[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 18, 2007).]
Is this one paragraph? It seems broken up into several but the Quotes don't match up.
I think you should have some responses from his listeners. I would like a question to move the telling, and not a long narrative.
I imagine:
~~~The old man was sitting on the stump. Several little ones crowed in close. The older children spread out not wanting to look too interested, but not wanting to miss a word of the story.
Taking a long puff on his pipe he began to relate his tail. "The pack of wolves ...........”~~~
The pack of wolves that attacked us was large [in number]. Though I didn’t know it at THE TIME, two separate wolf packs had weakened, [how would anybody know this, even later?] both having lost MANY of their companions, and had joined together to form one large, strong, and voracious pack. [Why would they do that? It would be wise if they wanted to take down a mastadon, but if food is scarce...no, you didn't say food was scarce. Hm.]
This large PACK needed much meat to support itself and so looked for sources they gauged to be weaker than themselves. [Which they always do. But why doesn't the pack split up] Predators, including[,] the most capable predators, men, were not outside the boundary of their combined resources. [Most predators don't like to eat other predators. Partly the taste, and also availability.]
>...
This however, was their boldest ambush yet."
--
I'm having a hard time believing in the mega-pack, and in them going after human beings for food except in very odd circumstances.
I'm not hooked, partly because of that, but also because it's all summary about the wolf pack. I don't even know who the narrator is, or if he or she is in danger.
The potential hook is in that last line, and I do like that.
I suggest you vastly reduce the text you've got here, something like
quote:...then get straight into in-the-moment action.
There had been more and more wolf attacks on human beings in the area, and Main Character, a sheep herder with two teenage sons to help him, was getting worried.
If it happens that Main Character does learn how the mega-pack formed, we can find out when he finds out.
These wolves don’t sound very believable (of course, I base my knowledge on nature shows); if they are “dire” wolves or some such, but the narrator doesn’t know it yet, give us a hint that the narrator realizes something is really wrong with their behavior.
Additionally, I believe the word is "horde" when there are lots of them. "Hoard" is to hold close, keep to yourself. My 3 year old is a hoarder. Give her a few candies and she'll still have them in her grubby little fist an hour later. My 5 year old will have inhaled his in the first 13 seconds. Anyway, this is one of those annoying words that will not come up on spellcheck because hoard is a correct spelling, but the wrong word I think.
I think this next point is just a style choice; the pack that attacked us was large in number seems redundant. Large, or numerous. Seems repetitive to say large in number, though I know that's a figure of speech.
I agree with other posters that I'm not quite hooked yet. So far it seems a little bit ..er.. national geographic? Nothing wrong with it if that's the direction you're headed. But to me, it seemed just a little dry.
I hope this is helpful. Good luck with this!
You never told us -- in the story or comments before the story -- what genre the story is. If they are inhabited by alien leeches, or are otherwise different from normal wolves, than this should be introduced earlier. It might even help with the hook.
I agree that your POV character lacks definition. This is especially obvious in that there is no tag for your quotations.
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[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 20, 2007).]
The reader needs immediate action to keep them interested. Not just mindless action either, action with characters being defined through their temperaments and reactions. The truth is, even if the story focuses on the main character, the MC doesn't always think they have flaws. Most people in reality find it difficult to admit their own shortcomings.
That's why you have to demonstrate a character and paint a picture of their personality through their actions. Good luck!