SYNOPSIS
The locals blame Jessie's father, Erve Blackstone, for her disappearance, for the man is a bitter, reclusive widower who seems all too happy to be rid of the girl. But local authorities are after Ed Harris, a strange old codger who makes residence around their small town of Verdi, Nevada, parking his dilapidated camper here and there at nightfall. Sherriff Johansen found Jessie’s bloodied slipper stowed away in the old man’s camper, though he insisted he had no idea how it got there. Abbot’s friends are convinced that the Camper Man killed the poor girl and ditched her body in the Truckee River.
As for Abbot, he had seen something wonderful and terrible on that October night under a half moon when Jessie disappeared. Abbot tells nobody. It would never be believed, though it was as real as the sun, real enough to have driven all doubt about magic from the very marrow of his bones. But it was not the kind of magic that drives wonder into a child’s heart or returns echoes of a lost childhood to a disbelieving adult. It was a dark and black magic, something wicked and undiscerning enough to have driven the terrified young Jessie not just to the shallow depths of the narrow spring behind his home, but deeper, down into a sub-world from which she might never escape.
OPENING HOOK
So here is the opening para for which I would really appreciate some feedback:
There really is no such thing as magic and anyone telling you otherwise is only trying to sell you something. No, there are better things on which to spend your money and to hang your dreams, like fishing the Truckee River or sipping ice-cold water from a natural spring. At least that is what the clever boy, Abbot, would have told you the day before the night of October twenty-first, 1975. The weeks that followed found him obsessed with finding someone or something called Black Magic—his words—whom he later claimed had, with smoldering tendrils, dragged the helpless girl drowning down, down into the guts of the damp metallic earth. Abbot had witnessed the way in. He reasoned that he could learn his way out, thus bringing Jessie home again. He wasn’t entirely wrong.
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Thoughts? Criticisms? Suggestions?
Thank you!
Derek
Opener makes me want to read more but sentence
"dragged the helpless girl drowning down, down into the guts of the damp metallic earth" is kinda awkward.
[No,]-I'd cut this. there are better things [on which to spend your money]-awkward, how about just "to spend your money on" and to hang your dreams on, like fishing the Truckee River or sipping ice-cold water from a natural spring.
At least that is what the clever boy, Abbot, would have told you the day before the night of October twenty-first, 1975. The weeks that followed found him obsessed with finding someone or [something]-considering you follow this up with a "whom" this should probably be "someone", or change the "whom" to "which" called Black Magic—his words—
whom he later claimed had, with smoldering tendrils, dragged the helpless girl drowning down, down into the guts of the damp metallic earth.This is kind of a mess of commas and awkwardness. I think you could make this simpler and clearer. Is she drowning before getting dragged down? I don't know what you mean by "metallic".
Abbot had witnessed the way in. He reasoned that he could learn his way out, thus bringing Jessie home again. He wasn’t entirely wrong.This is super cryptic, which is fine if the reader is already hooked, but I was put off by the confusion. Maybe just say specifically what he witnessed the way into?
I think you have something of a hook if the reader likes tendriled magical creatures dragging damsels underground, but the whole thing reads like a summary. Do you jump back in time right after this section? Did you start this story in the right place?
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited March 04, 2011).]
That being said your opening read like an info dump to me. I wasn't hooked. Sorry.
I enjoyed your style, partially because I am a fan of big, tentacled monster things.
Last sentences:
Abbot had witnessed the way in. He reasoned that he could learn his way out, thus bringing Jessie home again. He wasn’t entirely wrong.
I was moving pretty smoothly with your line of thought and these sentences hit me like a roadblock. Can you spread this thought out a little bit or make it more poignant and to the point?
Arnen123: Looks like a few others struggled with elements of this line as well.
Reziac: Perhaps you're right about adjusting the tempo a bit...I wasn't going for cowpoke, but your experience in reading it that way is interesting to me.
alliedfive: Thank you for all of the specific comments; I really appreciate the detail of your comments. I've implemented several of them and found a cleaner para with fewer "speed bumps". Thank you!
snapper: Good point about skipping the synopsis...I'll remember that the next go-around. Would you mind telling me what elements of the para feel like an info dump? If that's true, I'm wondering how a direct narrator might introduce a tale without letting it feel like an info glut? Perhaps showing more than telling in the opening would be stronger? Thanks!
MAC13: Good point. If my hook is vague, then it's really not a hook. I like your suggestion to make it more to the point. I'll work that line some more...thank you!
[This message has been edited by UncleDerek (edited March 05, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by UncleDerek (edited March 05, 2011).]
[Comments and Suggestions]
quote:
There really is no such thing as magic and anyone telling you otherwise is only trying to sell you something.[This is an ethereal opening, which would be fine if immediately followed by story] No, there are better things on which to spend your money and to hang your dreams, like fishing the Truckee River or sipping ice-cold water from a natural spring. At least that is what the clever boy, Abbot, would have told you the day before the night of October twenty-first, 1975. [This section is overly wordy - you can say the same thing with much fewer words. Also, you introduce character and partial setting, but not viewpoint (Unless terribly conceited, a close 3rd POV would not describe the MC as "clever"] The weeks that followed found him obsessed with finding someone or something called Black Magic—his words—whom he later claimed had, with smoldering tendrils, dragged the helpless girl drowning down, down into the guts of the damp metallic earth. Abbot had witnessed the way in. He reasoned that he could learn his way out, thus bringing Jessie home again. He wasn’t entirely wrong. [This section is the infodump snapper referred to and the summary alliedfive identified - if this is your story, then don't blow your...well, just don't tell it all up front - a story is like a slow bake or cooking in a crockpot, not blasting something with microwave radiation]
The best thing you could do is review some of the other 13-line posts in this forum and read the comments.
quote:
snapper: Good point about skipping the synopsis...I'll remember that the next go-around.
No reason for you to stop doing that. In fact Kathleen encourages it. Some of the hatrackers would prefer to know more about your piece so they can form a better opinion on how your opening should look.
quote:
Would you mind telling me what elements of the para feel like an info dump? If that's true, I'm wondering how a direct narrator might introduce a tale without letting it feel like an info glut? Perhaps showing more than telling in the opening would be stronger? Thanks!
I will do my best.
Showing is almost always preferable than telling. For me to show why it seems info-dumpish I'll need to devide it up.
quote:
There really is no such thing as magic and anyone telling you otherwise is only trying to sell you something. No, there are better things on which to spend your money and to hang your dreams, like fishing the Truckee River or sipping ice-cold water from a natural spring.
This isn't all that bad. Could use some work. For example...
anyone telling you otherwise is only trying to sell you something
...could be a bit more clever. Think of what would be a good something...
anyone telling you otherwise likely sells shares of the Brooklyn Bridge as his day job
The second sentence is an atmosphere settter...
No, there are better things on which to spend your money and to hang your dreams, like fishing the Truckee River or sipping ice-cold water from a natural spring.
...and the atmosphere is dull. Sounds like a great life, if your 10 years into collecting your pension. The dullness in itself gives this an info-dumpish feel, but it's what comes next is a history lesson of what has come before.
quote:
At least that is what the clever boy, Abbot, would have told you the day before the night of October twenty-first, 1975. The weeks that followed found him obsessed with finding someone or something called Black Magic—his words—whom he later claimed had, with smoldering tendrils, dragged the helpless girl drowning down, down into the guts of the damp metallic earth. Abbot had witnessed the way in. He reasoned that he could learn his way out, thus bringing Jessie home again. He wasn’t entirely wrong.
First, the two sentences prior read like a first person perspective than it switches to a third person here. You'll need to fix that.
Second, you gave us a date, a suspect, and a cliff note version of what sounds like a police report summary.
Whether you go with a 1st or 3rd person narrative, make it more interactive. Why not open with this horrific encounter? Or have Abbot revealing what happened to either another character or as inner dialog as he avoids revealing what happened after 10/25/75.
Start there. A major revision but this 13 lines is not inspiring me to read on at all.
Hope this helps!
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited March 06, 2011).]
This bothers me. I would leave out "the clever boy" and let your readers find this out about Abbot for themselves. The continuation of the story should bring this out without telling the readers that Abbot is a clever boy. JMHO 