[This message has been edited by Arnen123 (edited March 15, 2011).]
Please read "How to tell if it's exactly 13 lines" to see how we do it.
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I have to honestly say that this opening makes no real sense to me. I have no real idea of what's going on. She's stranded right, and hallucinating, but what's with the sea. It's a very confusing beginning.
Problems with the first sentence:
They are weak enough to walk after her, so they are not to weak to do anything but die.
Why are the coyotes cold, still don't understand that, are we not in the desert, if so you should let us know, because the implication of the thirst, plus the coyotes themselves conjure up clear desert imagery in my head.
The use of in the wildnerness is awkward if the setting is a desert, if it's not maybe that makes some more sense, but where are we I'm still no clear.
I get the impression that if Hersillia is really weak she wouldn't be moving. I'm not clear on where she is or what she's doing, so I assume she's not moving, if she's hallucinating. Thus I don't understand how the coyotes could pad after her if she's still.
Not them, but mango nectar dominated her thoughts. Sweet in childhood, even ((it would be even sweeter now, correct, she doesn't have any currently)) sweeter, ((no comma here)) now, if only she could have a drink.
Their ((Who is their???)) shuttle had soared over mesas ((so we are in the deserts? Why are the coyotes cold???)) and crashed in the belly of death. The pilot had been killed, instantly, all their water consumed in the flames.
Morning came(( did they crash at night, make this clear. if it's night from the beginning make that clear too, that will make the cold coyotes make sense.)) and, with it, the killing sun. Heat sick, she began to hallucinate. Fresh juice visions. ((this fragment is kind of silly, why not just make it part of the previous sentnece.)) Arid rock became orange waves, dust storms a sour breeze. ((try to have parallelism, either arid rock became an organge wave, dust storms a sour breeze, or orange waves and sour breezes.)) Sun brown lizards, like wooden coracles, floated the ((in the?)) current while desert
demons comforted her with lies. ((Why would lies comfort her?))
She felt herself, melted, and one with the citric sea. ((Do you want to say she felt her self melt, or she felt herself, action one, and melted and became one with the citric sea.)) Eventually, the sun took her up like
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Better. Okay to be fair though this is still pretty incomprehensible from the readers point of view. I don't have clear facts of where we are from the beginning. I think we're in the desert, but we're cold. The writing itself is a little hard to wade through still. That said the tone you have is beautiful and I think with a little clarity you're images could be great. I see potential here, I can almost taste the juices and the citric feeling of the desert you have is really nice. And I think a little confusion in the second half of the intro would not be entirely uncalled for since Hersilla is hallucinating, but I think before that happens we need to clarify the who, where and what a little first. Establish we're in a desert, at a crash site and at nice and then dissolve the reality you've created a little. Don't dissolve it before we even know what it is.