posted
This is the opening of my project, which really has no name. I'm calling it "The Root Cellar" for now because an actual root cellar inspired the story. I know a lot of people on here are writing epic fantasy, but this isn't like that; I'd call it "fantasy lite." The main character starts off in this world and falls into a new one. It's just over 27,000 words so far.
Dani was lost. With twilight rapidly closing in on the Ozark hills, it was either find a way home or spend the night in a tree being eaten by mosquitoes. Not that any of the trees were worth spending the night in, she thought as she looked around at the spindly trunks, slapping bugs away. They'd break if she leaned too hard on them, and the branches on the bigger ones were too high to reach. Spending the night on the ground was absolutely out of the question. The air in the trees was close and muggy, beading her brow with sweat which she aggressively wiped away. The long pants she wore were protecting her from thorns and insects, but they weren't doing much for the mid-July heat. Aside from changing, she hadn't done much to prepare for her unintended hike.
Please let me know what you think and if you'd like to read more!
posted
With the caveat that I'm not very good at first 13's myself:
I don't have any idea why spending the night on the ground in the Ozarks would be out of the question. If Dani knows--if, for example, she's seen a dragon out there--then we should know, too.
And I don't know why she took this "unintended hike".
These aren't hooks. They're annoying, because you're withholding information.
At a guess, without knowing the story, I'd say you started in the wrong place. If Dani took this hike because she saw something strange from her campsite and followed it, as an example, then that's where the story should probably start.
That, and we need a reason to care about Dani. For that, we probably need a glimpse of who she is. Just being lost isn't doing it for me.
I would never think about spending a night in a tree. Is that Ozarkian practice? Why would it be out of the question?
'the air in the trees' She isn't in the trees, she's walking in a forest.
'which she aggressively wiped away' I have never seen anybody aggressively wipe sweat away before.
'aside from changing, she was unprepared for her unintended hike' If the hike was unintended then why did she change for it?
A few things to think about. I'm not in the story. You haven't really said anything except Dani is lost and not looking forward to an uncomfortable night. That's not particularly interesting at this point.
You might think about answering the question: Why is Dani lost? That could lead to a more engaging start.
posted
I had a more positive reaction to this start. I like Dani because she seems confident and capable (she knows the area, and is more concerned about avoiding bug bites then spending a night alone in the wilderness). I sense her confidence that she will eventually get herself out of this mess, given more time.
I suspect her reason for staying off the ground is bugs/plants/wildlife, but I agree it should be spelled out. If you can make it sound a little more perilous, I will root for her all the more.
You don’t need to mention that she changed. Maybe she could be frustrated about not having any of her usual gear for this unintended hike, something like that.
I assume the next paragraph will explain the reason for the hike, and how this capable person ended up lost.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited April 29, 2009).]
posted
Thanks for your feedback! I was excited to read it! I guess a little more background is necessary. Dani is a 20-yr-old college student (an Archaeology major at Penn State) visiting her grandmother in Edwards, MO, a teeny town on the Lake of the Ozarks (which is a real town and place). Her parents, with whom she does not live, are also there visiting because it’s a family tradition to go at that time of year. She’s left the house because her parents are constantly bickering and it’s driving her crazy, so she tosses a water bottle in her bag and leaves, even though she’s never been in the woods there before.
I guess I assumed the reasoning behind spending the night in a tree over the ground was obvious: bugs, spiders, snakes, bears, etc. I started the story at the exact moment Dani realizes she’s lost.
Here's my second try (I took all of this from later in the chapter): -------- Dani was lost. With twilight rapidly closing in on the Ozark hills, it was either find a way home or spend the night in a tree being eaten by mosquitoes.
Not that any of the trees were worth spending the night in, she thought as she looked around at the spindly trunks, slapping bugs away; they'd break if she leaned too hard on them. Poisonous snakes, spiders, and the local black bear population didn’t make sleeping on the ground an attractive option, either.
She grew angrier with herself for her decision to enter the forest in the first place. She'd been coming here for years and had never done so before; the woods had been taboo to her since childhood because of mom’s “If You Go In There You’ll Die” speech. ------- In the next line you find out that she left to take a walk in the woods because her parents are fighting and she's sick of it. Her half-planned walk turned into an unintended hike when she got lost.
There are no elements of fantasy at this point in my story. She's a normal girl in the real world. The fantasy part comes in when she finds an old root cellar to shelter in and wakes up in a completely different forest.
Does knowing the background info help? It's all stuff you find out on the first page or so. Wow. The hook is harder than I thought! Thanks for your help!
posted
Part of the trick with a good first 13 is knowing when to start the story. From what you said in your last post, the story might really start when she enters the root cellar. The background might not even apply to your story other than the fact she had gone off walking and ended up, ultimately, in a different place.
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posted
I agree. I think the writing feels tight, it's just that you are starting at the wrong place. If I was you I would go to the part in your story where she finds the root cellar. I bet things are darker and scarier there, and a frightened lost girl going someplace unusual is a hook. A semifrightened lost girl wandering, not so much.