Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Fantasy first 13 lines

This is topic Fantasy first 13 lines in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by fkrista (Member # 4506) on :

Thanks for reading! =) Any comments/critiques welcome~

The mist of night swirled around the elfkin as she made her way deeper into the forest and away from the safety of her caravan. Her movements, full of the grace of her people, were silent and careful as she traveled, occasionally looking back to see if she was being followed. She seemed out of place in this murky wood, where thick dark fingers of ferns reached for the tendrils of moss that hung draped from the looming ancient trees, but her gentle face showed purpose as she ventured further into the dark. With one hand she held her bulging belly, wrapped in robes of fine embroidered cloth, and the other was held out as a shield, so that none of the barricading branches would touch her precious bundle. The edge of her silvery robes was rimmed with mud and her shoes were wet with dawn as she shivered in the

[This message has been edited by fkrista (edited January 29, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 29, 2007).]

Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :

Howdy! I liked what was going on in this opening and where it could possibly lead (a pregnant elf...interesting concept). However, I would have prefered to know what she is doing away from the caravan a little sooner. I know it may seem like you are creating suspense by not telling us, but we only know the elfkin is determined and dreading to get where she is going, but we don't know the why and where in the situation, so we may not care enough to find the answers after only 13 lines. In addition, the description in this paragraph was very stock. Most people know that typical elves are graceful, wear cloaks and robes of the finest material, and make their home in forests of ancient flora (I could be wrong about this last one as you said she seemed out of place in a dark forest. Elves in a big metropolitan city? There's a story I would read.) Overall, I was hooked enough to go for a little longer, but if I found no answers to any of my questions soon, then I would stop.

Posted by Spartan (Member # 4662) on :

I would read on. A few things:

You seem to have long-sentence-with-too-many-adjectives-sydnrome, like I do. I agree with Mystic, you don't need to tell us about how graceful she is and all that, everyone who's read fantasy knows. Also, I'd like to know how afraid she is a little sooner, that bit of info just feels (to me)like an afterthought right now. And I think "occasionally" sounds like a casual word here, like she's not really that nervous about the whole ordeal. A good hook overall, keep it up.

[This message has been edited by Spartan (edited January 29, 2007).]

Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :

I'll pretty much go along with the above, especially the casualness of "occasionally". But I think, even more, the clause's placement at the end of a long sentence makes it seem by-the-way. You might think of putting it in it's own paragraph.

"She looked back often to see if she was being followed."

Doing that gives (IMO) the reader a good dose of "uh-oh".

There are a few other things: some passive voice ("the other was held out . . .", "The edge of her silvery robes was rimmed with mud . . ."), and some odd word choices: her shoes were wet with "dawn"? "Her direction was pathless"? Calling her belly a "precious bundle"? (Or did she actually have a bundle of something else that you never mentioned?) And "making her way determined and definite" sounds a bit as though she's causing "her way" to take on those attributes.

You also seem to have a slight tendency to make body parts the subject of the sentence or clause. "her gentle face showed purpose", "the other [hand] was held out", "Her eyes . . . darted around", and "Her direction was pathless. . ." (okay, that last one's not a body part, but it fit anyway). Nothing wrong with this if it's not overused.

I think this has a lot of promise. I would hope that in the next paragraph you would switch to 3rd person limited omniscient, and immediately let us know what's uppermost in her mind--that is, where she's going and why, and what she's worried about. I don't need that info in this selection (though at least some of it would probably help), but I will definitely need it pronto.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

I would read on.

Posted by Grijalva (Member # 3295) on :

I feel you have a lot of unnecessary words. Kind of like a drawing, every line must get the image and what your trying to portray, too many lines and the image is lost.

For instance, “The mist of night swirled around the elfkin as she made her way deeper into the forest and away from the safety of her caravan.” The use of, “of” makes it a passive sentence and takes away from the image here, when you could just say, “The night mist swirled around the elfkin as she made her way deeper into the forest...” This makes it a bit more active.

Also do we truly need to know that she left the safety of her caravan right now?

Narrative is good, but you lose a lot staying in a narrative voice. Go into her head, let us see how she sees this dark forest. Let us feel how her pregnancy burdens her. Don’t tell us she moved with grace, but show us.

This scene seems important, and not and area where you should stay in a narrative voice telling us what is going on, but instead show us and let us be apart of this event.

[This message has been edited by Grijalva (edited January 29, 2007).]

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

For me, this is right on the line of my withholding tolerance. I'm in agreement with Mystic.

Why not name the elfkin?

Why is she sneaking away from "her" caravan?

While I am curious, I'm not hooked because you could have told me the information but chose not to. I might give it another paragraph but will put it down if those basic questions aren't answered.

Your POV seems full omni, which is fine if that's what you were intending. I tend to like that POV choice. I do think you are showing us what is happening as we escape through the forest with the elfkin.

Posted by Max Masterson (Member # 4799) on :

I might not be saying anything that hasn't already been said. But if she's leaving the safety of her caravan that sugests she is going into danger. If it's possible to include at least a hint of whether the danger is imminent or merely the caravan is in general more safe a place than away from it I would personally prefer it.
If she is going into a wood known to contain some form of danger and it is necessary to be quiet so as not to attract it (whether it's wild beasts, some human bandits who regularly operate in it, or something else) then that's a good hook for me. I'm thinking; why deliberately leave safety for danger especially when pregnant? I assume there's a good reason and i read on to find out what it is.

Posted by fkrista (Member # 4506) on :

Thank you all for your helpful comments! I'll work on a revision and post it this weekend.