posted
I don’t if anyone wants to workshop their query’s or even synopsis deeper. I don’t know about you, but I find myself rewriting them, but using the same words nearly all the time. So I am convinced I have gotten to close to the work to change it at this point. I would love any insight on it. Below I have written about my main character, what he does, and the trouble he faces, and about the magic involved in this world. Obviously not all information should be contained. But I am hoping with fresh eyes maybe I can find some new insight on which to add to my query to make it more complete.
quote: Dear Mr. My Agent,
Aging knight, Anlin, has dedicated his life to the Knights Valor, a holy sect sworn to fight evil. But when ten-year Roselyn summons him to her aid, he begins to doubt his faith, for the magic of Knights Valor has a steep price, the life of the one who calls.
Bound by magic, Anlin reluctantly accepts the young girl’s quest to free her parents from the Fallen God Trevain. Anlin storms into battle as cold and ruthless as ever, the life-force of the dragon in his shield his only ally. Taking the coin purses from the bodies of the dead he buys his drink to silence the guilt of those he has slain and the one he has yet to. This time though, the bottle grants him no peace, for Roselyn is just a pawn, the sacrifice needed to summon him, and the real reason he is here, is to capture the Shield of The Five from Trevain. In the hands of a Knights Valor the demons from the shield could heal the world, but in the hands of Trevain they are a nightmare of death. Trevain will stop nothing to restore his father's once hallowed legacy, and unleashes the demons to slay the knight of last salvation. Diminutive in stature, The Five possess ungodly strength and speed, but their true power lies in their numbers…to kill one, you must kill all.
Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him.
KNIGHTS VALOR is 100,000-word fantasy complete and available at your request. I have included a one-page synopsis and the first chapter for your review.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited February 08, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited February 19, 2011).]
quote:Dear Mr. My Agent, Aging knight, Anlin, has dedicated his life to the Knights Valor, a holy sect sworn to fight evil. But when ten-year-old Roselyn summons him to her aid, he begins to doubt his faith, for the magic of Knights Valor has a steep price, the life of the one who calls.
Bound by magic, Anlin reluctantly accepts is forced to accept the young girl’s quest to free her parents from the Fallen God Trevain. Anlin storms into battle as cold and ruthless as ever, the life-force of the dragon in his shield his only ally. Taking the coin purses from the bodies of the dead he buys his drink to silence the guilt of for those he has slain and the one he has yet to. "and the one he has yet to" feels awkward and moreover isn't quite true. This sentence is the one I feel needs the most work. This time though, the bottle grants him no peace, for Roselyn is just a pawn, the sacrifice needed to summon him, and the real reason he is here, is to capture the Shield of The Five from Trevain. In the hands of a Knights Valor the demons from the shield could heal the world, but in the hands of Trevain they are a nightmare of death. Trevain will stop at nothing to restore his father's once hallowed legacy, and unleashes the demons to slay the knight of last salvation. Diminutive in stature, The Five possess ungodly strength and speed, but their true power lies in their numbers…to kill one, you must kill them all.
Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl again, not strictly true. destroy the girl?, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him.
KNIGHTS VALOR is 100,000-word fantasy complete and available at your request. I have included a one-page synopsis and the first chapter for your review.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
quote:Taking the coin purses from the bodies of the dead he buys his drink to silence the guilt for those he has slain and the one he has yet to. This time though, the bottle grants him no peace, for Roselyn is just a pawn, the sacrifice needed to summon him, and the real reason he is here, is to capture the Shield of The Five from Trevain.
I'm not sure about the detail of taking money from the dead. I'm sure it works in the story, but here it's making me not like Anlin so much.
Perhaps: He tries to stall because Roselyn is much too young, but that only costs more innocent lives. Between battles, he tries to drown his guilt for the things he has done and what he may still have to do in the name of the Knights Valor.
This time, the bottle grants him no peace. Roselyn is merely the sacrifice needed to summon him. The real reason he is here is to capture the Shield of the Five from Trevain.
(I think I might break up that second paragraph, like this, just for white space.)
posted
Thanks Meredith. Its funny how we the author can get locked into a sentence or two. But then someone else can break it and open up some new insight.
posted
A good query remains a challenge for me. I'm simply unhappy with what I've attempted to date. Any comments and suggestions, as always, will be appreciated.
quote:A close friend of Rabbi Cane has lost his head. Literally.
While investigating the decapitation of his colleague, Jacob Cane, unordained rabbi, physician, paranormal investigator, and mage is drawn into a police investigation of a series of gruesome murders, the victims seemingly harvested for random body parts.
Someone has called up a demon. Cane seeks to discover who, and why. Then Cane discovers the demon has its own agenda: to fully Manifest on Earth and open the Gates of Hell. To stop it, Cane will need to save the life of Thomas Assini, the Boston crimelord he believes conjured it. But Assini is trying to kill him. Some days it doesn't pay be a tzaddik.
Rabbi Cane must surmount both professional and personal challenges: the smart and beautiful Boston Detective Akako Olafson, her irascible boss Lieutenant Sean Callahan, the head of the Boston crime syndicate Thomas Assini, and a variety of angelic and demonic beings associated with the higher emanations of the Kabbalistic Tree of Life.
The Kabbalist: The Foundation of the Kingdom (108,000 words) is an urban fantasy novel set in the narrow streets, alley bars, mansions, and subway tunnels of Boston, and incorporates the mystical traditions and folklore of Judaism, Christianity, and Germanic paganism. Its intended audience includes fans of Jim Butcher's wizard and private investigator Harry Dresden, as well as those of Harry Kellerman's happenstance detective and mensch Rabbi Small.
Begin or not begin with?:
quote:There is a demon loose in Boston, and Rabbi Cane has to stop him. As the body count rises, his friends, his enemies, and the police are saying it's his fault. Cane fears they may be right.
Since I am not professionally published (except in medical journals), include or not include a bio?:
quote:I am a physician, practicing Jew, and a student of Jewish tradition and folklore for over thirty years with collegiate education in British Literature, Critical Analysis, and Creative Writing. I admittedly share many of the character flaws of my protagonist in being an over-educated, well-meaning and, at times, overbearing insufferable schlemiel. My wife and daughter graciously, and expertly, with curt word or silent stare, correct my excesses.
In answer to a recent question about the novel's intended audience (on the "Fragments" thread), I wrote the following. Do you believe any part of this would be better than the preceding to include within the query?:
quote:My intended audience is the general market, particularly those who enjoy urban fantasy.
As shared above,I was in part inspired by Jim Butcher's popular THE DRESDEN FILES, as well as by Harry Kellerman's RABBI SMALL MYSTERIES, as well as paranormal investigator series of earlier days.
Jewish mysticism (Kabbalah) has long been an interest of mine, and I feel it provides, if not original, at least an intriguing pseudo-fantasy element that may appeal to many.
You don't have to be Jewish to enjoy bagels and cream cheese, nor a good kosher brisket. Kapish?
However, those of a religious inclination may find the Jewish elements in the tale, including mystical ones (e.g. a visit to the supernal worlds and their denizens), of interest. All are based on actual Kabbalistic teachings, suppositions, and texts.
Those who like crime and a murder mystery will find this present as well.
Those who like unrequited romance (not necessarily, but not excluding, sex) and interesting character relationships will hopefully not be disappointed.
Then there is the fantasy adventure and action, spell-magic, gunfire and swords, subterranean caverns, and gay bar.
I think there is a kitchen sink in there, somewhere, as well.
Respectfully, Dr. Bob
[This message has been edited by History (edited February 14, 2011).]
quote:A close friend of Rabbi Cane has lost his head. Literally.
While investigating the decapitation of his colleague, Jacob Cane, unordained rabbi, physician, paranormal investigator, and mage is drawn into a the police investigation of a series of gruesome murders, the victims seemingly harvested for random body parts. That last clause feels a little clumsy. I think I want the body parts and not the victims to have been harvested.
Someone has called up a demon. Quite a jump. Cane suspects the someone has called up a demon? Cane seeks to discover who, and why. Then Cane discovers the demon has its own agenda: to fully Manifest on Earth and open the Gates of Hell. To stop it, Cane will need to save the life of Thomas Assini, the Boston crimelord he believes conjured it. Cane's name is used four times in that paragraph alone.
But Assini is trying to kill him.
Some days it doesn't pay be a tzaddik.
Rabbi Cane must surmount both professional and personal challenges: the smart and beautiful Boston Detective Akako Olafson, her irascible boss Lieutenant Sean Callahan, the head of the Boston crime syndicate Thomas Assini, and a variety of angelic and demonic beings associated with the higher emanations of the Kabbalistic Tree of Life. First, this is a really, really long sentence. And it's name soup. You probably do need to give some indication of the obstacles (or distractions, in the case of Akako) that the protagonist will have to overcome. Try doing it without listing all the names, though.
The Kabbalist: The Foundation of the Kingdom the title should be in all caps(108,000 words) is an urban fantasy novel set in the narrow streets, alley bars, mansions, and subway tunnels of Boston, and incorporates the mystical traditions and folklore of Judaism, Christianity, and Germanic paganism. Okay, I'm gasping for breath after that sentence. I had a law professor who claimed there was absolutely no reason for any sentence to be more than 25 words. That one is 40 words. Its intended audience includes fans of Jim Butcher's wizard and private investigator Harry Dresden, as well as those of Harry Kellerman's happenstance detective and mensch Rabbi Small. There are differences of opinion about whether to compare your work to others. Just be sure to check the agents for any clues about what they like.
My first impression was that this query was a little long. It actually isn't. But it looks and feels like it is. In general, I'd look to break up a few long sentences and maybe try to get some more white space in there.
quote:Thank you, Meredith. Are you suggesting no more than a a certain number of lines between breaks?
And may please I ask your rationale for this?
Respectfully, Dr. Bob
Nope. It's a sort of an aesthetic thing (which probably means you'll find all kinds of opinions). But white space gives the reader's eye a place to rest.
The only real reason I suggest it here was because of the general feel of length about this query. More white space might actually make that worse, for all I know. It's just something to play with as you work on the query.
I do think you really do need to work on sentence length, though.
posted
Sorry, I have been busy of late, saw this posted but didnt get time until now. Full disclosure, I am no expert by any means, and am a firm believer in the theory the query is about the inner character conflict. So take what you can from my rambling, I hope something will be there. I tend to rewrite as I seem unable to tell what I think.
I like the first line.
But the 2nd paragraph leads awkwardly for me and should be bridged better.
A close friend of Rabbi Cane has lost his head -- literally.
Drawn into the police investigation, Jacob Cane, unordained rabbi, paranormal investigator and mage finds himself lost in a series of gruesome murders, with seemingly random body parts harvested from the dead. Someone has called a demon.Alright I deleted physician, his job description just seemed to ramble on. Also added the demon calling here, as it felt like a direct thought, and in m opinion ran more smooth. Also is a demon called or summoned?
Here is where I start feeling disjointed. I understand that the demon has its own agenda, and Cane thinks Assini is tyring to kill him and Can needs to save Assini's life to destroy the demon? This is the paragraph that needs the most work in my opinion.
Then finish with the : SOme days it doenst pay to be a tzaddik. (Although I have no idea what that is.)
I dont think the Rabbi Cane paragraph is needed, as written just reads like a list to me, so adds nothing but confusion as if a 2nd thought. A query is about what does Cane want, who or want stands in his way, and what does he have to do to get it, all in its simplest form.
Ok, the last paragraph. The Kabbalist: The Foundation of the Kingdom, is 108,000 word urban fantasy novel set in the narrow streets, and subway tunnels of Boston. Incorporating the mystical traditions and folklore of Judaism, Christianity, and Germanic paganism, appealing to fans of Jim Butcher's wizard and private investigator Harry Dresden, as well as those of Harry Kellerman's happenstance detective and mensch Rabbi Small.
Ok, I made some cuts and rewording, sorry, I am running out of time again. Will try to review what I did, but it gets an idea of where I am going. I do agree with Meredith, you do need to very sentence length and paragraphs. White space is good in a query it shows you know the story so in and out that you dont need an entire page to show its purpose or attract attention to it.
Feel free to ask me anything if something doesnt make sense.
Good Luck.
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited February 17, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited February 17, 2011).]
posted
That's ok, Smiley. Transliteration of Hebrew into English can have various spellings. I use those that are most common among the Tribe. E.g. http://www.jewfaq.org/rabbi.htm
posted
Alright, finally tried to face this query again.
Dear Mr. My Agent,
Aging knight, Anlin, has dedicated his life to the Knights Valor, a holy sect sworn to fight evil. But when ten-year Roselyn summons him to her aid, he begins to doubt his faith, for the magic of Knights Valor has a steep price, the life of the one who calls.
Bound by magic, Anlin is forced to accept the young girl’s quest to free her parents from the Fallen God Trevain. This time, his heart isn’t in it though, and he tries to stall. But when a flash flood, conjured to kill him, costs thousands their lives, he reluctantly accepts his tortured fate.
He storms into battle, the life-force of the dragon in his shield his only ally. Drowning himself in wine, he tries to silence the guilt of what he has done and what he must still do in the name of the Knights Valor. This time the bottle grants him no peace. For Roselyn is merely the sacrifice needed to summon him. The real reason he is here is to capture the Shield of the Five from Trevain. In the hands of a Knights Valor the demons from the shield could heal the world, but in the hands of Trevain--they are a nightmare of death.
Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him.
KNIGHTS VALOR is 100,000-word fantasy complete and available at your request. I have included a one-page synopsis and the first chapter for your review.
Aging knight, Anlin, has dedicated his life to the Knights Valor, a holy sect sworn to fight evil. But when ten-year ten-year-old Roselyn summons him to her aid, he begins to doubt his faith, for the magic of Knights Valor has a steep price, the life of the one who calls.
The second sentence is pretty long. You might want to break it up. I'm also not sure I'd start the sentence with "But".
quote:Bound by magic, Anlin is forced to accept the young girl’s quest to free her parents from the Fallen God Trevain. This time, his heart isn’t in it though, and he tries to stall. But when a flash flood, conjured to kill him, costs thousands their lives, he reluctantly accepts his tortured fate.
He storms into battle, the life-force of the dragon in his shield his only ally. Drowning himself in wine, he tries to silence the guilt of what he has done and what he must still do in the name of the Knights Valor. This time the bottle grants him no peace. For Roselyn is merely the sacrifice needed to summon him. The real reason he is here is to capture the Shield of the Five from Trevain. In the hands of a Knights Valor the demons from the shield could heal the world, but in the hands of Trevain--they are a nightmare of death.
Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him.
This last paragraph is repetitive. There's very little new in it.
quote: KNIGHTS VALOR is 100,000-word fantasy complete and available at your request. I have included a one-page synopsis and the first chapter for your review.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited February 25, 2011).]
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