My mouth went dry when I saw him approaching. He was the sort of kid that walked down a crowded hall untouched. Not because he was cool or attractive- he wasn’t. The side of his face was splashed with a mulberry birthmark and zits populated his forehead and cheeks. People moved out of his way because he was a Tusk, and nobody wanted to tangle with a Tusk.
I pretended not to notice him heading toward me and picked up my pace a little. Not enough to make it look like I was avoiding him, but it might get me to class before he reached me.

[This message has been edited by D-Negative (edited March 05, 2007).]
 

Tracy

 

I agree, it's quite hard to find something worth mentioning...but then you put it here for critique, so I'll do my best:

Nope. I can't find anything here to correct that isn't merely a matter of style, and without the rest of the work there's nothing to fit to style. Good Work!
 

I don't think we know enough. I want to know up front where we are. I want some hint as to what a Tusk is.

Minor thing: better for narrator to tell us what he means, than to correct an impression -- so the image built in our minds is the right one. It takes some mental work to create such an image and then throw it away.

This would work for showing us the correct image sooner:

My mouth went dry when I saw the boy approaching [calling him "the boy" or "the man" indicates that MC doesn't know his name; calling him "him" makes it unclear]. He was walking through a crowded hall in the science building [so we know where MC is], and people moved well out of his way, away from his mulberry birthmark and the zits populating his forehead and cheeks. He was a Tusk...

I would keep reading. I want to know why MC is afraid of him.
 

As for more of a hook, what could I add to make it less bland? I guess the important thing is that the reader wants to keep going, but any spice will help.

After I am done revising the rest of my first two chapters, I will probably ask for full critiques on them. That will definatley help me line up my thoughts. (Like remembering that just because I know what the Tusks are dosent mean the reader knows.)

[This message has been edited by D-Negative (edited March 06, 2007).]
 

I had the same issues Will had. I want to know where I am. Are we in a school on Earth? On Alpha Centari?

I want to know who and what this person is. There is no reason not to tell me his name in the first line.

People get out of the way for a number of reasons. Here there is a specific reason, he's a Tusk but I don't know what it is. I know what it isn't - drop dead gorgeous looks or "cool"ness. I need to know what it is. Unless the birthmark is an indication he's a Tusk, I'd hold the description.

Why does no one want to tangle with a Tusk? You can just tell me - Ex: the police found bits last person to take on a Tusk scattered over a mile or Ex: They were the only magic users left and had short tempers.

Why is the POV a particular target of this Tusk or is everyone who attracts his attention in danger?

If you show me the POV's danger and explain the Tusk reference a bit, it would be more compelling and hooky to me.

All that said, I would keep reading for a bit and probably only stop if those questions weren't answered soon.

 

I think you could improve your hook by raising the READERS stakes by making it clear what the POV's stakes are. For the hook, the Tusk's physical description is less important than the threat he presents. I'd like to know why the POV is afraid and so certain that the Tusk is headed toward him and not anyone else in the crowded halls. Did your POV do something that he expects the Tusk to pound on him for? If so, tell me what. If not, have him wonder why. Here's a quick example. I expect it doesn't fit with your story line at all, but it might give you some ideas.

"My mouth went dry when I saw Mac approaching down the school hall. I just knew I'd never get away with covering Mac's car with whip-cream graffiti, no matter what my friends said. Mac was a Tusk, and no one messed with that gang. I pretended not to notice him heading toward me and picked up my pace a little. Not enough to make it look like I was avoiding him, but it might get me to class before he reached me."

[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited March 06, 2007).]
 

Nice flow. I like the "not enough to make it look like..." line - that characterization seems very real to me. One of those many calculating things we all do in our daily lives, sometimes without even thinking about it. I can see how it would work in 3rd person omni POV too, if you're playing with that (I always seem to be playing with POV - can't decide if I should be ego-centric or all-powerful, LOL.)

Karen
 

I actually like it that I don't know what a Tusk is yet. I really do. I guess one of the things that can draw me on into a story right away is having some mysteries from the very outset. I'd much rather have that visuol on our Tusk guy, among other reasons because it gives me at least a touch of sympathy for him. People who have really nasty birthmarks or skin conditions sometimes develop odd or inappropriate defenses as a result. Maybe not exactly justification, but understandable enough to perhaps give clues as to motivation for being nasty. That does a certain kind of interest for me, having at least one point of possible understanding of a baddie. So I'm contrary to the flow of the majority on that one, but I do agree that if your MC already knows the name of the Tusk, you should consider using that instead of the 'he' to start the second sentence.

A few other nitpicky things.... You might try just ending the second sentence with "attractive", dropping the dash, and letting "he wasn't" be a punchy little sentence of its own. Try breaking up the Tusk sentence, too. Just drop the and and use two sentences. Again, it might read punchier. Read it to yourself out loud that way as well as on screen or paper and see what you think. Also I don't think you need both "a little" and "Not enough to". It's a subtle redundancy, and "a little" (which I have cut literally hundreds of times out of the collective stories I've sold ) is the weaker of the two. In general, only use "a little" if there is absolutely nothing else that will do the job for what you need to say, but you go right on to basically say 'a little' in a different way in this case in the very next sentence. Try dropping the weak qualifier and just let him pick up his pace right on to the next sentence, starting it with 'not enough'. Again, try it out loud, too. Sometimes it makes a difference in perception of the flow and impact, when you read it out loud. Small things can make a big difference sometimes. Divinity is in the details.

It's really very good though. Nice going. Good luck as you develop your ideas and write on!

Regards,

SharonID

 

Also, I got a little mixed up about the setting. For a moment I thought it was a crowded hall, but I realized that was only an exemplified setting. You might save description of features and the crowded hall sentence for a little further on in the narrative, and instead spend a little time telling us what kind of environment the POV is - especially since he/she is trying to get away from this "Tusk". If he/she is alone, there is more danger than in a public place.

And a word on writing in the first person that I always give when critiquing work written in that perspective. Writing in the first person is the best way to immediately establish the MC and the POV, but you set yourself up for a difficult job explaining your character's appearance; we see the story through his/her eyes, but we also want to be able to look in the mirror and see how others see this character. I read two of James Patterson's books about that detective played by Morgan Freeman in the movies, and didn't realize he was black until I saw the movies. Knowing this can help tell me how others react to him. If he encounters a racist for example, if I don't know his ethnicity I don't know why this person is reacting to him negatively. These things are important to me and have always bugged me about the style of writers like Patterson and Cornwell. I hope that wasn't too wordy.
 

Another point for me is that by mentioning: "his face was splashed with a mulberry birthmark and zits populated his forehead and cheeks." you are making these physical features important. If your only reason for mentioning them was to show the Tusk wasn't attractive then they are unnecessary.

For me the main reason I'd read on is to find out more about the Tusk as so far that is the only unusual feature mentioned. That is why I think explaining too much about it would be a mistake.

(All of the above is merely my humble opinion)
 

I like the insertion of the mulberry birthmark comment. My thinking is the same as SharonID, but I think the zits may be overkill, at least in this context. He can have zits, but to introduce them in the same breath as the birthmark is like giving them the same importance, and I don't think the Tusk's zits are as important as the birthmark.

The last senstece, "I pretended not to notice him heading toward me and picked up my pace a little. Not enough to make it look like I was avoiding him, but it might get me to class before he reached me," seems a little redundant. I think you could drop the second sentence and show action instead.

I'm also a little amused by everyone assuming the MC is a guy. I figured maybe the MC was a girl. The comment about attractiveness made me think girl MC. It's a sad state, but girls are very aware of appearance especially in high school. Guys can be too, but just off the cuff, I assumed the MC was female. But this is only from a cold reading of the first 13.

When you're willing to share more, I'd be willing to read it.