Hatrack River Writers Workshop: 'My Father' (NEW VERSION)

This is topic 'My Father' (NEW VERSION) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Apprentice Wordsmith (Member # 8320) on :

Thanks for all the feedback, and advice. This is my latest attempt:

New Version:
As he stepped out of his car, James glanced at the red Mazda in Father's driveway. It looked like Father had a visitor. He paused for a second on the doorstep. Maybe he should come back another time. It would be better to talk to his father when he was alone. No, better to get it over with now he was here. He had put this visit off too long already. It had been over a month since he was last here, yet he had been coming every week before that...ever since Mother died last spring.
He rapped loudly on the big oak door. A few moments later he heard a sound above him. Looking up he saw his father leaning out of a window, wearing a dressing gown.
"James," he said. "It's you! I wasn't expecting you. Wait, I'll be down in a minute. No, actually, let yourself in."

Original version:
James pushed the car door shut, crunched his way across the gravel, and climbed the wide, stone steps. Lifting the heavy, black knocker he rapped on the door. A good two, maybe three, minutes went by before his father leant out of an upstairs window.
'James. What are you doing here? Er...I'm not up yet. Er...just let yourself in, I'll be down in a minute.' he said, and then was gone.
Frowning James glanced at the red Megane parked between his father's Jaguar, and his own Golf. If his father wasn't up yet, why was there a car he didn't recognise parked on his father's drive? Shrugging the question away, he took out his keys and let himself in.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I counted sixteen. It made me a bit dizzy, and that was only the (he/him/his) The only reason I mention this... Well I care. - did a LOT of research on this subject. One of my strictest disciplines. Establish paragraph subject. Rely on readers intelligence. Write words that matter, perfume, paint, or otherwise enliven the scene, advance the plot, instill terror, or otherwise blows a readers skirt up...It is our job.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

I agree with Bent Tree - too many he/him/his. It feels fragmented and unclear. Could also tighten a bit. Too many unimportant words taking up your story...

quote:
James glanced at the red Mazda in Father's driveway. Father had a visitor. Maybe he should come back another time. It would be better to talk when they were alone. No, better to get it over with. He had put this visit off for over a month, yet he had been coming every week before that...ever since Mother died last spring.
He rapped on the oak door. A few moments later he saw Father leaning out of a window, wearing a dressing gown.
"James!" he said. "I wasn't expecting you. I'll be down in a minute. No, actually, let yourself in."

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

Much of the first 10 lines is a long-ish and somewhat repetitive way to say that James is reluctant to visit his father after a long absence. And much of it is back story that perhaps could be better spoon-fed to the reader as part of their conversation indoors. I suggest experimenting with starting with the ending of your opening and see how that works out:

Looking up James saw his father leaning out of a window, wearing a dressing gown.
"James," he said. "It's you! I wasn't expecting you. Wait, I'll be down in a minute. No, actually, let yourself in."

In the present version, I'm unsure about the use of Father in the first two lines. These are narrative sentences, so perhaps his father would be better.

Good luck.

[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited November 24, 2010).]

Posted by Apprentice Wordsmith (Member # 8320) on :

Thank you, I'll have to work on that. Is the dialogue better now i've aken the 'erm's out?

Posted by Osiris (Member # 9196) on :

Since I commented on the dialog in your previous version in the other thread, I thought I'd chime in on it here.

The dialog is an improvement, but I think it can be still better. What I think is going on with it is that you, the author, are letting the fact that you know that James is visiting the father influence the dialog.

quote:

"James," he said. "It's you! I wasn't expecting you. Wait, I'll be down in a minute. No, actually, let yourself in."

The father who is not expecting visitors finds himself 'caught' with a lady-friend over at his house has almost no hint of a questioning tone in his voice. The difference between plain old surprise (I say boo! and my victim says 'eek!') and surprise tinged with a questioning tone (My phone rings at 3:30 am with a rude awakening, and I'm wondering who would have the nerve to call me at that time) is subtle, but needs to be expressed here.

The solution is rather simple, we just change punctuation and a word or two:

"James? Is that you?" he said. "I wasn't expecting you. Wait, I'll be down in a minute. No, actually, let yourself in."

Here, we've added a questioning tone with the use of a question mark, which completely changes the way the reader reads 'James'. We removed one of the three repetitive 'yous' here, four if you count 'yourself' as well. Lastly, we changed 'It's you!' to 'Is that you?' to emphasize the father's confusion.

But we can do still better with a little more work:

"James? Is that you?" he said. "Well, this is unexpected. Wait, I'll be down in a minute. No, actually, just come right in."

Here, we changed 'I wasn't expecting you' to 'Well, this is unexpected'. This is a deliberate change from active to passive voice. The father is reacting to his son's unexpected appearance, and the use of passive voice emphasizes that he has been caught off-guard. I've noticed that people usually start sentences with the word 'well' when they aren't really sure of something, so that is why I inserted it there. I rephrased his last line to get rid of the 'yourself'.

Hope that helps, and good luck!

Posted by Apprentice Wordsmith (Member # 8320) on :

Thank you Osiris, that is very helpful.