posted
There was silence in the great hall as the slight figure of the girl made obeisance before Amon – her thick auburn hair draping her face as she bowed her head and bent her knee. A bit of her hair stuck to her mouth and the muscles in her leg quivered ever so slightly as she held herself. From the distant dais in front of the immense black cube, a white hand fluttered like a bird flapping into the night. Then the silence broke as the girl straightened, her face flushed from the bow. She began walking towards the dais where the wizened man sat. Halting in front of Amon, the girl tilted her head again. “Why?” came the question from the papery lips of Amon, “Why do you want to go to lost colony?” A whirl of emotions cross her face -- anger, grief, and longing. “Because it is where I die,” she replied.
[This message has been edited by Ennis (edited September 20, 2008).]
posted
I really loved this. Just from the brief descriptions and actions I get a real sense of the character and her emotions. Very well done. I would definitely read on.
The only thing I would change is the description of the hand as a bird. I seemed out of place among all the other imagery and out of character with the other descriptions you give.
posted
Thanks Starbrusttiger! I really appreciate the feedback. My husband said something similar about that one image, the bird thing, so I think maybe I'll drop it. This is actually the prologue for the novel and I admit I had to change it a bit to fit the 13-line requirement. If you're interested I could send you the full-version (only 1.5 pages). Thanks again for the feedback!
Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2008
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posted
I agree that the bird imagery is distracting. It seems too flippant, almost, for such a grand scene.
Two questions: 1) You say the silence broke as the girl straightened, but there is no sound described until the man speaks. Does this mean he spoke as soon as she straightened?
2) What POV is this? Right now I am watching the scene as an outside observer. I would love to be inside either the girl or the man's head. Even though this is a prologue, you can still use a personal POV. It doesn't have to be the MC.
The hook for me is that the girl is going somewhere to die. I want to know why she is dying (illness, punishment, curse) and why she has to do it there.
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I'm with Alizarin on the POV thing. This is all tell and no show. I feel like I'm being intentionally excluded to a great extent and I don't want to be. You have my interest, but it's waning fast here. I really want you to fire right off with, "(Her name) wanted to die more than anything in the world..." or something like that. Bam! Off and running. Oh, and the physical description isn't needed. I'll assume she's hot unless you say otherwise. Funny how that works.
Posts: 112 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
I didn't have a problem with either the bird metaphor or the POV. I saw the girl clearly and vividly (the trembling muscles part is *showing* the strain of the bow, not "telling" as SolarStone complained about, and is a striking description), as well as got wonderful impressions of a dark, foreboding setting. The issues that struck me were the "silence broke" sentence, as AlizarinFire mentioned, as well as opening a lovely prologue with "There was." Snoopy opens with "There was." You certainly write better than a cartoon beagle, so I suggest a simple rearrangement of the opening sentence.
I am greatly intrigued, and would love to look over the prologue for you!
[This message has been edited by C L Lynn (edited September 25, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by C L Lynn (edited September 25, 2008).]
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Telling is okay if this is a milieu-driven story more than a character-driven one, and this person is an archetype or is a disposable character being used to illustrate an opening point (ie the cruelty of Amon).
Nowadays character stories dominate---for good reason---so perhaps I jumped the POV gun. But I wouldn't need the impression of a dark forboding place if I were experiencing her fear, doubt, or her elation juxtaposed with the dark surroundings to highten my interest by adding a twist. Likewise, the whirl of emotions crossing her face doesn't move me because it's just as benign as the hand fluttering like a bird, which would make a lot more sense if she was the one thinking it looked like a bird because it'd be her impression instead of a snapshot. I'm not saying it's bad writing. Heavens no! I'm picking at the POV and not the writing or the story. I like the opening enough that I want more, and that doesn't mean the 14th line and beyond; I want more story in the first 13.
posted
Thank you everyone for your feedback! I actually agree with Alizarin and Solarstone's comments on the POV. I was having trouble with the 13-line rule and had to cut my narrator out of the story to make it fit. In my original version the POV was a man observing the girl (not Amon). If anyone would like, I can send them the original version, which is a prologue coming in at around 600 words right now.
That being said, I probably should find a way of working it all into the first 13 lines... so I guess I have my work cut out for me!
Also, thank you C L Lynn for your comments about re-wording the first line, I think you're absolutely right. It would be much better without the "there was".
Again I very much appreciate all your feedback, you guys are great! :-)
[This message has been edited by Ennis (edited September 25, 2008).]
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