Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Redman

This is topic Redman in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by phoenix0714 (Member # 4960) on :

This is an alternative to my origional beginning for the story. Any ideas or input would be nice.

Atom wasn't even aware that he was alone. He'd never met or even dreamed of another human being. Not at least until this morning. Somehow he knew she was his mother. The strange figure in his dream had so much expression. He could read her face. The love, the longing. She knew him. He could read the animals too. By the way they stood or moved, or the body postures. But this was different. Where had she come from? Where was she now?
One thing he knew for sure was that she was real. Maybe she was one of the watchers. He knew about the watchers. So did all of the other animals. He also knew they were watching him in a way that was different than for the rest. They were interested in watching him. This world is his, it was made for him. But all this wasn't important, until now.

[This message has been edited by phoenix0714 (edited February 07, 2007).]

Posted by WetherbyOwl (Member # 4967) on :

Just wondering how someone can be unaware that they are alone? I think it's more likly to be unaware of other's existence or something. And technically, he's not alone if he has animals, and is aware of the watchers.

[This message has been edited by WetherbyOwl (edited February 07, 2007).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

POV problems. You're telling us what Atom *doesn't* know. So whose POV is it? It coulbe omni, but I think it would work better in his POV.

Possibly you could have paragraph 1 free, to state the parts we need to know that he doesn't.

I think I'd be interested in this world, but I don't really understand it.

Be sure that you get into a real scene, specific time/place/action, soon, I think.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

"Atom"?

Too much negative information, which sacrifices POV identification.

And just call him "Adam" if you want to make that association. Use a completely different name if you'd like to avoid it.