Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Fey first 13 (New)

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Posted by Alye (Member # 5017) on :

I took a step back an decided to start my story earlier, and develop my MCs more.

I dont know if this destroys the hook I had. I have a few eqit questions in ()

First 13 (new)
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(TAB)Jogging down the path, Naven took deep(comma?) even breaths. He had been out of rehab for six weeks, and the burn of addiction was offset by Runners High.

(TAB)The first time he had experienced the Runners High he wasn’t even running. He was wrestling. He was lean, and had worked hard that season, to get in shape. The 215(spell out?) bracket was tough, and he had to drop a few pounds to make weight. It paid off. His opponent was stronger but slow. Naven was quicker, but lacked his opponent's upper body strength. The first two rounds were a stalemate. The start of the third round, Naven chose the neutral position.

(TAB)Trying a hip-lock a few times, just before the other guy broke away, the high hit. It was a euphoria, the burning...

Posted by EP Kaplan (Member # 5688) on :

Um, I wrestled briefly (very) and found out that by the time you actually reached the mat, you were past the point where one bout would give you the illustrious "Runner's High."

Also, in the Kingly fashion, it might be better to avoid using colloquialisms so early unless you intend to elaborate very quickly.

Posted by darklight (Member # 5213) on :

I would not start with: Jogging down the path, Naven took deep even breaths.

Starting with an -ing isn't the best thing to do. Try something like: Naven jogged down the path, his breaths deep and even.

Does Runners High have to be capitalised? It seems odd to me.

Posted by Grovekeeper (Member # 5650) on :

(TAB)Jogging down the path, Naven took deep(comma?) even breaths. [<- I agree with darklight; this sentence needs rework] He had been out of rehab for six weeks, and the burn of addiction was offset by Runners High.

[This following paragraph does not flow for me; it feels more like a list of declarative statements than part of a story. I've marked the places where the flow stops for me]
(TAB)The first time he had experienced the Runners High he wasn’t even running.[stop] He was wrestling. [stop] He was lean, and had worked hard that season, to get in shape. [stop] The 215(spell out?) bracket was tough, and he had[<-suggest "he'd had"] to drop a few pounds to make weight.[stop] It paid off.[stop] His opponent was stronger but slow.[stop] Naven was quicker, but lacked his opponent's upper body strength. The first two rounds were a stalemate. The start of the third round, Naven chose the neutral position.

(TAB)Trying a hip-lock a few times, just before the other guy broke away, the high hit. It was a euphoria, the burning...

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

TAB)Jogging down the path, (NEVER BEGIN A STORY WITH A GERUND) Naven took deep(comma?)(TECHNICALLY REQUIRED, BUT WITH SHORT WORDS SUCH AS THESE OFTEN OMITTED) even breaths. He had been out of rehab for six weeks, and the burn of addiction was offset by Runners High.
(TAB)The first time he had experienced the Runners High he wasn’t even running. (THIS IS YOUR FIRST SENTENCE!) He was wrestling. He was lean, and had worked hard that season, to get in shape. The 215(spell out?)(NO) bracket was tough, and he had to drop a few pounds to make weight. It paid off. His opponent was stronger but slow. Naven was quicker, but lacked his opponent's upper body strength. The first two rounds were a stalemate. The start of the third round, Naven chose the neutral position.

(TAB)Trying a hip-lock a few times, just before the other guy broke away, the high hit. It was a euphoria, the burning...

MY ADVICE, DROP THE INFODUMP IN THE FIRST PARAGRAPH. IF YOU REALLY KNOW WRESTLING, THAT KIND OF SPECIALIZED KNOWLEDGE CAN ADD A LOT TO A STORY.

Posted by CassandraRose526 (Member # 5712) on :

(TAB)Jogging down the path, Naven took deep(comma?) even breaths. He had been out of rehab for six weeks, and the burn of addiction was offset by Runners High. I would take out these first two sentences

(TAB)The first time he had experienced the Runners High he wasn’t even running. He was wrestling. He was lean, and had worked hard that season, I don't think the comma is necassary here. to get in shape. I like the first sentence in this paragraph, but the next two don't run well with them; I would suggest finding a different way to write them without using the word 'was'. The 215(spell out? No.) bracket was tough, and he had to drop a few pounds to make weight. It paid off.<-- I like this sentence here His opponent was stronger but slow. <--These two sentences are a bit redundant, you may want to combine them or drop one--> Naven was quicker, but lacked his opponent's upper body strength. The first two rounds were a stalemate. The start of the third round, Naven chose the neutral position. What is neutral position?

(TAB)Trying a hip-lock a few times, just before the other guy broke away, the high hit. It was a euphoria, the burning...

[This message has been edited by CassandraRose526 (edited July 06, 2007).]

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

I'm with Rick, I think. unless you specifically need to work in the fact that he's got wrestling experience, I'd drop this info in favor of something more streamlined like "back in the day, before his addiction overcame him and muscled out everything else he enjoyed doing, he had tapped into the runners high. Etc. etc. Besides, if he got it during wrestling, it wouldn't be runner's high, it would be wrestler's high. Do you hate us yet?

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

Wow, this is a BIG change from the original, huh?

Posted by Alye (Member # 5017) on :

Yeah it's a huge change... I might just use it as a prolog.

And I need to introduce the readers to his atheletic ability and combat skills. My wife pointed out that he fights to well later on to have no clues to his abilitys.

Posted by Hunter (Member # 4991) on :

I want to know what he was addicted to!

You lost me with the wrestling talk.

The bit about wrestling just sort of confused me unless it ties into him being in rehab. Steroid addiction?

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

I think Hunter has hit a good point. If you give us a name for the drug he was addicted to, it will give a quick hint to whether this is present time or future. Heroin, meth= now or immediate future, something made up = further down the road future.

Posted by Alye (Member # 5017) on :

Pill popper and alcoholic, but its irrelevant.

His addict days are behind him and its not something the MC wants to dwell on. He refers to it very little. Other cast members bring it up but he himself wants to put it behind him. He is dealing with the withdrawal of addiction by using the Runners High. And Yes you can achieve a runners high in a wrestling match. I would drag out my matches in high-school just to get one.

His Rehab and addiction is a big part of the story as it develops as he starts to question is own sobriety, but its something the MC wants to ignore or put behind him, as if it never happened.

I also needed a place to plant something from later in the story, and it needs to be benign until it is used.