Hatrack River Writers Workshop: 13 lines

This is topic 13 lines - Great Adventurer in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by joeyvegas (Member # 9577) on :

My first post. 13 lines from a short story I've completed. They weren't written as a unit, so the 2nd part is the beginning of a paragraph. I'm working on revisions of the whole thing if anyone is interested in the rest. Thanks.

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The surrounding whispers never broke the walls of this house. Grass grew. Trees shuttered in the passing winds of several days. The trodden paths between town and wooden houses stirred with anticipation. Shadows drifted over Donovan Todd’s small home on the outskirts of town. Another day became another night. All of Holmes waited for Donovan to break the chaotic silence that had spanned the three days since his mother died. On this day, nothing would change at Donovan’s house.

Holmes is a small town with a small town mentality. No roads. No machines. The people of Holmes congregate for communication and cooperate to earn their living.

Posted by pidream (Member # 9544) on :

Let me start by saying- I like the feel of your beginning.
The surrounding whispers never broke the walls of this house.
1.Nice line! I think you need one word after ‘broke’ (down or through?), to add more punch to what is already is a hook for me.

Grass grew. Trees shuttered in the passing winds of several days.
2.Grass grew- steals the impact from your opening line- for me. Consider combining these two sentences- The grass and trees shuttered in, and maybe re-write the rest for clarity and flow.

The trodden paths between town and wooden houses stirred with anticipation.
3.Wordy and it doesn’t flow to me. Consider well-worn instead of ‘trodden’ and dropping ‘town and’.

Shadows drifted over Donovan Todd’s small home on the outskirts of town.
4.Did shadows literally drift over the house like overcast clouds? Consider- Shadows hung like clouds or something like that. And maybe drop ‘small’ because- for me- it just flows better without that one word.

Another day became another night.
5.Wordy. Redundant try re-phrasing.

All of Holmes waited for Donovan to break the chaotic silence that had spanned the three days since his mother died.
6.Wordy- Maybe The people of, citizens of Holmes. Chaotic and silence work against each other- I think. Consider- eerie, choking or wall of silence.
But maybe silence is the wrong word because in the first sentence you say- ‘The surrounding whispers’ and here you say silence. Bring us back to the first sentence. Instead of silence maybe- chaotic hum, murmurs, mumblings or chatter?
Consider dropping- ‘had spanned the three days’ and use something like- hung over the town since.

On this day, nothing would change at Donovan’s house.
7.Not sure where you’re going here. Try putting ‘But’ at the beginning of the sentence to draw out the tension.

Holmes is a small town with a small town mentality. No roads. No machines. The people of Holmes congregate for communication and cooperate to earn their living.
8.Wow, what happened? You had the tension building and then . . . the travelogue of small town wherever began to drone in my ears. Maybe what follows makes this drowning of the tension necessary, but it robs what came before of its power- for me. I think you could combine those four sentences one, but still not sure it works- for me.

Joeyvegas, I may have gone overboard with the suggestions, but it was because I really enjoyed the feel of where you were taking me and got into it. I believe there is a good story here that needs a little tweaking is all.

Keep at it.

Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

I pretty much agree with what pidream wrote except suggestion #2. Pidream is correct that "Grass grew," steals impact. I read that and thought, no duh! However, I like the rhythm that the short sentence helps to create. I would have a short sentence instead of combining anything, but I wouldn't have something quite so mundane as "Grass grew."

Posted by joeyvegas (Member # 9577) on :

Thanks for the tips. I made most of the changes you suggested. I like the short sentences. That's my writing style. I also feel like the descriptive second paragraph is necessary to set the scene. I introduce the town, the mother, the son and another character and then close the first chapter with a conversation that starts the son on his post-trauma journey. I want to relay the sadness and uncertainty before getting right to the action.

I'm also not sure adding 'through' to the first sentence doesn't hurt the flow.

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The surrounding whispers never broke through the walls of this house. Daylight faded. Trees shuttered in the passing winds of several days. The worn paths between wooden houses stirred with anticipation. Shadows hung like clouds over Donovan Todd’s home on the outskirts of town. The people of Holmes waited for Donovan to emerge from a depressive slumber that had spanned the three days since his mother died. On this day, nothing would change at Donovan’s house.

Holmes is a small town with a small town mentality. No roads. No machines. The people of Holmes congregate for communication and cooperate to earn their living.

Posted by pidream (Member # 9544) on :

Yeah! I like it. Keep it up.