Got sidetracked working on this because of a friend. It's a long story why. May as well polish it.
Awash in endless agony, Kimo Kai hunkered impatient and anxious deep in the back of a night-cloaked alley. A chill shuddered through him. Squeaky, where the fook are you? He tilted back his head and blew out. A revolting funk slithered from the dumpster he huddled near, and he gagged. He tucked his nose under the neck of his sweater. A cruel gust clawed with icy talons through the narrow passage. Dry leaves swirled and chittered. Kimo shivered and balled his hands inside his ragged coat. Fook this fookin’ cold, he mused as he crooked a bitter smile. He missed warm Hawaiian beaches. He missed the sun. He missed home. His wide shoulders drooped. The clump of boots on pavement caught his attention. A tall figure
[ September 30, 2019, 09:57 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]
Posted by EmmaSohan (Member # 10917) on :
Sorry this is not getting attention. The people here want to respond, but you might have gotten lost the queue. Sigh, I am not a good person to answer.
For me -- nothing has happened. So you are, in a way, starting with setting. You can start with setting, but it's not a popular modern choice. How do your favorite books start? It has some action, but that hasn't really gone anywhere either.
I run into a small, specific problem -- how does anyone know the agony is endless? Could you have meant constant?
A cruel gust clawed with icy talons through the narrow passage. Dry leaves swirled and chittered.
That is packed with metaphor. But just to describe an alley? I am not a good reader for you, because it's hard for me to process imagery. When I work at it -- it's beautiful. But for just a detail of setting? And again, if your favorite books are like this, you should keep writing this way.
Posted by T. K. Bounds (Member # 11228) on :
@EmmaSohan
Thanks for pointing out my flaws. I've probably gone too heavy on the metaphors; a residual habit that transferred from a horror novel I'm working on.
I'll put the 'selling' problem in my subconscious brain bin. It will come up with something. It does, or it gets fired.
Posted by Jay Greenstein (Member # 10615) on :
quote:Awash in endless agony, Kimo Kai hunkered impatient and anxious deep in the back of a night-cloaked alley.
As an opening line, it's okay, but not great—unless you continue in his viewpoint. We have a limited idea of where we are, and an overview of the mood of the protagonist. If you build on this in the protagonist's moment of now, as he or she perceives the situation, it works. But...
quote:A chill shuddered through him.
Place yourself into the reader's seat. After that first line, are they interested in knowing that he felt a chill for unknown reasons, or do they want to know what's going on?
As presented, this is not in the protagonist's viewpoint. It's you, someone neither on the scene or in the story, talking to the reader about him, and giving information without context. Is he dying or cold? Frightened or reacting to the bite of a grue, or... Without knowing that the chill lacks context and so is irrelevant to the reader.
quote:Squeaky, where the fook are you?
So someone we known nothing about is upset that someone not introduced isn't in this unknown location to do something unknown?
Here we are, third sentence, and as a reader we're lost. We don't know who we are as a person or why we should care what happens to them. We have no idea of why he's there or what he hopes to accomplish. We know nothing about his motivations or the situation as-he-perceives-it. So he's not our avatar. He's the focus of your attention, and the reader can neither hear nor see your performance. The words have perfect meaning for you because you know him, his backstory, even what he had as a snack. The reader has only what your words suggest to them, based on their background, not your intent.
quote:He tilted back his head and blew out.
Give some thought to why the reader would care if he tilted his head when they can't see him and don't know why he did. Think about why the reader cares that someone we don't know blows out his breath for unknown reasons.
You're thinking cinematically, and reporting a chronicle of events from a visual perspective, of the form, "This happened...then that happened...and after that..."
quote:A revolting funk slithered from the dumpster he huddled near, and he gagged.
Again a visual that only you can see. What's a funk in terms of this story, and why does it make this person react this way? You know. He knows. Anyone in the story might know. But the reader, the one you wrote this for, has been given no clue of if we're even on this planet, and in the era they're familiar with.
This is pretty much a demonstration piece of why we cannot "tell" the reader a story on the page from the viewpoint of a storyteller. You're leaving out information so obvious to you that you "fill in the blanks" without knowing you're doing it, and so don't see the need the reader will hsve. It's why I recommend so strongly that you tell the story in the viewpoint of the protagonist. In that alley, what matters to him matters to the reader. What he notices is what he'll react to, and his internal reactions and contemplation are the mother of his actions. Unless the reader is privy to that, as him, his actions will lack context.
It's not an approach to writing that was mentioned in our school days because it's something only fiction-writers need to know, and in school they're giving us general purpose skills, like nonfiction writing skills that employers want us to have.
That's why we need to be aware of, and competent in using those tricks-of-the-trade if we hope to please readers raised on a steady diet of professionally written fiction.
I know this isn't what you were hoping to hear. Who would? But if you hope to please a reader used to an author using professional level skills, doesn't taking a bit of time and perhaps spending a few coins on acquiring the skills they expect of us—our writers education—make sense?
The knowledge you need easy enough to find and learn, though perfecting it is something else, which takes time, practice, and study to master—though that's true of any profession. And anyone who has achieved success in the field did it, so it's more a rite-of-passage than a disaster. The library's fiction writing section is a great resource. My suggestion, these days, is to take a look at James Scott Bell's, Elements of Fiction Writing.
Posted by T. K. Bounds (Member # 11228) on :
@Jay Greenstein
This is exciting. I'm getting in-depth feedback that focuses on big picture elements. I appreciate that.
I must quibble with you on your analysis not being 'what [I was] hoping to hear.' I always want to listen to or read constructive criticism. You've done that for me. Thank you.
A personal analogy would be my experience in the construction trade. You first learn the basics, then the subtleties, and if you care, you become more competent. I consider myself at the apprenticeship stage with writing.
[ October 01, 2019, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: T. K. Bounds ]
Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :
Does the first line connect with the rest? He is in agony. From what? Agony is mentioned and then dropped. Doesn't seem agonizing enough.
I'd suggest some movement. Most of this is static. You're reving your engine, but we're not in gear.
Posted by AK (Member # 10883) on :
I'm with those who want to know what the agony is from. Why is he in agony and why is it endless? Seems a bit melodramatic given the later description. Is he prone to melodrama? Might make for a nice narrative voice, depending on the rest of the story.
I'm curious to find out who or what he's waiting for. You did capture my interest there.
The contrast to Hawaii seems a bit late. It could just be me but comparisons to places I've enjoyed tend come to me as I go through the unpleasantness of a particular location (e.g. muggy Texas air makes me think of dry mountain air, etc.).
Also, I'm a little confused. It felt as if I were reading the beginning to a novel rather than a short story. Is this a short story?
If it's a short story, I'd be willing to read the whole thing if you want to send it.
Posted by T. K. Bounds (Member # 11228) on :
quote:Originally posted by AK: If it's a short story, I'd be willing to read the whole thing if you want to send it.
AK, the piece is for a short story. Currently @ 5k+ words and it looks like I have maybe 2k more to write. I appreciate the offer. I'll send you a beta of the manuscript when I complete it.
Posted by AK (Member # 10883) on :
quote:Originally posted by T. K. Bounds:
quote:Originally posted by AK: If it's a short story, I'd be willing to read the whole thing if you want to send it.
AK, the piece is for a short story. Currently @ 5k+ words and it looks like I have maybe 2k more to write. I appreciate the offer. I'll send you a beta of the manuscript when I complete it.