The answers didn’t fit the questions.
The tip of the sharpened No. 2 pencil hovered over the row of blank circles but I couldn’t decide which one to darken. Flipping back the pages of the standardized test booklet, I scanned the rows of fine print and the pixely small black and white photos that reminded me of tiny somber Impressionist paintings that refused to come into focus. The answer sheet was very thin, deceptively fragile, but it was actually stiff to the touch, like a playing card. Its machine cut edges were precise and sharp as if purposefully designed to cut those who took up its challenge.
Around me, my classmates applied pencil to paper, blackening circles, the scree of their pencils sounding like scurrying rats.
Yours:
I want to say too much time is spent regarding the paper, but I get the impression the MC is either distracted or overwhelmed. Like the paper looms larger than life, so knowing the time is spent with the paper with intention, I'm cool.
I think we can all associate with not only taking a scan-tron test, but how rough it is when one doesn't know the answers.
I don't know where the story is going, i.e. the plot, but for a flash piece I'm fine with just letting the words unfold.
Thus, the words cause me no issue. They read smoothly.
Only two tiny nits.
"The tip of the" Maybe say "my" instead of the 2nd "the" to introduce the character and POV. I realize the "I couldn't decide" does that a little later in the sentence, but this early in the story "the tip of the pencil" gave me a slightly disembodied feeling.
Oh, and you have a "cut" echo. Keep the first one, synonym the second one. Give me something more visceral to reinforce how the MC feels at that moment. The first cut is diagnostic, the 2nd one is emotional.
Axe
p.s. scree is an awesome word.
I dig your opening line.
I think you could tighten up the middle sentences a tad, as I began wiggle in my seat a little at their length, but I want to know more. Maybe insert MC feeling between the two, but wordy or not I enjoyed it
Yes, scree a very cool word.
I'll throw in my 2-pence (and good luck with the too-long WOTF piece, I tend to write long as well).
Overall, nicely written, though I'd advise getting out the adverb/adjective chainsaw out.
quote:
The answers didn’t fit the questions.
This prompts in my head the question: Which question and which answers? I suspect this is one of those 'show, don't tell moments'. What I mean is, the concept of an entire test where the answers seem to have no relation to the questions being asked is a neat idea, but to make it 'hooky', I'd suggest showing, perhaps by writing a question out on the page, maybe as internal dialog of the MC, followed by the nonsensical answers. Thus the reader would wonder what the heck kind of test is this, rather than being told that the MC is wondering what the heck kind of test is this.
quote:
pixely small black and white photos
May I suggest cutting either pixely or small but not using both as a means to improve sentence flow here?
quote:
Its machine cut edges were precise and sharp as if purposefully designed to cut those who took up its challenge.
This is my favorite sentence in the scene. It lends menace to something simple like an answer sheet. I actually do like the second use of the word 'cut' because of the portion of the sentence I highlighted in bold. This has more to do with the music of the sentence rather than the meaning.
Certain letters of the alphabet have hard sounds to them, and 't' is one of those letters (there is a term for letters with this effect, but I forget it). So the pairing of 'cut' and 'took' really carry this sentence. So here, the repetition didn't bother me. Even though you didn't hyphenate "machine cut", I read it as such, which then tweaked the way the word sounded in my mind's voice, making the repetition less problematic for me.
So, IMHO, you could either hyphenate, 'machine-cut', or change the first use of 'cut' here, perhaps just using 'machined' or 'machine-fine'. I'm sure you can do better.
quote:
the scree of their pencils sounding like scurrying rats.
I agree, scree is a nice verb. It also illustrates the above point, with the word's scree and scurrying playing off each others first syllables to make a musical sentence.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited July 26, 2011).]