In the beginning the Creator thought of love.
But love, by its very nature, demanded company.
Before time itself began passage on its infinite journey. Before the galaxies began their endless dance, gliding and spinning through the cold emptiness. Before there existed even a single atom, the Creator brought into being those not of the physical dimension; energy life forms possessing great power and beauty, although not easily seen with the human eye.
Three kinds he made them, Seraphim Keruvim and Malakh.
These are the freethinking sons of light and power.
And the love the Creator had wished, found life and thrived and dwelt among them.
And the Creator looked upon his sons and all that he had made
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 23, 2007).]
As to the content. I'd say it's very difficult to hook a reader with narrative summary--which is basically what's here. Yes, this has been done by others but for your average reader it's hard to care about Beings and and whatnot that they have very little investment in. Make them care by putting them in someone's head. Who's the main character? What will his journey be? The hook. All the rest can come later.
That's my 2 cents anyway...
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited February 22, 2007).]
I just noticed this--I try not to read the author blurb because it tneds to taint the impact of the lines.
quote:
This beginning is essential to the story but you can tell little about the actual story from these 13.
Then you definitely want to rethink this. Just tell the story. That's really all the readers want to know--and remember it's what they want to know, not what we want to tell them.
Everytime someone posts 13 lines with another 20 lines of "pretext" to explain the 13 lines, it's a red flag to me that there is a problem. Novels can be slow to develop, but nevertheless a reader will not get the benefit of the author's explanation.
The other big issue here from a grammatical perspective is the sentence fragments and misuse of the semicolon (only to join complete sentences closely related -- the second portion is a phrase)
quote:
In the beginning the Creator thought of love.But love, by its very nature, demanded company.
Before time itself began passage on its infinite journey. [MY MINDS STARTS TO WANDER IN THIS LONGER PARAGRAPH. I'D DO BETTER IF YOU TOOK ALL THESE SENTENCE FRAGMENTS AND REPLACED THEM WITH SIMPLY "Before time began."] Before the galaxies began their endless dance, gliding and spinning through the cold emptiness. Before there existed even a single atom, the Creator brought into being those not of the physical dimension; energy life forms possessing great power and beauty, although not easily seen with the human eye. [BUT THERE WERE NO HUMAN EYES! HOW ABOUT: Before time began, the Creator brought into being energy lifeforms. Three kinds he made them...]
Three kinds he made them, Seraphim Keruvim and Malakh.
These are the freethinking sons of light and power. [IN MY VOCABULARY "FREETHINKING" RELATES TO THE FREETHINKER PHILOSOPHY OF THE 1800'S, WHICH THE ANGELS DEFINITELY WOULD NOT GO WITH! HOW ABOUT "sons of light and power, capable of thought" OR SOME SUCH]
I think this sort of intro is out of style, but, style shmyle as long as it's good.
I'm neither hooked nor not hooked. If you want a stronger hook, you might start with Elizabeth herself.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited February 23, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited February 23, 2007).]
This passage is purposefully written in the same fashion as Genesis without regard for grammar because the story is a, not so far fetched (nowhere near as far fetched as Hubbard) spin on the real biblical message, which is of course, intended to intrigue the educated reader.
Thanks again.
Regards,
SharonID
TV guide synopsis: Creator makes life, spirit and flesh each native to different dimensions. Billions of worlds created with help of spirit workers each seeded with one human couple, perfect, everlasting bodies. Some spirits rebel; suck as many perfect human worlds in as possible, one-third in the end. Break from mental perfection corrupts flesh, rebel world men begin to die of old age. Men from non-rebel worlds discover gifts in men, ability to fold space, visit other non-rebel worlds, other powerful gifts. Creator takes legal instead of power approach, lets rebellion prove itself wrong (final solution). Spirits make bodies take women, babies, Nephilim, never supposed to exist, giants that treat man cruelly, murderous. Creator raises up Lohem warriors from the pure worlds to come and kill Nephilim. Lohem men with extra special gifts and powers, trusted princes. Skip to modern day. Elizabeth 26 lives in UK, (Erets (earth) rebel world) awkward, disconnected, beautiful. Discovers gifts, 1st ever to travel from rebel world to non rebel worlds, befriends 5000 year-old Meegan ordinary but wise girl. Secretive ancient Lohem watch, wait, something is wrong, more to Elizabeth than meets the eye, a plot must be uncovered, a plan thwarted, Elizabeth must search her heart and make choices. Both sides want the powerful “princess of Erets” to do the right thing (for them). Story gets cookin.
See what I mean, how do you unravel this without frustrating the reader. Don’t say it… Skill? I know I know.
[This message has been edited by tnwilz (edited March 05, 2007).]
The Hunt
Earth, 3024 B.C.E.
In the middle of the road, only a short walk from the town gate, the two men slid from the invisibility of Ish-Ruach into the very visible Ish form and stood for a moment as unremarkable and ordinary men of flesh and blood. Eliud, absorbing his physical environment, looked behind at the wheel-worn dirt road that drew a line hurriedly and steeply down from the surrounding mountains, past sloping woods and green pastures as if anxious to meet up with the narrow river that swirled its twisting way through the well farmed valley. He could hear the river next to the road fuss and gurgle through rounded boulders as it pushed on into the small town. He glanced over at Alphaeus who was frowning and sniffing the air.
“Erets is cold and wet this far north,” he grumbled in the
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 05, 2007).]
If any of this is incorrect, then that would be the first thing for you to fix. If not, then there were still some rough spots conveying the above information. The first and second sentences need to be cut into shorter ones. Watch out for said-bookism; it's not a crime to use "said." "Erets" as a singular proper noun can be confusing. I'd avoid introducing singular nouns that end in "s." Try to avoid teaching the reader big vocab and concepts in the first sentences: it's okay to just say they "slid into visibility" and save the finer points of Ish and Ish-Ruach for when the reader has committed to the story.
If you can get that part to keep my head from spinning, I'd love to read more.
Good luck and keep it coming!
How does Eliud "absorb" his surroundings? Since he's something not human absorbing something could be literal. Also, if they'd been walking down the road, wouldn't Eliud know what was behind him? For me, I'd like less description of what is behind him and more details about why Eliud is there.
I agree with leaving lingo until later. I like the “slid into visibility” suggestion, and perhaps add something about feeling a different type of body form around him? Also make it clear if they were already here but invisible, or if they just now arrived.
“unremarkable and ordinary men of flesh and blood” is cumbersome. It sounds like it may be unusual for him to be in a “physical environment”. How about if one of them looks at his hands and thinks/feels how it is to be in this form [again]?
If the body type is not substantially different, then I suggest skipping “and…blood” in the first sentence. I assume they're trying to blend in; I suspect that is only relevant if they usually look different.
Any hint as to why they are here?
You don’t need “for a moment”, “hurriedly and steeply”, “its twisting way”.
Looking forward to the re-write, if you care to…
You already sound like a character. "Mrs. Brown in number four always vacuumed early on Wednesday mornings, bashing walls and furniture with that heavy cast ancient Hoover. As I lay awake I wonder if one day her whole apartment might not just come crashing down into mine.”
Yes, anyway. Lol. I am distracted with a couple of short stories right now, but Elizabeth’s Gift is like home to me. I want to get better working out shorts first and then I hope to be able to bring that greater degree of skill back to this demanding story. Thank you for your observations everything is appreciated.
Tracy
I was going for the "Mrs. Brown" described here:
http://www.sfwa.org/writing/turkeycity.html
Oh I get it you thought my little quip was a metaphor, no no I’m just messing around.
[This message has been edited by tnwilz (edited March 17, 2007).]