His mind raced, searching for options. I only have three. Run, fight, or die. Running is out. Can’t even walk fast since I sprained my ankle. Besides, I have to stay here until Tracker returns. If he comes to the spring and sees this guy instead of me, he may just go on by. If he goes by, then I’ve lost him. If I lose Tracker, then I’ve lost Faith. No! I can’t lose Faith. It’s my fault she’s here. All my fault. No. I won’t, I can’t run. I’m not going to run anymore.
Decision made, Zack Hendricks studied the man’s ragged, almost feral appearance before flicking his eyes back to the huge predator that had appeared just moments before. It still lay motionless under the nearby bushes. At first he had thought the big cat to be a black panther from Earth, but the dark blue
Yeah, sorry, but the 13 lines ended in the middle of a Hemingway type sentence.
His mind [whose? give us a name] raced, searching for options [options for what problem?]. I only have three. Run, fight, or die. [run or fight whom?] Running is out. Can’t even walk fast since I sprained my ankle. Besides, I have to stay here until Tracker returns. [who's the tracker?] If he comes to the spring and sees this guy instead of me, [what guy?] he may just go on by. If he goes by, then I’ve lost him. If I lose Tracker, then I’ve lost Faith. [who's that?] ...
You can just tell us these things, as soon as we have cause to wonder, and we'll love you for it!
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited March 13, 2007).]
It's interesting. I would read on a bit, but, I am a tolerant reader. My questions would have to be answered fairly soon.
[Edited to get rid of stupid questions. I guess I know where my mind wandered a bit, huh?]
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 15, 2007).]
However, It seems like a LOT of internal dialog to decide to fight a guy + a predator that I only *just* realized is alive under those bushes.
Hmm...I suspect it could be a case of "where to start the story..." - have you read the OSC bit about this related to starting Ender's Shadow? He gives 3-4 examples of what he did to try to write the beginning of that book, and it's a really interesting evolution. Gave me a lot to think about vis-a-vis beginnings.
Karen
I agree somewhat with InarticulateBabbler. Give me “His” (first-only for now?) name and the snapshot of the danger that the (MC? What does that stand for?) is faced with, and then give me a few quick thoughts – he hasn’t got much time to think here, right?
Could you have him feel the sprained ankle instead of thinking about it?
I like the guilt about Faith; do you need to link that to Tracker just yet?
I also like the tension of facing both the feral man and the predator.
I’d like to find out more!
A nit: “that had appeared just moments before” slows it down, and conflicts a bit with “It still lay”… as if its been there a while? How about “that had just [fill in some kind of active verb for how it appeared]” and leave out “still”? (Is that too specific in critiquing?)
Regards,
Mrs. Brown
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited March 15, 2007).]
Gideon, hooks are generally questions about what will happen next. Confusion about what is happening now doesn't really count as a hook. You have location fairly well established (in a forest near a spring, not on Earth). It's clear this is in the future, but I don't know if Zack is going to use a sword or a gun in his fight. I'm guessing that will be answered soon, so I'm willing to wait on that. Where things break down is 'what's going on now' and 'who are all these people.' Why did Tracker leave--was he going to get help or to get Faith or what? Why would Tracker pass Zack by if he saw the man? Does Tracker hate Zack or is he just afraid of danger? Why would losing Tracker mean that Zack would lose Faith? How did they get separated in the first place? You say that Zack (and Faith, one assumes) is running from something, so what is it that they are they running from?
Also, you have two apparent dangers: the feral man and the panther. Is Zack thinking he has to fight both? Did the two arrive together or is this his Really, Really Unlucky Day?
Basically, I think that you're trying to fit too many hooks or too much information into the first thirteen lines.
I'd also like things to be in the correct order of sequence, otherwise I'm wondering why 'his' mind racing for options rather than focusing on what he's thinking. Why not show Zack injured and waiting for Tracker to return, then have the feral man (and panther) appear, then have Zack think about what he's going to do.
quote:
His mind raced, searching for options. I only have three. Run, fight, or die. Running is out.
Since Zack never thinks about the option of 'die,' why not cut out the "I only have three: Run, fight, or die." That way you'll have more time to explain who all these people are in your first 13 lines.
Just my 2 cents.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited March 15, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited March 15, 2007).]