This is something I've been playing with for a while. Would like your comments. Thanks.
3/16/07 ETA: The setting is a contemporary parallel world with magic. Sorry I didn't divulge this originally. And for right now, I'm only interested in comments for the first 13.
It all started with the freaking hydra. It was supposed to end with the damn thing, but did the Council ever remember its promises? Noooo. Next time Edwards struck a deal with them, he was getting it in writing--in blood on human parchment. There wasn’t supposed to be a hydra on this mission. Shit, the last hydra he’d killed was supposed to be it: the LAST hydra. They were supposed to be stinking extinct. Edwards really wanted to have a chat with the Council’s Intelligence Department. So maybe that was why he did it. He teleported himself and the hydra smack dab into the middle of Council Headquarters. He didn’t think a memo would have the same umph. “A little help here, people!” he shouted.
[This message has been edited by Hunter (edited March 16, 2007).]
Posted by Gideon (Member # 5031) on :
I like Edwards already. He seems my kind of non-conformist. A nitpick, but the second sentence doesn't seem to work. It's awkward. Maybe combine the it with the next sentence or eliminate it entirely. Other than that sentence I think you have a good hook with character revelation and even a good step into setting. For me, the first 13 have one goal--to make the reader want to read more. I think you have done that.
Gideon
Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :
Nice hook, got me. My nit is what I think is a tense issue. I'm not really sure what the tense issue is - but the switch in that "so that's why he did it..." sentence was jarring to me. He wanted to have a chat, then there he was having the chat...it just threw me and I still can't quite figure out why.
But meanwhile, I've got a good idea as to his state of mind, a good idea about his occupation (some type of mercenary/hired gun), some sense of where, though vague, and there's some interesting conflict right out the gate.
I would read more, but you're 3rd in line, just so you know. And I have a whole lot of writing to do soo. LOL
Karen
Posted by Hunter (Member # 4991) on :
Good catch with the tense mistake, KayTi. I will correct.
I'm pretty sure this originally began as present tense. So stuff that's off is probably a mistake.
Thanks.
[This message has been edited by Hunter (edited March 14, 2007).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
It all started with the freaking hydra. It was supposed to end with the damn thing, but did the Council ever remember its promises? [Whoa -- we're getting into something about a Council, but we still don't know what's up with the hydra!] Noooo. Next time Edwards struck a deal with them, he was getting it in writing--in blood on human parchment. [Huh?] There wasn’t supposed to be a hydra on this mission. [Huh?] Shit, the last hydra he’d killed was supposed to be it: the LAST hydra. [So it's not an alien hydra that's part of his crew -- or a 3-cm sea creature that attaches itself to rocks -- but a Greek monster. Let us know way earlier.] They were supposed to be stinking extinct. [PARAGRAPH somewhere.] Edwards really wanted to have a chat with the Council’s Intelligence Department. So maybe that was why he did it. He teleported himself [he can teleport? What kind of world are we in? Is he a magician who can do this, or did he use a transporter device?] and the hydra smack dab into the middle of Council Headquarters. [Where did he get a hydra? You didn't tell us he was at that part of his mission. Where's his crew? Where was he when this paragraph started -- a sailing ship? A cave? Deep space?] He didn’t think a memo would have the same umph.
--
Since things keep coming out of nowhere (like the ability to teleport), I can't care about what's happening, or worry about Edward's mission, or understand what he's thinking.
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
I like the immersion into the narrarator's PoV. Its got attitude, and I like that,too.
That would keep me reading for a few pages.
However, there are a couple of things:
If you're going to use Shit, why use freaking hydra and stinking extinct. The latter is not smooth.
...in blood on parchment slightly confuses the time period; makes me stop and say, "I thought we were in modern day.
And "He teleported himself and the hydra smack dab into the middle of Council Headquarters." really screws with my space/time! As wbriggs said.
If they're teleporting by spell, and it's supposed to be somwhere in the way-back machine of Fantasy's time period, you need to reword the language. If it's in a future-time/time-loop, you need to let us know.
And, last but not least, is Edwards your protagonist, or the narrarator? If it's the narrarator, who is he?
Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :
I like this and I would keep reading, but it does have a few problems that have already been mentioned. Since I'm short on time, I'll simply add:
quote:Next time Edwards struck a deal with them, he was getting it in writing--in blood on human parchment.
First, it makes me think the MC is not human or, at least, doesn't like humans if he want this written "in blood on human parchment." If this isn't the impression you want to make, then you might reconsider the wording. Second, parchment is goat or sheep skin. Using 'human parchment' jarred me out of the story. After stopping to think about it, I realized that you meant 'using human skin prepared as parchment,' but I did have to stop and think about it. You might consider re-wording it.
Good luck on revisions.
Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :
I like the energy! Its catchy. My guess is its futuristic, but could you confirm or debunk that assumption? "Teleport" could be scientific, mental powers, or magic. I got the human parchment, no problem, but then I've been researching medieval industries.
I stumbled over the last sentence. Maybe it needs to start the next paragraph. You have a lot of (active and engaging) thinking about the situation and why he went to the Headquarters location, then his memo thought. Next I'd rather be brought a little more into his arrival in the setting before hearing what he has to say (or incorporated it into the dialog sentence). Maybe repelling the hydra's attack or a glimps of the reaction from onlookers? (Remind me, what does a hydra look like?)
And I have a whole lot of writing to do soo. LOL