posted
I was trying out the 13 line exercise on several opening chapter studies I've done for story ideas, and this one brought a smile to my face because of where the 13 line cutoff fell:
Baudwynn had little tolerance for boredom. That's why he seldom encountered it. His body had an unsolicited genius for livening up boring chores. It was boring to wait in a damp buckwheat field, five days ride from any town he could have named a year ago. As Baudwynn leaned upon the staff in his left hand, his right fished in his pocket for cigarette papers. It was only when it attempted to press them into his left hand so it could retrieve his tobacco pouch that Baudwynn noticed what it was up to. Striking a match now would be a bad idea, a proverbial career-ending move. Baudwynn sighed. This reminded him of an old riddle, whose answer he knew only too well: What do they call the student who graduates last in his class at Wizard's College?
posted
Heard this one. But in terms of my fellow physicians. What do they call the person who graduates last in his medical school class?" As such, its use here brought me out of the story.
However, I see this perhaps as a tongue-in-cheek fantasy in the tradition of Piers Anthony's Xanth or Peter David's Sir Apropos of Nothing. Is this your intent?
posted
Sure, Dr. Bob. Wizard's College is a lot like medical school, only when they hear hoofbeats, they think unicorns.
The concept of the story is inherently anachronistic: a talented wizard with out of control ADHD. Baudwynn was a square peg in a round educational hole; in older times he'd have been a prominent wizard, but as the state is centralized it is putting great emphasis on magical education that can fill the needs of the bureaucracy with capable but bland technocrats.
Baudwynn might most resemble Terry Pratchett's Rincewind, but unlike Rincewind he actually seeks out danger, because that's when he feels most alive. He's also quite a talented wizard, but his education is spotty. This leads him into situations that call for desperate improvisation, which is precisely the kind of magic his classmates can't do.
[This message has been edited by MattLeo (edited December 07, 2010).]
posted
The writing is good, but I'm not really engaged in this.
I know in novels there doesn't need to be a big flashy hook, but I think there should be some hint of conflict or interesting world or character development.
Honestly I think this whole beginning can be deleted. The only thing we get from this is that Baudwynn doesn't like being bored and finds interesting ways to entertain himself, and that is told to us but not shown.
What is shown is a man in a field fishing for cigarettes to smoke while waiting for whatever. This is very mundane. Anyone who smokes would do this. So this does not show us that he has ADHD or that he find creative ways to entertain himself. This almost contradicts what we are told about him.
posted
Good point. Set a hook right off. E.g. Baudwynn had little tolerance for boredom. The dragon had little tolerance for wizards. Thus, they were well-met.
Respectfully, History
[This message has been edited by History (edited December 08, 2010).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
