Orin looks up from watching his daughter, Anne running ten yards ahead, his son, Ed is further up, and not in sight having dropped into a dip in the road. Orin looks forward to the dip even knowing it is the last downhill he will see before the long climb to the finish line at Whitney Portal. Well, he thinks, it is only another five miles all uphill. “Ha,” he says aloud thinking of the permit his wife has for him and working the math in his head. He still has to summit Whitney and return adding 20.8 miles to the official end of the 137-mile race. The number sounds impossible. 8,500 feet give or take, in under 15 miles. He looks at his GPS tracker, he’s been running for 34 hours and 17
Or, should I start here:
“Momma, may I have a glass of water?” Cyndi rolls over in bed, “hmm?” “Mamma,” her voice more insistent, “can I have a glass of water?” Cyndi’s eyes open as she reaches for the light switch. “Momma,” the voice is now tinged with anger. Click. The first scream woke most of the camp. By the third scream, everyone was awake. *** Orin looks up from watching his daughter, Anne running ten yards ahead, his son, Ed is further up, and not in sight having dropped into a dip in the road. Orin looks forward to the dip even knowing
[ April 28, 2018, 03:06 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]
Posted by John B (Member # 10904) on :
The second one confused me a bit... no doubt it will be made clear later, but I like the first approach better, getting a bit inside of Orin's thoughts a bit.
He's certainly deep in contemplation! I wonder, since he's doing all this cogitating whilst running, if somehow working the rhythm of his stride into his thoughts, describe intermittently the workings of his body with the workings of his mind, to give a more visceral sense of the run while you narrate his thoughts? For a man who has been running for over a day (is this some sort of super-marathon or something? I didn't even know people could run that long!), he seems very matter-of-fact in his thinking.
Now, I am not a runner, but maybe someone doing an ultramarathon DOES gain a sort of meditative detachment after running for hours? If so, it would be neat to contrast the incessant pounding of the feet and a body pushed to its limits with Orin's serenely analytical mind, to draw attention to the dichotomy between extreme physical effort and his mental calm.
Just a thought! I hope Orin goes the distance!
Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :
An individual athlete competitor reflects about a race while a participant in the Badwater Ultramarathon.
A 135-mile footrace, by the way.
Also, both fragments are well over thirteen lines.
The second version, such as it is, works for me more than the first, due to it holds out a stronger promise of dramatic personal complication and conflict. The prelude section intimates those facets though is an incomplete dramatic unit, sans anything more than an ambiguous and contentious conversation and a melodramatic teaser.
Neither works for me, however, due to internal and external complication and conflict development shortfalls. The most grueling footrace known, yet a generic contest portrayal otherwise. And the working title implies the narrative is about events unconnected to the fragments and the footrace on their surfaces.
The Long Walk, Richard Bachman, pseudonym of Stephen King, 1979, is a model of how a narrative portrays an otherwise generic athletic event and a full and true, authentic personal drama.
I would not read further.
Posted by Gregg L (Member # 9970) on :
Orin is running the Badwater Run. It starts in Badwater, in Death Valley, CA in July. The altitude is -282 feet and it ends at Whitney Portal, Alt 8,300 feet. It is a race I have no interest in running, though I have run a few half marathons.
The screams are the first hint something is wrong after the end of the official race. And though Orin is still running it will play a huge part in rest of his life.
Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :
The dialog was interesting. You lost me with the marathon, both versions.
Reads more like a script, where moving between scenes, happen quickly because you're getting a lot of visual info.
To me, there was no connection between the two fragments and threw me out of caring, but the dialog was the stronger of the two.
W.
Posted by Jay Greenstein (Member # 10615) on :
All versions you include are presented as a chronicle of events reported by a dispassionate external voice. History, not story.
You give thoughts for the purpose of informing the reader, not as part of the protagonist's decision making—which makes them plot devices, not living characters responding to the situation.
Story happens, it's not reported. And it's emotion, not fact-based. Reporting is author-centric, but you want to be character-centric to involve the reader, who is seeking to be entertained, not just informed.
So instead of talking to the reader invite them in. Make the protagonist their avatar not just the focus of the storyteller's attention. Make them know what the protagonist perceives as his/her options, and privy to the decision-making that results in action, so they develop an emotional stake in the result of that action.
It's a different approach from the "let me tell you about what happened" style you're presently using, but it's one that can make the reader want to turn the pages.
Posted by Gregg L (Member # 9970) on :
Thanks, walexander, I see your confusion... I think. Is your confusion involving Orin's plan to run to the summit of Whitney even though that is not part of the race?
If so, how does this read now?
Orin looks up from watching his daughter, Anne running ten yards ahead, his son, Ed is further up, and not in sight having dropped into a dip in the road. Orin looks forward to the dip even knowing it is the last downhill he will see before the long climb to the finish line at Whitney Portal. Well, he thinks, it is only another five miles all uphill. “Ha,” he says aloud thinking of the permit his wife has for him and working the math in his head. He still has to summit Whitney and return adding another 20.8 miles after the official end of the 137-mile race. The number sounds impossible. 8,500 feet give or take, in under 15 miles. He looks at his GPS tracker, he’s been running for 34 hours and 17 minutes. The road is cooler here making running easier, but the climb more
[ April 28, 2018, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]
Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :
quote: He looks at his GPS tracker, he’s been running for 34 hours and 17 minutes.
What Jay is meaning can be pointed out with this sentence.
It could be better written as- ------
Exhaustion came up hard alongside and started to pull ahead. How long had it been drafting him? A glance to the GPS tracker: 34h, 17m, 31s-32s-33s-34s-
Can't--let it--overtake me--must--dig deeper--one foot--in front of the other--that's how it's done.
The world around disappeared. He was running down the sidelines shouting encouragement to his son and daughter, lost in the moment, trying not to favor one over the other. So proud of both of them.
The mirage vanished, leaving only the scorching heat.
-------13 lines
Just a very cheap example of show, don't tell, based on your concept. Keep working away at it. The words will come. Try and give the reader more credit as to understanding what is happening.
W.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Actually, walexander, I don't count the empty lines in the 13. So it is really only 10 lines (FYI).
Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :
Got it, KDW,
I was just formatting as when they ask for no ident, space between paragraphs.
But yes, it would be 10 by standard format, thank you, thus, the words, "very cheap example"
But I will add since I have the room . . .
-------
And he lived happily-ever-after.
The End.
No really, it's the end.
--------
W.
Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :
One noticeable difference between the originals and walexander's demonstration is the matter of extra lens filters. walexander's doesn't add filters. Extra filters are a dead giveaway of tell.
"Orin looks up from watching his daughter"
Orin tells narrator to tell writer to tell reader Orin's action. Three filters: blurs the action.
Though off the cuff, this of walexander's is no one tells anyone a thing, no filters at all, is a thought and is show. Rather, this is Orin's received reflection readers are given to personally and immediately, firsthand experience along with Orin.
//Exhaustion came up hard alongside and started to pull ahead.//
And walexander's dynamic voice's simple past tense verbs, prose's metaphoric present tense. The originals' abundant present progressive verbs, -ing verbs, are static voice: stasis state of being of an indeterminate and indefinite time span.
"Begin fallacy. Describing action that is introduced to the reader for the first time by saying that so-and-so 'began to' <verb>. Eliminating the 'began to' almost always strengthens the text. A detail of Style."
"Reality is filtered through an extra lens. Instead of saying 'rain poured down' the author writes 'I felt the rain pour down'. A story always has one filter — author telling reader — and good authors generally try to make the author as unobtrusive as possible. Adding this second filter — author telling character to tell reader — is not only uneconomical, it is also often intrusive.
"Feeling trapped into the restriction that all information must come to the point-of-view [viewpoint] character, with the result that characters often rush onstage to tell the point-of-view [viewpoint] character something. This is even worse than the first problem, because now we have a third filter: character telling character telling author telling reader.
"Confusion between the perception of the author, the narrator (if any), and the POV [viewpoint] character. See Author Surrogate."
Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :
I like that article E.
Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :
Outstanding! Alas, the Glossary provides little guidance detail about the human-condition satire function for and of prose.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
quote:Originally posted by walexander: -------
And he lived happily-ever-after.
The End.
No really, it's the end.
--------
W.
What I tell people when they want to know how it ends:
quote:Everybody dies.
Can't get more "end" than that.
Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :
It was kind of depressing looking over whats out by new SFWA members. Some of it seems really shoddy.
I noticed SFWA gave an easier way in now, by allowing anyone who's made money self-publishing a doorway. So anyone with a social media following and/or large family and friends list can qualify for SFWA membership?
I read a few samples of new members novels and was highly disappointed.
Please don't tell me SFWA has become a pay to play organization. Whatever happened to hard work and great writing pays off?
I'm hoping the 2017 Nebula award nominees list will lead me to a few good books. I'm crossing my fingers.
W.
Posted by Gregg L (Member # 9970) on :
Thanks all. Jay's post explains it best. I responded in defense instead of learning
Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :
SFWA has encountered increased irrelevance due to Digital Age fallout, and consequent support decline. Membership enrollment pressures and responses further support bases yet erode the principles upon which the association founded. The recent slates squabble also harmed the association and its prestigious reputation.
Stronger or diminished literature culture quality due to recent SFWA influences is open to interpretation. I believe little of note has changed since long before SFWA or science fiction's origins otherwise. Several culture and technology innovations, though, contributed notable influences to prose culture: industrialized mass-production publication, electronic publication, and corporate agglomeration culture, some for the benefits of the common good, some for detriments to the common good. SFWA has yet to fully grasp and responsibly respond to any of the former's manifold culture effects. No part of publication culture has yet.
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)