Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Envy and Ashes

This is topic Envy and Ashes in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by J. N. Khoury (Member # 9361) on :

I just finished this fantasy short story of 2600 words. I'm posting the first 13 lines, but would appreciate FB on the full thing (its really not very long) as its my first short piece and I have no idea whether its worth even sending to magazines. Thanks!

ENVY AND ASHES

He found her lying half-buried in chalk-white ash. She might have been a porcelain doll abandoned in a snow drift, the way the roses blossomed in her cheeks and her curls spread in a black tangle across the whiteness. Even in her dying moments, she was the most beautiful creature he could imagine.

“Mortimer,” she whispered. Her eyes rolled unsteadily until they found his face. They focused on his eyes like twin arrows fixed on their targets. Sharp eyes. Discerning eyes. Deadly eyes.

“Evienne.” He sank into the ashes beside her, his shoulders hunched beneath the weight of his weariness. Hugging his sword to his cheek, he turned red-rimmed eyes on the city below.

The fire had devoured everything. The city now choked on its

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 04, 2011).]

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

Not sure where this is going, but I would read further to find out. A dying woman and a burned out city are a good start - unless the story will now be a long flashback to tell us how it happened.
You paint a picture well, but I would consider shortening the time it takes to describe her eyes; try

quote:
“Mortimer,” she whispered. Her eyes rolled unsteadily until they focused on his. Sharp eyes. Discerning eyes. Deadly eyes.

Also - are his eyes red-rimmed from crying, or because of the smoke?

I'll be happy to read it if you want to send it to me.

Posted by Osiris (Member # 9196) on :

Hi,

The first line is evocative and makes me want to read on. A couple of lines did give me pause:

quote:
the way the roses blossomed in her cheeks

I couldn't help but think of an actual rose bush growing out of her face. I know what you meant here, but maybe you could say something like 'a rose hue blossomed'.

quote:
Her eyes rolled unsteadily until they found his face

Kind of the same thing here... I pictured her eyeballs rolling around until they came to a stop on Mortimer's face. I think you can remedy this by replacing 'eyes rolled' with 'gaze shifted'. The word gaze takes away the emphasis from the physical body part and places it on the character herself.

Also:

quote:
Sharp eyes. Discerning eyes. Deadly eyes.

There are six instances of the word 'eyes' here, and it does get a bit repetitive. Perhaps it would sound better as 'sharp, discerning, deadly eyes.'

Posted by Spader (Member # 9355) on :

Hey, I really like the way you began this story, pretty interesting. The only thing that caught my eye was that I thought the line: "She might have been a porcelain doll abandoned in a snow drift, the way the roses blossomed in her cheeks and her curls spread in a black tangle across the whiteness." was a bit too long for my comfort. Easily fixable though, so yeah. Cool story

Posted by History (Member # 9213) on :

Nicely set scene. I would read further.

However, I did stumble over the name "Mortimer".
Not a fantasy hero name for me--more a nerd/geek kick-sand-in-face name or an old short bald uncle with coke bottle glasses who smells of old cigars.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :

I like it, but agree with Spader on the long sentence. Nice, but maybe a little flowery.

...the way the roses blossomed in her cheeks and her curls spread in a black tangle across the whiteness.

I think it's too vague. Too much like poetry. Just my two-cents.

Posted by J. N. Khoury (Member # 9361) on :

After reading everyone's critiques I revised:

"He found her lying half-buried in chalk-white ash. She might have been a porcelain doll abandoned in a snow drift, by the rose blush of her cheeks and the spread of her black curls across the whiteness. Even in her dying moments, she was the most beautiful creature he could imagine.

“Mortimer,” she whispered. Her eyes rolled unsteadily until they found him, twin arrows fixed on their target. Her gaze was sharp. Discerning. Deadly.

“Evienne.” He sank into the ashes beside her, his shoulders hunched beneath the weight of his weariness. Hugging his sword to his cheek, he turned red-rimmed eyes on the city below.

The fire had devoured everything. The city now choked on its own tears of smoke and ash, which rose in plumes and billows into an"

[This message has been edited by J. N. Khoury (edited January 07, 2011).]

Posted by Osiris (Member # 9196) on :

I think your revision is a big improvement, well done.

Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

Absolutely. Nice work.

Posted by Zenner (Member # 9375) on :

I like this - a good hook with some action and emotion at the beginning - but I really dislike the name Mortimer. That's just personal though.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

I think it's a great start--evocative, good word choice, nice flow.

Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :

I agree - excellent beginning. I wouldn't change a word from your second version.

[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited January 13, 2011).]