Rupert had arrived too late. He started the slow walk back to Westhaven, thinking of what had just happened. His hands were still dirty from having to bury his friends. Earlier in the day he had intercepted a redcap. They were particularly nasty breed of creatures. They were only as tall as a young child, with red eyes, long white beards, long talons, iron boots, and a red cap. Despite the boots, they were very quick. Rupert had a hard time catching it. He had had no idea that he would learn of the imminent death of his brother, Lionel, and his wife, Nicolette. He only knew that redcaps never had good intentions towards humans and killing one was a service to the world. Redcaps also were known to brag about themselves.
Matt
[This message has been edited by RMatthewWare (edited January 30, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 31, 2007).]
Posted by Grijalva (Member # 3295) on :
To me the first sentence has the most impact here, and you don't really give it the time of the day.
Why not let us feel his pain of his lost friends?
I feel your story could be much more impactful, if you start the story when he intercepts the red cap.
Posted by Max Masterson (Member # 4799) on :
Personally I would prefer the recapping left to a few paragraphs later (maybe only one or two). I'd like the first paragraph to be centered on the guy's feelings first then bring in more details of what's just happened. Once I know who he is I'm more interested.
(Just my opinions)
[This message has been edited by Max Masterson (edited January 30, 2007).]
Posted by RMatthewWare (Member # 4831) on :
My first draft of this was an action scene. Some of the feedback I got on that was "been here, done that". So I decided to start with his reflections. But you're right. I'm still focusing too much on detail and not enough on emotion, so I'll take a look at that.
Matt
Posted by RMatthewWare (Member # 4831) on :
Okay, here's a new draft.
Rupert had arrived too late. His friends were dead. Not just friends, family. Lionel was his younger brother, Nicolette his sister-in-law. The shock was gone, disbelief had fled when he buried them, now only pain remained. He had wanted to take his friends to Westhaven for a proper funeral, but he couldn’t carry them that far. To return for help would be pointless, wild animals would desecrate the bodies long before he got back. So he buried them, alone in a clearing, only two mounds of dirt to mark the spot. He had sat down then and wept into his hands. Everyone died, he knew that. But these two were acting on his instructions, his quest to save his village. They died a painful death, and he was responsible.
Matt
[This message has been edited by RMatthewWare (edited January 30, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 31, 2007).]
Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
Why have a flashback after a single paragraph? Start this with his seeing and giving chase to the redcap. You could write an entire chapter on that. "He arrived too late" could start chapter 2, but even then, there's no reason to put the burials in a flashback. By putting these things in flashback, you're still avoiding emotion, which is bound to be strongest at the time of the action (though I'll admit there are exceptions).
By the way, a redcap is: "a porter, usually in a railway station."(American Heritage) I don't know if you have something against these fellows, but if not you might think about choosing another name.
Posted by RMatthewWare (Member # 4831) on :
A redcap isn't a name I made up. It's mentioned in the Harry Potter novels (briefly and without description) and in several fantasy dictionaries.
I'm trying to condense this scene because the story isn't about Rupert. It's about his niece Cosette. The scene is vital here, and I can't work the information in later without being a flashback or a long description.
Matt
Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
I do vaguely remember the term "redcap" in HP somewhere--I thought it odd then, too. Oh, well.
If the story is about Cosette, start with her, when Rupert arrives at the door to tell her the news. She'll be able to see right away that something is wrong, and in his telling you can condense or expand it to whatever degree is appropriate. That's not a flashback, because it's an information exchange that's happening in real time.
Posted by trailmix (Member # 4440) on :
You seemed to be getting pulled all direction on this opening. Everyone is giving different advice and its probably getting a little frustrating but heres one more idea.
Start with him crying into his hands. He can feel the grit and sweat from digging the graves, perhaps still see the blood on his hands whether figuratively or literally. It would be a short scene but could be quite powerfull. I liked the last rewrite quite a bit. Definately improving.
Posted by Green_Writer (Member # 3302) on :
I agree with Trailmix. While its important to relay vital information, don't do it at the cost of the moment. Personally I think the funeral is a bad place to start because I don't know what it will lead to unless you feed us more information than you should for that moment.
Posted by RMatthewWare (Member # 4831) on :
I really do appreciate all the comments I'm getting. Each time I redo the start I think it gets better. And every reply I get from all of you, even if I disagree with it, contains advice that is useful. I think the opening is the most difficult part. After that the book flows well. It's just trying to hook people that is taking time.
Matt
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I liked your new version better. Pretty nice.
I was confused by two things:
* Where *is* Rupert? Spaceport? Office building? Parents' house? Easy enough to answer.
* Why are they dead? But I wouldn't gripe too much about not knowing why, since you're focusing on how he feels, and that's important. I'll want a hint *soon*, but I may not need it now.
You've got some comma splices to fix.
He wanted to take his friends to Westhaven: why not his family? If it's both, how about: He wanted to take them...
I'd read on. I want to know why he's to blame.
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
Something that bothered me when I read it: He only buried his bother and sister in law and left all the "friends" unburied?
You start with an emotional moment - he's too late and people are dead because of it - stay in that moment. Let us see Rupert deal with the grief before the practicality sets in i.e. I need to bury the villagers.
If he's going to distance himself emotionally from the death of his brother and sister-in-law - "But these two were acting . . ." - show me the moment when he pushes the grief aside.
While the clarity of this is better, I'm still not being drawn into the story but it is close to hooking me. I'm just missing an emotional connection now.
***
Unrelated to the 13 but based on your comments if Cosette is the story, why can't you start with her? Again, a bit of narrative would be in order as she learns of presumably her parent's deaths. If she's young, no one is likely to go into gory details or a long winded discussion.