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Shiver Me Timbers When eleven-year-old Nova Star Nusome strolled into the Bardsville Middle School West wing doorway, the hair on the back of her neck stood on end, a sharp coldness raced through her bones and utmost dread assailed her. The auburn curly-haired young woman felt sick and thought she would throw up her bacon, eggs and toast. In front of her, Nova saw movement. A gray transparent human silhouette flashed before her blue eyes and was gone with a crackling sound. Nova jumped back. “Dear Vulcan. What the heck…? Was that another ghost?” Ghosts had recently started in the school making trouble. Nova didn't like the feeling of dread everyone else seemed to put up with. She wanted to get rid of it.
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In fact, could you break up the entire first thirteen. It feels to me like you are rushing through the dread with only a brief mention.
Like could you start before the cold? What is Nova thinking about, what does she see? And then have a moment were you establish the sudden chill, and Nova's reaction to it. Have her look around, breath out and get that dragons' breath thing that's a little bit cliche, but still gives a moment for the reader to feel frightened, and then a brief movement, nova's eyes turn, and BAM! a ghost appears.
And then what does the ghost look like, is it a female, or a male, what expression is on his/ her transparent face? Is there a purpose for the ghosts appearance at the school, I'm guessing so, but if you give a hint, maybe have the ghost start to say something, or start crying, or else the ghost could not even notice Nova standing there.
Either way, if you take time establishing the story, then the reader has time to wonder what's going on, and the reader has time to care about the character.
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Thank you Sheena for your critique. The ghost is just a shadow of its former self. There would be no voice or face because Nova is just seeing the tale end of a visitation of a ghost.
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quote:When eleven-year-old Nova Star Nusome strolled into the Bardsville Middle School West wing doorway, the hair on the back of her neck stood on end, a sharp coldness raced through her bones and utmost dread assailed her. The auburn curly-haired young woman felt sick and thought she would throw up her bacon, eggs and toast. In front of her, Nova saw movement. A gray transparent human silhouette flashed before her blue eyes and was gone with a crackling sound.
That, my friend, is a lot of adjectives and descriptive nouns. It breaks up the narrative *way* too much, which I believe is what makes it feel "rushed" as Shimiqua said. Having one or two of those bits of description would be nice, but having them all is a bit bewildering.
I do like the abruptness of the ghost's appearance and disappearance, and the "crackling sound" does add an intriguing detail, but the whole experience was hard to imagine or appreciate upon first read, because it's so chock-full of descriptors. Try slicing ALL of them out, and then adding back in only those that are strictly necessary. hint: you can always get around to her hair color *later.* (heck, even her full name and age aren't necessary *right* away.)
[This message has been edited by Tryndakai (edited March 05, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by Tryndakai (edited March 05, 2011).]
posted
When Nova strolled into the Bardsville Middle School doorway, the hair on the back of her neck stood on end, a coldness raced through her bones and dread assailed her. She felt sick and thought she would throw up. In front of her, Nova saw movement. A gray transparent form flashed before her and was gone with a crackling sound.
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By the way thank you Tryndakai for your good points in your critique. I might need to set this monster aside and take a breather from it.
Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2011
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Yeah it is a little better. I was going to suggest the same things. The changes makes your writing more active. You need to watch your sentences. I am not a grammar expert by any means but did my best.
quote: When(cut) Nova strolled into the Bardsville Middle School doorway,(.) the(The) hair on the back of her neck stood on end,(. A) a coldness raced through her bones and dread assailed her. She felt sick and thought she would throw up. In front of her, Nova saw movement. A gray transparent form flashed before her and was gone with a crackling sound.
My thoughts overall, it still feels rushed, like she was just slammed by it in an instant, and its unrelenting. I dont know her, and don't really feel the dread. There are some options to fix that, you can use dianlogue or more action on her part. This would allow us to know more about her instantly. Like does she see this often. You dont need to come out and say it, in fact you dont want to, you want to show it.
ex. Nova strolled into Bardsville Middle School. The hair on the back of her neck stood on end as the door slammed shut behind her. Cold raced to her bones and that familiar dread rose inside. Oh god, not again. She fought the urge to throw up.
Alright, so not the best on my part, but I am trying to show a little bit of how you can slow it down, and show us some characterization.
I suggest as I always do. Keep writing it, finish the story if you havent. The last thing you want to do, is get caught up in the first 13 truly until its finish. Maybe a couple little rewrites to see how you are progressing, then get back to the book. You will find as you write, your character will develop more which may help with the intro.
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Mmm. Actually, I think I'ma backtrack a bit on what I said. Your cuts might be a little *too* extreme . . . but then, my critique probably sounded fairly extreme, too. You ought to keep *some* of the lengthier descriptive sentences, because it adds flavor and showcases your particular writing style, and because mixing up the sentence types and lengths makes the prose flow better.
My particular cuts would probably go like this:
quote:When eleven-year-old Nova Star Nusome strolled into Bardsville Middle School, the hair on the back of her neck stood on end. A sharp coldness raced through her bones, and she thought she might throw up her breakfast. In front of her, Nova saw movement. A gray, transparent, human silhouette flashed before her eyes and was gone with a crackling sound.
Yeah, I left the full name and age in there, after all. but broken up a bit more, and with some of the other details gone, it doesn't seem like such a mouthful. Instead, it seems like a gentle opener, which can then lead quickly into the physical sensations and the realization that there's a ghost in the hall.
I can also agree with Tiergan's comments, and the example placing the reader more *inside* Nova's head, and giving little hints at backstory with words like "familiar" and "not again . . ." and the like. But, you know, make it *your* version.
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but broken up a bit more, and with some of the other details gone, it doesn't seem like such a mouthful. Instead, it seems like a gentle opener, which can then lead quickly into the physical sensations and the realization that there's a ghost in the hall.
