Hatrack River Writers Workshop: My 13 Lines, "Doc Fleischmann"

This is topic My 13 Lines, "Doc Fleischmann" in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by H.G.Galt (Member # 9573) on :

If you asked any one of his patients, they'd probably tell you that the man always smelled of smoke. His consultations were croaks and made me think - in addition to cigarettes - that he probably preferred a gargle of Jack Daniels over that of Scope. And bandages never quite masked that fried-chicken smell; burnt flesh in truth. But the Family trusted him to know their many faces, and faces he knew well. He'd overseen the alteration of my own face nearly twenty times.

Posted by H.G.Galt (Member # 9573) on :

Could someone with administrator privileges move this to "Short Story Fragments" please?

Thank You

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

Done.

Posted by EVOC (Member # 9381) on :

The main problem with this for me is that it doesn't go anywhere. It is just description of this Dr. Good description, but it doesn't feel like it moves the story forward.

quote:
His consultations were croaks and made me think - in addition to cigarettes - that he probably preferred a gargle of Jack Daniels over that of Scope.

This sentence seems over complicated. First it talks of his consultations, then we are back on this Dr.'s smell.

Then the burnt flesh.... who's? The Doctor's? But I got the feeling reading it it was talking about the MC.

It is certainly well written and the description is good. Just (IMO) too much too early in the story.

Posted by pidream (Member # 9544) on :

If you asked any one of his patients, they'd probably tell you that the man always smelled of smoke.
1.Wordy- Maybe start with- His patients would probably. What kind of smoke? My immediate impression was brimstone.

His consultations were croaks and made me think - in addition to cigarettes - that he probably preferred a gargle of Jack Daniels over that of Scope.
2.Croaks is a little vague, for me. I had to think for a second that you meant talking. Maybe preceded by raspy, hoarse, throaty or harsh croaks might flow better. And scope, since he is a doctor caused me think stethoscope- picky right? Maybe Listerine or mouthwash?

And bandages never quite masked that fried-chicken smell; burnt flesh in truth.
3.Whose bandages and whose burnt flesh- the MC’s or the Doc’s? ‘burnt flesh in truth.’ got me thinking about the brimstone thing again- not sure why.

But the Family trusted him to know their many faces, and faces he knew well.
4.This got me intrigued. Finally a hint about what kind of Doc he is. Maybe instead of knew well- did well. Picky- I know but flows better for me.

He'd overseen the alteration of my own face nearly twenty times.
5.I am interested! We know what he does so instead of ‘my own face’- just mine. I think it gives it more impact.

The hook was not there right away. I kept thinking, and I am not sure why, this had something to do with the devil. The other thing that jumps out at me as I write this, is the doc seemed seedy and unkempt somehow, not the image a cosmetic surgeon would ever project to his ‘make me beautiful,’ clients. But the last two lines did move me forward and I wanted more.

Interesting! Good luck and thanks for letting us read it.

Posted by H.G.Galt (Member # 9573) on :

EVOC, thanks for the reading and giving of advice. I agree, that one sentence is too wordy. I'm going to look at it again and rewrite for clarity.

pidream, I thought your second and third points were especially helpful. It is interesting that you thought of brimstone. As for the Scope being rewritten as Listerine, I think that's a good idea. I'd not consdered stethoscope as being an option but I'm glad you noticed that.

Thanks for reading both of ya'll. Your criticism is appreciated.

-H.G.Galt

Posted by pdblake (Member # 9218) on :

I beg to differ with the other opinions here.

I think this gives a good description which puts a vivid picture in my mind. The hook comes with mention of the 'Family'. I'm immediately intrigued by who they are and just what the doctor does to their faces, and the narrator's.

I like it. Just can't see where it's going, which is not alwasy a bad thing.

[This message has been edited by pdblake (edited July 28, 2011).]

Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :

I hate to say it coming from me but while over all it's not bad it is wordy. The first two sentences could be redone better sounding. And I while consolations sounds medical, patents might be better, unless its a way of setting the time of the story. It makes it sound 1930ish. Come to think of it so does the line about the mouthwash. And I think that line while good is a bit too long.

Twenty times seems a lot for plastic surgery but it probably works for this story.

Oh, and one more thing you may not appreciate: I keep wondering if he is a doctor to butter.

[This message has been edited by LDWriter2 (edited July 30, 2011).]