There is something wrong about the approaching rider. It's not anything I can see, but rather what I feel from him; something fragile like a long abandoned barn, creaking and swaying with each gust of wind. He’s all snarled up inside. His horse labors up the steep rocky slope losing its footing and snorting in frustration. The rider digs his rust-colored spurs deep into its flanks, and the beast lurches forward. I feel the man's delight with each gasp and spasm of pain from his struggling mount.
I watch this through the eyes of a field mouse I’ve been playing in all afternoon. As the stranger passes my hiding place in the brush, his eyes wander from the road ahead and for the briefest of moments seem to lock on mine. Did he see me? In that instant, my attention wanders and my grip on the creatures

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 28, 2011).]
 

But it's not quite right. Part of it might be no contractions. Try "There's something wrong" Or shorten that whole section and start with "The approaching rider felt wrong". Or "I felt something wrong about the approaching rider".

Not sure if you need the "He is all snarled up inside" . I can see why you want it but it's kinda redundant with the previous sentence.

I said no contractions but there might be one. On my screen it reads live but it could be I've. Sometimes the formatting changes things around here. I've makes more sense with "been playing in" .

And try for a brief moment instead of the briefest of moments.

I'm sure other hatrackers will suggest other changes, or explain things better but I think basically it is good. It just needs some tweaking.
 

quote:

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There is something wrong about the approaching rider. It's not anything I can see, but rather what I feel from him;

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quote:

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I sense something wrong about the rider;

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[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited June 28, 2011).]
 

Many thanks
 

Though I was only mildly interested until the line about the field mouse, at which point I perked right up. So shortening and simplifying some of those earlier sentences as the previous commentors have mentioned would definitely be beneficial. Also, starting with "I felt" or some such plunges us *immediately* into the MC's mind, moreso than the current configuration. I also want to see more from the MC than just an analysis of what's going down--I get frustration from the horse, sadism from the rider . . . but nothing from the MC him/herself. Including, come to think of it, gender. :P So there're some things to consider.

But I do just love the way you've eased the reader into your world, just slipping in the fact that you've been "playing in" a field mouse all afternoon . . . Nicely done. Made me smile.
 

There’s something wrong with the approaching rider. It's not anything I see, but feel; something fragile like a long abandoned barn, creaking and swaying dangerously with each gust of wind. He’s all snarled up inside. His horse labors up the steep rocky slope losing its footing and snorting in frustration. The rider digs his rust-colored spurs deep into its flanks, and the beast lurches forward. I feel the man's delight with each gasp and spasm of pain from his struggling mount.
I watch wearily through the eyes of a field mouse I’ve been playing in all afternoon. As the stranger passes my hiding place in the brush, his eyes wander from the road ahead and for the briefest of moments seem to lock on mine. Did he see me? In that instant, my attention wanders and my grip on the creatures mind loosens.

 

The second sentence is too long. The one about the horse seems almost out of place... like it needs a paragraph or some connecter to the previous sentence. And even though not bad I feel that it could be done better but I'm not sure how.

Oh, you have a couple -ly words which supposedly editors don't like.

And to where it might sell. It sounds like a form of Fantasy, could be SF if they use mental powers, so I would say send it wherever that normally takes the type of story it is. I've read stories set in historical time periods and locations. I think Asimov had an on going series of stories set in Ancient Rome. But that would be SF.

There are markets that take every form of fantasy, if it is that.

[This message has been edited by LDWriter2 (edited July 03, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by LDWriter2 (edited July 03, 2011).]
 

If it's fantasy, all sorts of places. Genre usually trumps setting.

But by the 1850s, California is part of the USA (unless you are referring to Baja California - and given the field mouse, I doubt you are).
 

The second is tighter, but, I'm not opposed to contradiction. A little juxtaposition goes a long way.

Tchern is dead-on about the marketplace. Genre is what you're selling, not time period.

I'd say go to Duotrope or Ralan, and search out the markets you'd like to sell to. As long as it's an all ages story, I wouldn't leave out WotF.