Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Mary

This is topic Mary - Action Scene in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by MommaMuse (Member # 3622) on :

This is a fragment of my novel that I needed help with. I mentioned it in "Open Discussions..."

It's a long bit so you can get a feel for the scene. I don't want this to be a corny movie action scene with all sorts of cool interceptions and snappy lines. It's a brawl, and it's imperative to the story that the hero dies. He is, BTW a blacksmith, and that's why he's described as being fairly beefy.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The newlyweds looked at one another and blushed. Thom nodded, grinning at the men in the tavern, and set off again. He carried her easily up the stairs and into their room where he set her gently on her feet and closed the door behind them.

Their room was at the end of a long hallway, and faced the back of the inn. It was a good-sized room with a large bed, a chair and table, a heavy wardrobe, and a small table with a basin and pitcher of water. Mary carefully removed her veil and wedding dress, and draped them lovingly across the back of a chair. Thom stepped up behind her, tenderly rubbing her arms and placing a kiss on her shoulder. “I know we haven’t had much time to get to know each other, and I know that you haven’t had much time to fall in love with me, but I hope in time you will.” He wrapped

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 13, 2007).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Whoa, boy, is *that* ever well over 13 lines.

I'll comment on what I estimate to be the first 13.

>Thom ... set off again.
Maybe "started walking"? "Set off" could mean many things.

>Their room was at the end of a long hallway, and faced the back of the inn. It was a good-sized room with a large bed, a chair and table, a heavy wardrobe, and a small table with a basin and pitcher of water. Mary carefully removed her veil and wedding dress, and draped them lovingly across the back of a chair.

How about starting that paragraph with Mary and the veil? I care about how Thom and Mary interact, but I don't care the location of the room or what furniture is present.

Posted by MommaMuse (Member # 3622) on :

Yes, I know it's over 13 lines. I put it here so that I wouldn't get in trouble for putting it in the discussion forum, since it's a fragment I need help and comment on.

I probably should have mentioned that in the subject...sorry.

bugger, I just noticed that KDW clipped it I guess this is not going to be the right place for that fragment either. Grrr...where do I put it then? lol

[This message has been edited by MommaMuse (edited March 14, 2007).]

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

MommaMuse, we don't post any more than 13 lines of manuscript anywhere in the Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

What you do is ask if anyone would be willing to read the whole fragment and comment on it for you. Tell them how long it is, and since it's quite short, you should be able to get a few volunteers.

And then you email it to them, and they email their feedback.

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

Momma Muse,
Are you going to ask again? I'd be willing to look at the intended longer fragment. Email it if you like...

Posted by starsin (Member # 4081) on :

I'm bored with all the books I haven't been reading...a brawl scene will amuse me for a bit. Send it my way and I'll do what I can to help you out some. It's tiring when you've already exausted the library's source of good (in my opinion) books.

Posted by MommaMuse (Member # 3622) on :

Email it is, Thanks!

Posted by Alye (Member # 5017) on :

Momma can you email me again? I lost your origonal email, and the link here here isnt valid.