Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Zero

This is topic Zero in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=26;t=000069

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

OK I tried something experimental, see if this works better. I especially want to hear from KF because he read a lot of the original info dump.

quote:
More than anyone, I remember what Antares did to our world. I was there, I saw the charred ruins of Ithaca. I stood face-to-face with the cold black mask of his helmet as he stormed the government palace in Antioch. I didn't stop him. Now I'd do anything to change that.

I shifted a little in the chair I was tied to. The sedative was now completely expired. The fanatics had taken me to a small dingy room choked with the taste of dust. It was empty and barely lit by a lamp on the far wall.
I had never been here before.
At least I was alive. That had been the riskiest part. The fanatics were unpredictable, Jakob had been emphatic about that. I knew he didn't want me to chance it. I also knew if let...

--or--

The first thing I noticed was the soreness in my arms and legs. I was tied to a chair. I blinked the blurriness out of my eyes, the sedative had expired. Where had the fanatics taken me?

The room was musty with the faint odor of dust and dimly lit by a lamp on the far wall. I was trapped, not just by the choking metal bindings, but by the tight enclosure of the small, unfamiliar room. No windows, no obvious doors.

At least they'd kept me alive, that had been the riskiest part. Now it was a simple matter of playing their ridiculous mind games, and waiting for Jakob. I glanced at my wrist, it wasn't cut, the implant remained.

Jakob had been against this plan from the beginning...

[This message has been edited by Zero (edited March 23, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 24, 2007).]

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

That's way more than 13 lines.

It's also almost all info dump.

He's kidnapped. Even though he expected it, he still is trapped. Deal with that moment. For gosh sakes DON'T tell me he's safe and not worried about it. The second I know that the story is put down. If the stakes aren't real, why do I care?

Isn't the first thing he's going to do is open his eyes? "Conciousness streaming back" didn't work for me. We know he survives. This is First Person POV, which means the MC lived long enough to pass this along.

You can cut most of what you have without losing anything:

The sedative had expired. The room was musty with the faint odor of dust and dimly lit by a lamp on the far wall of the unfamiliar room. No windows, no obvious doors. Metal bindings around my wrists and ankles, tethered me to the chair I was put in.

Now you can tell me the stakes:

Ex:

The evil robot monkey had kept me alive. I needed to remain calm, to fall back on my training, and survive until I escaped or was rescued. Hopefully, my captor would slip and I would learn something useful. If not, I'd forfeited my life for nothing.

It could be a good story but you currently throw away your hook.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

This narration essentially goes backward in time, which is pretty inconvenient to write!

Falcon's suggestions would work for me. I might add something showing MC's reactions: after we know the dire situation, tell me if he's scared, angry, or blase.

Posted by Tanglier (Member # 1313) on :

I don't read too much in the way of action adventure stories, but if that's the genre, the beginning seems fine to me. I don't think you need, "around my writs and ankles."

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

Interesting. This is actually not an action story, in fact, the beginning is especially difficult because of what must come later. I honestly can't avoid an info dump here because it is the only time in the story, for a long time, when the narrator actually knows who he is. There are a few necessary clues here that will help the reader tie everything together.

With that in mind... how can I make the "info dump" more natural?

Unfortunately I can't post the info-dump part (which is what I need help with)

[This message has been edited by Zero (edited March 23, 2007).]

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

humm . . . then maybe don't show me this.

I read the pre-edited version. I'm not sure how much it added. It was unnatural for the MC to think about why he was there. I don't think you can do that info dump naturally unless some of it comes out in his interrogation.

It's first person so I only know what the MC does.

If the rest of the story is the MC's struggle to figure out who he is and what happened is the short story, it might work better if you let me discover it as he does.

[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited March 23, 2007).]

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

Well that is true. I'm trying to communicate his significance, without outright saying it, so as he struggles to put the pieces together the reader has a few preconceived ideas. A slight advantage over the character. And I didn't mean he ever wonders why he's there, simply wonders where it is they've taken him. Is that part unclear?

[This message has been edited by Zero (edited March 23, 2007).]

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

Questions:

What are the clues?
Can they be discovered as he discovers them?
If not, why?

you can send me the Infodump e-mail, and I'll tell you what i think.

PS - wbriggs would like kings_falcon's suggestion: it had E.R.M.s (Evil Robot Monkeys) in it.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 23, 2007).]

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

haha... sorry no evil robot monkeys, I've been planning and outlining this story for almost a year, now they just wouldn't fit.

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

hmm what nodbody seems to have commented on that I'd like some feedback on is the fact that the first paragraph is in present tense and the rest is in past tense. Is this too disjointed or can it work?

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

Also how are the first 13 lines determined? Because I count closer to 7 here. Omitting the spaces between paragraphs of course.

[This message has been edited by Zero (edited March 24, 2007).]

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

The first thirteen line are determined by MSWord, in 12-point Courier New.

Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :

Really, it's just the first sentence. And that's more or less a freebie.

I have to admit, I have no idea what is happening so far, but you've handled it professionally and I'd keep reading. I can't comment on anyone else's comments because you've edited the original posting so many times, I'm not sure if what they commented on still exists.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

If you want the reader to have a slight advantage over the MC, maybe you shouldn't use 1st person POV. It sounds like this is one story where 3rd Lt Omni or full Omni might work better.

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

yeah I've debated about the person of the narrator for the better part of a year. As a rule I write in limited 3rd multiple viewpoints, but this story has only one viewpoint I'm willing to go to. So, it became a question of 3rd limited or 1st.

I've always leaned toward 3rd person, mostly because of a lack of confidence in the success of 1st person books, however, I can't help but write the story in 1st...

bah...