Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Short, SF, Tentatively Titled "Retribution"

This is topic Short, SF, Tentatively Titled "Retribution" in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=004571

Posted by LewisC (Member # 9973) on :

This is the first I am posting here. It is complete and I am editing it. I am looking for feedback on the first 13 and once I am finished with the editing, possibly feedback on the entire story. Currently the story is less than 1100 words.

This is 13 lines as shown in ms-word. Is that right?
********************************************************
They come for me. I am innocent. I am John-29754-B.

I am 5’9”. I weigh almost 75 kilos. My hair is light brown, my are eyes hazel. This is important. Except for the Host, we are all named John. We are all 5’9”, all weigh almost 75 kilos. We all have light brown hair and hazel eyes. We all live in the white.

There are never more than 131 Johns. On Birth Day the John-A of 43 years goes to Celebration. John-29754-A has already graduated to Celebration. On Retribution Day, John-B and John-C go to Celebration. Today is Retribution Day. The other brothers should know that Celebration is death.

Once a year, very small, new brothers are brought to us. They sleep in the small room which has three small beds. They are fed

[ November 16, 2012, 02:39 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

quote:
Originally posted by LewisC:
This is 13 lines as shown in ms-word. Is that right?

Please go to this topic to see how we tell if we're posting 13 lines.

Posted by LewisC (Member # 9973) on :

Thanks Kathleen. I was close. Sort of. ;-)

That's about 9 lines in word but I knew it looked like more than was showing in the other posts here. I'll use the guidelines in the link you provided next time.

LewisC

Posted by GhostWriter (Member # 9963) on :

0.0... Ohhhhh moderator.... better watch out [Wink]

. Na these things take some getting used to (I am by no means used to them... its a work in progress.) Now if my headphone cord would stop jumping onto my keyboard, we shall get down to business.

To me, the first sentence is a bit awkward. Start off with saying "I am John-29754-B. I am innocent, but they are coming for me." Or something along those lines. It sounds less sporadic. Nevertheless, it is still a GREAT way to start off.

I hope you have all these guy's names written down. That is quite a can-o-worms you have there. Props for taking that on.

I can see where you are going with the factual statements in the second paragraph, but I feel that it doesn't flow very well. I think that you need to end on a more climatic ending. Any time you say facts, you expect something unexpected at the end. (weird right?) EX End with the phrase "except for the Host, we are all named John." That part get me VERY interested.

I would mix up sentence length in the third paragraph. You used this same technique in the last two paragraphs, but I see that it would work better if you started using a mixture of sentence length.

Two things that I noticed overall. The main character seems uninteresting to me. I don't know how he feels or what he is thinking, thus leading me to be unsympathetic to his crisis. It helps if you describe things, situations, areas, in a tinted light of your characters disposition. (If that makes any sense.) and second was the same sentence length throughout (but I mentioned that already.)

Thanks for posting Lewis! Good luck and may your pages be ever full!