Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Untitled... Ready for Readers

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Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :

I've posted the first 13 on this story before, so I hope no one will be too upset if I don't this time around. It's the one about Jeram sneaking into a tribal council meeting. If anyone does want to see the first 13, I'm willing to post it, but I'm after readers for the entire story and not just the first 13.

I wanted to submit this story to the WotF in the last quarter (the 4th) and didn't make it due to time to finish what I consider the final draft. I'm still having limited time to work on this story, which is the reason why I haven't joined the current WotF writer's group.

So, is anyone willing to give it one last look before I enter it into the WotF's 1st quarter? It's approximately 7600 words (31 pages).

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Crystal,

What's the deadline? I think I've read this one before.

Regards,

Nick

Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :

You might have, Nick. I lose track of who's read my stories and who hasn't. Does this ring any bells?:

Jeram had a friend with him the next morning after the council meeting when they were going to participate in a swordsmanship test in the original draft. I left the friend and the test out of the final draft and replaced it with Jeram going to swordsmanship lesson instead. It worked much better for me than the original.

If you would still like to look it over, that'd be fine. The deadline for entry is December 31.

Any other takers?

[This message has been edited by Crystal Stevens (edited November 03, 2010).]

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Crystal,

It's familiar, but I don't know which version I read. Email it through to me.

Nick

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Oh go ahead and post it, Crystal. Just don't post the title (you wouldn't want to disqualify your entry, unlikely as that would be).

Posted by pdblake (Member # 9218) on :

Hi Crystal, you can send me a copy if you like. I've just finished a 120k first draft so I'm having a couple of days rest before I start the next one

Also thinking of entering WOTF sometime, so you might be able to return the favour eventually

When do you need a reply by?

[This message has been edited by pdblake (edited November 05, 2010).]

Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :

Thanks to everyone who has responded. I'm loaded with overtime at work right now, but will be home Sunday. I'll try and send it for those interested by then.

Oh okay, Snapper. Just for you (and anyone else that wants to take a wack at it), here's the first 13:

Deep shadows masked Jeram’s presence along the Pavilion’s west side. He tried to relax after that mad sprint across the clearing and knew he must be gone before the smaller moon enhanced her sister’s glow.

A sentry’s laughter split the quiet, and Jeram winced when his head banged the wall. He strained to hear anything more from the sentries posted at the Pavilion’s back and front entrances with the forest sounds his only response.

Maybe Lynay was right to try and keep him home, but Toka’s possible exile made sneaking into a tribal council meeting worth the risk. Jeram snatched up his waning courage and moved on. No doubt Father would approve of Jeram’s loyalty to a chief’s son but not this childish impulsiveness. Such acts never appealed to

[This message has been edited by Crystal Stevens (edited November 05, 2010).]

Posted by pdblake (Member # 9218) on :

No worries, send it when you're ready

Incidentally, I'm on UK time, so if you don't get an answer it's because I'm still in bed

Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :

Okay, Nick T, I've sent it your way.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

quote:
Deep shadows masked Jeram’s presence along the Pavilion’s west side.

quote:
He tried to relax after that mad sprint across the clearing and knew he must be gone before the smaller moon enhanced her sister’s glow.

A bit too wordy. I believe you should place a peroid after clearing then reword the confusing second half of the sentence. I am assuming the smaller moon (there are two, correct) is behind a cloud. The fact I need to guess is a concern.

quote:
A sentry’s laughter split the quiet, and Jeram winced when his head banged the wall.

Probably need to spilt this sentence in half, too. Not sure if the 'his' in Jeram winced when his head is. The sentry or Jeram?

quote:
He strained to hear anything more from the sentries posted at the Pavilion’s back and front entrances with the forest sounds his only response.

Cut 'with' and replace with a peroid. It confuses what you are trying to say. In fact, I would cut the rest.

quote:
Maybe Lynay was right to try and keep him home, but Toka’s possible exile made sneaking into a tribal council meeting worth the risk. Jeram snatched up his waning courage and moved on. No doubt Father would approve of Jeram’s loyalty to a chief’s son but not this childish impulsiveness.

But then again, the sample may be too small to make a fair determination.

Good luck.

Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :

quote:
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Deep shadows masked Jeram’s presence along the Pavilion’s west side.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Impossible to know from such a small sample but I suspect this isn't what you want to open with. This feels like it should be the second sentence. The opening sentence by itself makes me go huh? Perhaps showing his mad dash first.
****************************************************************
Okay, I can see where I goofed on this and should've put in the source of the shadows, mainly the larger moon. What an obvious flub.
****************************************************************

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He tried to relax after that mad sprint across the clearing and knew he must be gone before the smaller moon enhanced her sister’s glow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A bit too wordy. I believe you should place a peroid after clearing then reword the confusing second half of the sentence. I am assuming the smaller moon (there are two, correct) is behind a cloud. The fact I need to guess is a concern.
****************************************************************
Yes it does need to be split. The importance of the two moons comes out after the first 13. I never thought about the smaller moon being behind a cloud. It just hasn't risen yet to brighten the clearing and make it harder for Jeram to leave later on.
****************************************************************

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sentry’s laughter split the quiet, and Jeram winced when his head banged the wall.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Probably need to spilt this sentence in half, too. Not sure if the 'his' in Jeram winced when his head is. The sentry or Jeram?
****************************************************************
Amazing how I thought it was evident that Jeram banged his head from jerking in reaction to the sentry's laughter. I thought it added some drama to the situation.
****************************************************************

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He strained to hear anything more from the sentries posted at the Pavilion’s back and front entrances with the forest sounds his only response.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cut 'with' and replace with a peroid. It confuses what you are trying to say. In fact, I would cut the rest.
****************************************************************
I thought about doing that too, but another reader thought the Pavilion was in a village or a populated area. That's why I mentioned the forest. I, too, had left it out in an earlier draft. That the Pavilion is in an isolated location does come out later. So maybe it would be all right to leave that out at this point in the story?
****************************************************************

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maybe Lynay was right to try and keep him home, but Toka’s possible exile made sneaking into a tribal council meeting worth the risk. Jeram snatched up his waning courage and moved on. No doubt Father would approve of Jeram’s loyalty to a chief’s son but not this childish impulsiveness.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

With the sentries, there are five (maybe six if you include the 'chief's son') referred to in this opening, too many people to pin down in such a short amount of time. It comes across as info-dumpish. I think you may need to take a step back and not worry so much about a hook. This is too confusing as it is.
****************************************************************
The sentries are window dressing and guarding against unwanted intruders that might do exactly what Jeram is doing. They are strictly an obstacle he must overcome to sneak inside the Pavilion where the meeting is taking place.

Naturally, since he's nervous about doing this at all, Jeram's mind is racing over why he's there and what could happen if anyone finds out about it... mainly his immediate family. This is something I added to make Jeram more believable because one of my crits said that "Jeram has less substance than a soap bubble.". AND everyone that's mentioned plays a part later on in the story. Though Jeram's father is never seen, he has a big influence in Jeram's life, and Jeram has the highest respect for his father.
****************************************************************

Thanks for the crit, Snapper. In some ways I think you looked forward to and enjoyed tearing into the 1st 13 of my story. I bet you looked at it and thought, "All right! Fresh meat!" LOL

Posted by pdblake (Member # 9218) on :

As you've not sent me it I take it you have enough readers now so I've started a new project.

Maybe next time.

[This message has been edited by pdblake (edited November 08, 2010).]

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Well not quite, Crystal, but since I asked for the opening I did feel obligated to share how it read to me. As I said, too small of a sample to judge fairly. It could be a few of my concerns were addressed in the next few paragraphs.

good luck in the contest!

Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :

Thank you for being understanding, pdblake. I really didn't want more than a crit or two. I'll try and remember your offer when I finish the rough draft of my next project. And I really do appreciate your offer.

Thanks again .

And Snapper; Don't ask me why but you've always been a favorite of mine here on Hatrack. I just couldn't resist the tease .

[This message has been edited by Crystal Stevens (edited November 09, 2010).]

Posted by pdblake (Member # 9218) on :

No worries