Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Sliver of Life

This is topic Sliver of Life in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Lima lay on the back of the gently shifting jellyfish as it drifted with the tide across the Capulin Straits and watched the constellations twinkling above. The edge of jellyfish slid below the surface for a moment and water lapped at her clothes.
Lima flopped her head to one side and tapped her temple. Don't sink, my friend--let's drift on the surface a while longer.
The tiny green light on the spike she'd driven deep into the jellyfish flickered as it relayed the command to the primitive nervous system of the alien creature. It bobbed up again.
Lima reached into her pouch and pulled out ten small black spheres. She cast them into the night sky and they disappeared with barely a hum.
Two miles to the target. She pulled out her knife and checked its nanoics.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 30, 2011).]

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

My concern is rather minor. I do not know who is the alien.

The term 'jellyfish' is what is throwing me off. It is unique to Earth (well you can say all life is unique to Earth). So this is making me believe Lima is the alien, on Earth, and that she must be small to be riding a jellyfish. But it could be she is the human and the jellyfish is a native lifeform on another planet.

This is so silly because trying to figure this out is keeping me from falling into this. You could distinquish (if they are on an alien planet) that the jellyfish is not an earth jellyfish.

Or you could just ignore me

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

I do get your point. I figured it was like a jellyfish, so I should call it a jellyfish. Perhaps I should call it something else--a drifter-gel or something.

But as to your point, the woman is human-sized and the jellyfish is huge/alien, as is the world they are on...

[

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 30, 2011).]

Posted by JHam (Member # 9518) on :

I may be weird but I didn't get that. I pictured a giant jelly fish with a woman lying on top of it as it drifted along. I thought it really drew your attention and was a good hook.

Where was she that had such large jelly fish?

What was the thing she had stuck in the creatures head, did it control it or was it just a means of communication?

Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :

Well, I went with a small pixie type woman on a jellyfish. And yes it did give me concern. Strange how that can happen.

Other than that, skadder I can't find much to pick at, very solid.

Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :

I like this and see very little wrong with it.

I had no problem picturing a giant jelly with an Earth-type human riding on it. The beginning raises lots of questions that I would look forward to having answered as the story progresses. The main one that comes to mind would be is this a future Earth or some other planet? I would expect an ansswer to this fairly quickly on the next page or two. And if the woman is human or something else.

Posted by Ethereon (Member # 9133) on :

I also wondered if the alien was a)the woman b)the Jellyfish or c) a living liason that allowed the woman to control the Jellyfish.

I think the term Jellyfish gives a much better and more immediate picture than an invented name like gel-drifter. Perhaps you could still use Jellyfish, but indicate in a different way that it's not an earth life form. Like "(planet name)-ian" Jellyfish or say that it was immense like everything else on this planet etc etc. (just random examples)

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Thanks!

Posted by EVOC (Member # 9381) on :

I would keep jelly fish. I got the image of a small pixie. I think there is no reason to change it because I am sure things clear up quickly.

I think the mental image the reader has of the MC and the jelly fish is a little irrelevant this early on.

Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :

I dig it although I felt like I ran out of mental breath reading the opening sentence. I usually like a short one to start, so I can get my bearings.

Also, there was some confusion about who was watching the constellations. Lima or the Jellyfish?

Seems like you could just say "giant jellyfish" in the opening and just "jellyfish" later on.

[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited June 10, 2011).]

Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :

quote:
Lima lay on the back of the gently shifting jellyfish as it drifted with the tide across the Capulin Straits and watched the constellations twinkling above.

My issue is it sounds like the jelly fish is watching the constellations. I'd suggest changing the order of the information, so Lima watched the constellations twinkling above as she lay on the back of the...

From there on though the story is active and interesting.

I like it.
~Sheena

Posted by Josephine Kait (Member # 8157) on :

This is intriguing.

Upon first read I had the same odd assumption that she was either a pixie or just Thumbelina small. But the great thing about that is that once I realized that she was on an alien world I got this sense of a mortal entering the fairy world. I know this is SF, but I found the overlap of themes to be a kind of beautiful juxtaposition.

I would definitely keep reading, and I would be happy to crit this one for you if you like.

-Jo