Hi, thanks to those that commented on my first submission. I have revised and completed the first part now, approx 1200 words. I'm looking readers of the whole thing or just comments on the first 13.
Doctor Harold Leitske picked up the ‘faerie lantern’ on the shelf and tapped his knuckle against the glass, disturbing the bug trapped inside. Agitated, the lumen beetle changed colour, switching from a placid green to a livid red glow which lent the study a kind of hellish ambience, and cast his Uncle Henry in a demonic light. Colonel Henry Charles Grimwood had not softened with age, Harold noted. If anything it had hardened and embittered the man even more, if that were possible. Radiating disapproval from behind his big ebony desk, he sat bolt upright in the corner as though an iron rod had been inserted up his arse. ‘Please don’t touch that,’ he said. ‘And for god’s sake, take a seat.’ Harold placed the glowing glass orb back on the shelf and ambled over, feeling somewhat chastised. The Colonel always had a knack
Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :
I like the setting you create here, however, you haven't presented any sort of conflict. At this point it's just setting and character introduction. The theory on the first thirteen is that you need something to keep the person reading, turning the the page as it were. I think the first part of this could do that, but the last part gets a bit mundane and could be more effective.
I'll give the whole thing a read by the way.
Technical:
quote:Doctor Harold Leitske picked up the ‘faerie lantern’ drop the single quotes on the shelf and tapped his knuckle against the glass, disturbing the bug trapped inside. Agitated, the lumen beetle changed colour, switching from a placid green to a livid red glow which lent the study a kind of hellish ambience, and cast his Uncle Colonel Henry Charles Grimwood Henry cut in a demonic light. Colonel Henry Charles Grimwoodchange this one to - Uncle Henry - I thought they were two different people on first read so I'm suggesting you start with the formal and then go to the familiar had not softened with age, Harold noted. If anything it had hardened and embittered the man even more, if that were possiblecut - overstated. Radiating disapproval from behind his big ebony desk, he sat bolt upright in the corner as though an iron rod had been inserted up his arsecut - overstated. ‘Please drop 'please', especially if you want the guy to feel chastised don’t touch that,’ he said. ‘And for god’s capitalize God sake, take a seat.’ Harold placed the glowing glass orb when you said lantern in the beginning I had pictured a rectangular glass thing with cast iron edges, so orb threw me. Why is it an orb? Nothing wrong with it, I just got conflicting pictures and I like mine better back on the shelf and ambled over, feeling somewhatcut - mitigating word weakens this chastised. The Colonel always had a knack
[This message has been edited by genevive42 (edited November 14, 2010).]
Posted by Jennywinnie (Member # 8510) on :
I really like this. The only fix is - I think there should be a little more of a hook toward the beginning. Something to tell us why all of this important. I'm assuming these beetles are magical? Or something like that? Maybe you could foreshadow this somehow...
The night was full of magic... OK yeah that was sappy... even just using the setting to sort of imply the tone. I loved the line about the "hellish light" if that's the tone you want to set I say go for it. Put that sentence first and then it's instantly emphasizes. It would be an awesome hook.
I'd be happy to swap stories with you. I think your dialogue is realistic and refreshing by the way.
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
This ain't bad. The biggest problem is it needs to be broken up in more manageble paragraphs (maybe you crammed then altogether to take advantage of the '13 line' rule. We've all been guilty of that. A few things that bugged me.
quote:Doctor Harold Leitske picked up the ‘faerie lantern’ on the shelf and tapped his knuckle against the glass, disturbing the bug trapped inside.
I agree, the single quotes need to go. I think you could change tapped his knuckle against the glass to tapped on the glass
quote:Agitated, the lumen beetle changed colour,
Consider a slight rearrangement.
The agitated lumen beetle changed colour
quote:switching from a placid green to a livid red glow which lent the study a kind of hellish ambience, and cast his Uncle Henry in a demonic light.
This reads like its running on. Don't like ...which lent the study a kind of...[i]. The entire sentence seems needlessly long. Perhaps...
[i]The agitated lumen beetle switched from a placid green to a livid red. Its glow illumuinated the study in a hellish ambience, casting his Uncle Henry in a demonic light.
quote:Colonel Henry Charles Grimwood had not softened with age, Harold noted.
Start of another paragraph. I'd cut Harold noted. A stronger suggestion is I would have the Colonel speak. Showing a grumpy (and possibly sarcastic) Charles Grimwood would be infinitely better than telling us about him.
quote: he sat bolt upright
Consider he bolted upright
quote: ‘Please don’t touch that,’ he said. ‘And for god’s sake, take a seat.’
Start of another paragraph.
Hope this helps!
Posted by redapollo9 (Member # 9012) on :
Love the setting, which is hooking me a great deal. However, I agree with others that you need at least a hint of some conflict here in order to get people to feel like they have to keep reading. Give us a reason to care about what's about to happen. Maybe somewhere in the middle of all that setting and description you could let us know what the Colonel and Harold are meeting for? Did the Colonel call Harold in? Did Harold request to talk with the Colonel?
Go ahead and send the whole thing to me too, if you'd like. It's almost thanksgiving break and I'll have plenty of time to read and write
[This message has been edited by redapollo9 (edited November 19, 2010).]
back on the shelf and ambled over, feeling somewhat cut - mitigating word weakens this chastised. The Colonel always had a knack 