Hello--I tried taking the opening in a completely different direction. Please tell me how this compares to the first version. Thank you!
“Sit up straight, now, look this way.” Dr. Suthers held her chin and shone a light in her eyes. “Any dizziness?” “No,” Ashly responded. “Bruising? Nosebleeds? Blackouts?” He checked her ears. His beard tickled her cheek. “No.” He pressed the stethoscope to her chest and she breathed in with practiced ease. “And exhale.” Her pulse was fast, she knew. She tried to breathe evenly as he strapped on the blood pressure cuff. This could be it…She watched him inflate the cuff and check the dial. “Well, it’s a little fast,” he said, releasing the cuff, “but your pulse is strong, your color’s improved, and you’ve gained
Please note: a revised version follows.
[This message has been edited by Amy Treadwell (edited April 22, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 22, 2007).]
Posted by Balthasar (Member # 5399) on :
Other than the fact that ...
... (a) no male doctor would get close enough to a patient for his beard to tickle her check (unless he has one of those long and unruly Eastern Orthodox beards) ...
... and (b) that's not exactly what happens when your blood pressure is taken (they always tell you what your blood pressure is) ...
... I'd keep reading. But because of these small points, you haven't earned my trust.
Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
I think it this needs something stronger, more compelling, maybe something - a single reference to something very unusual that will rouse our curiosity. As it is, this seems like an ordinary girl getting a rather typical exam from a typical doctor.
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
quote:Sit up straight, now, look this way.” Dr. Suthers held her chin and shone a light in her eyes. “Any dizziness?” “No,” Ashly responded. “Bruising? Nosebleeds? Blackouts?” He checked her ears. His beard tickled her cheek. “No.” He pressed the stethoscope to her chest and she breathed in with practiced ease. “And exhale.” Her pulse was fast, she knew. She tried to breathe evenly as he strapped on the blood pressure cuff.[Nurses do this. Before a doctor sees the patient, their blood pressure, pulse, and temperature are taken. Also shots are given by nurses.] This could be it…She watched him inflate the cuff and check the dial. “Well, it’s a little fast,”[Pulse is fast or slow, blood pressure is high, low, or dead-on. ] he said, releasing the cuff, “but your pulse is strong, your color’s improved, and you’ve gained four pounds since last month, young lady. If you keep this up, we’ll have to cut your visits down to twice a year!” Ashly smiled, relieved, at her mom, who was beaming.
Is it relevant to begin this with the doctor's visit?
WHY is Ashly at the doctor's office?
Is she recovering from some disease, healing from an accident, or going through puberty?
What genre is your story?
What is Ashly feeling?
What is her mother feeling?
Who's PoV is this from?
This is much cleaner than your first attempt. It lacks a hook, but, if we knew why she was at the doctor's office, we might be hooked by that.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited April 22, 2007).]
Posted by Amy Treadwell (Member # 5434) on :
“Sit up straight, now, look this way.” Dr. Sultan held her chin and shone a light in her eyes. “Any dizziness?” “No,” Ashly responded. “Bruising? Nosebleeds? Blackouts?” He checked her ears. “No.” He pressed the stethoscope to her chest and she breathed in without having to be told. “And exhale.” Her heart was racing, she knew. She tried to breathe evenly as the nurse checked her pulse. This could be it… She closed her eyes against the giddiness of a future where she wasn’t sick. They’d been wrong before. Each time a new doctor pinned down her symptoms, they seemed to change. But this time would be her second clean check-up in a row. And that had never
[This message has been edited by Amy Treadwell (edited April 22, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 22, 2007).]
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
I like this much better. There is only one point that stands-out to me as needing cleaned up:
quote:She closed her eyes against the giddiness of a future where she wasn’t sick.
What is she sick with? This line should've answered that question, in her poiint of view: she knows what is afflicting her.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited April 22, 2007).]
Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :
Babbler said: "What is she sick with?"
I, personally, wouldn't need the answer in the exact line Babbler points out since I'm guessing that the answer might not be a one- or two-word answer. However, I would be expecting a little more information on this sickness and/or how it's affected her life fairly soon since it's the hook for me.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited April 22, 2007).]
Posted by Balthasar (Member # 5399) on :
Good job. There's enough here to keep me reading, and so far you've earned my trust.
Regarding what she's sick with ... you'll probably want to provide that information within the first 1000 words.
Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :
I liked the "with practiced ease" (on the breathing in line) from the first version.
I can live with the "future where she's not sick." Line as is, interesting way to express it (though giddyness...giddieness? giddiness? the word bugs me because I don't know how to spell it, LOL, and if I were writing it I'd choose a synonym that I did know how to spell.) As others mention, I am trusting that you'll tell me what the heck she has been sick with, or that she's really an Evil Robot Monkey clone or a werewolf or whatever soon.
Nits - since the nurse checked her pulse earlier (presumably?) which is how it works in my doctor's office too (nurse does a simple pulse check with her fingers on my wrist and looking at the second hand on her watch, followed by the bp cuff + stethescope at my elbow, puff puff inflate the cuff, ouch the pinch, phew the release, and she says "BP is fine" and I have to ask the number EVERY TIME! Grrrrr.) anyway - since nurse checked pulse earlier, maybe doc glances at chart/mentions it? "Pulse was a little fast, but BP was good so I'm not concerned." My understanding is there is a huge range in normal on pulse rates - my husband and I have numbers that are really different (mine is fast, he's a marathoner.) So, if you go further with that, just a heads up.
Good luck!
Posted by jeffrey.hite (Member # 5278) on :
I think that you nailed it. IMHO I think that while I wanted to know about the sickness you gave me something to look forward to in the next few lines. You can't include everything in your first 13. A mistake that I think I made at least once while I was trying to rewrite mine. I was interested enough by the second version that I would keep reading. My only thought, and this is the thing that usually kills me as well, is make sure that you have done your research about the medical stuff. Find a friend that is a doctor / nurse / PA and ask them to comment on things. There are so many medical dramas out there that if you don't people will loose interest because you have not done your homework. If you have ever read Arthur C. Clark you will note that his acknoledgements at the end of his books are very long,usually ten pages or more. In other words, you don't have to know everything, just where to get the knowledge, do take the time to find out. Suspension of disbelief!
[This message has been edited by jeffrey.hite (edited April 23, 2007).]
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
Great job!
I can wait to find out her "diagnosis" since the disease and symptoms change. You've told me enough about why she's here and why this is important for me to read further.
] he said, releasing the cuff, “but your pulse is strong, your color’s improved, and you’ve gained four pounds since last month, young lady. If you keep this up, we’ll have to cut your visits down to twice a year!” 