Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Bike Ride - 3100 words

This is topic Bike Ride - 3100 words - inspirational fiction in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Jennywinnie (Member # 8510) on :

So here's my first attempt at a regular inspirational contemporary fiction story. I'd like to submit this to a contest in December so tell me what you think. I could use some reads, if anyone has the time.

***
As I sat down to my omelet and toast that morning, I didn't have a clue. I felt contented, happy even, as I gazed out the bay window into the dawn which was breaking on South Wington Sreet.

The house was clean, we were on time. What else could a mom with three kids want with life? I was oblivious to the fact that this morning I had begun a journey and it wouldn't be a pleasure venture. The sails were ready, the command given - this boat was speeding straight for the hurricane. After today my life would never be the same.

The first problem was common enough. As we headed out the door with our coats and hats, the mist of our breath curling around us, we clomped an uneven quartet on the wooden porch. I locked up with quick fingers as the touch of metal burned my skin in the December air.

[This message has been edited by Jennywinnie (edited November 16, 2010).]

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

So, mom of 3 kids is having breakfast. Then she's going to go somewhere (actually, you say she's already started a journey, but she hasn't even gotten out of her chair yet.)
Nit - try saying "pleasure venture" - it's awkward.
In the last paragraph, "the first problem" may be common, but I don't know what it is. The mist? The noise of their feet? The cold? I would probably cut the first sentence of that paragraph and just let the problem occur without advance comments; get things moving a little faster.

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

It's all style and preference, and bear in mind I read virtually no "inspirational contemporary fiction" - but I would start with more of a hook.

When I sat down that morning with my toast and omelet, I had no idea my life was about to change in a dramatic way.

No, I was contented, happy even, which is saying something when you've got three kids under age 10 to get up, dressed, fed, and out to school each morning. But we were on time and even dressed properly, the youngest wore his new red stocking cap. We clapped our hands against the cold as we left the house, pretty imagery here.

Naively, I thought it was just another day, but <hurricane boat imagery.>

Like I said, it's really just personal style and preference. I do think your wording choices are nice and the flow is good, but the pace is slower than I prefer, and the tease of what's to come is too...teasy? Again, personal preference, I get a little irritated when writers tell me they're GOING to tell me something but then take a while to tell me. In published fiction it drives me bananas (and trust me, people do it all the time so by all means keep it in if you like the way it builds suspense and tension for your story.)

Good luck with this!

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

Anytime I see five "I's" in two lines, I instantly stop reading. I think I do this because I think it is to mechanical to be fiction.

See my point? First person is hard. It is a matter of voice and a matter of make or break.

"Thirty-six cheerios on the floor...really? And my three children eat their cereal, oblivious to mommies compulsion to count everything. What is wrong with me?"

Here is a dumb example of how you can develop POV without the use of I. Here you also get a sense of character,conflict, and a familiar scene all at once. First person doesn't mean "I" it means finding out who I is and how "I" feel and react to the story being told, surroundings and perceptions. Very important especially in mainstream fiction because the is no speculative events luring a captive reader. Hope this helps.

Posted by Crank (Member # 7354) on :

Just about everything that struck me about your first 13 has already been covered, but I've read enough to make this offer: send me the story as it is now, or wait until you've done any rewrites you choose to make and send me that revised version. My email is in my profile.

S!
S!

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

I have a suggestion and you ain't going to like it. Dump the entire opening.

You have opened with a narrative summary. We know all we need to know about your protagonist. Its complete but not very exciting. You have removed pratically any mystery to your piece.

I suggested you attempt to make your opening more interactive. Why not start the morning with dialog between Mom and her children? Another suggestion would be to dump teh first two paragraphs and consider opening with what you have in the third. It appears to be more interesting to me.

Hope this helps!

Posted by Jennywinnie (Member # 8510) on :

OK so the comments were super helpful. I made a huge change. Well, actually it was a total rewrite. Here it goes:

******

As we headed out with our coats and hats, the mist of our breath curling around us, we clomped an uneven quartet on the wooden porch. I locked up with quick fingers as the touch of metal burned my skin in the December air.

Despite the cold, I was happy. The house was clean and we were on time. What else could a strung out mother ask for on a Friday morning, right? It was nothing short of a miracle.

Katie snorted and I turned to see her licking up the streaming stuff over her mouth with her tongue. It was thick, nearly freezing solid to her skin already. Cringing a little, I ripped open my backpack for a Wet One.

'Yeah let's do this quick. She shouldn't be out in this cold.'

[This message has been edited by Jennywinnie (edited November 18, 2010).]

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Better, but I think the opening needs a slight change

quote:
As we headed out with our coats and hats

Cut the 'As', for sure and add what 'out' means.

We headed out into the crisp but clear morning with our coats on our back and hats on our heads

Posted by redapollo9 (Member # 9012) on :

Your second opening feels more natural, and I don't get the feeling that information is being withheld from me like I kind of did in the first opening. For me, your voice would carry me on a while and there's enough tension and action so far to keep my interest sustained, but I'm hoping that some bigger struggle gets introduced fairly soon after this.
Also, it took me a second to realize what you were referring to by "the streaming stuff." Maybe it was the extra emphasis of "the" but I thought at first that she was sloppily eating some kind of food you had mentioned earlier and I just didn't catch it.