-----

It was a warm, rainy Tuesday night when Janine first told me about the cars. We
were sitting at a table in the corner of our usual neighborhood bar, two or
three beers to the wind, and I had my pad of paper out to write down everything
she said—it's a habit I picked up in college and have stuck with ever since.
The cars would drive around, she said, up and down the city streets and, with a
camera mounted on top, would take photographs of everything they pass by.
Panoptika, she called it. She'd just been transferred to the team that
maintains this odd project and she very excitedly went on and on about how the
thing works and what-all you could do with it.

As you know, I'm not much of a computer person. I got onto the email train
years after all of my friends and this whole internet-blog-social-networking
thing is

 

The 'As you know...' in the second paragraph. I don't know do I? Or if I do, how do I?

[This message has been edited by pdblake (edited October 02, 2010).]
 

It was a warm, rainy Tuesday night when Janine first told me about the cars. We
were sitting at a table in the corner of our usual neighborhood bar, two or
three beers to the wind, and (This is a long sentence and this would be a natural place to break it) I had my pad of paper out to write down everything
she said—it's a habit I picked up in college and have stuck with ever since(So his habit is to write down everything she says or everything anyone says? This doesn't sound like habit, more of a compulsion--why does he write it down? Stories about writers are considered cliche, but I would have issues if a friend took notes about everything I said, I'd need a little more explanation than you give)
The cars would drive around, she said (We figure this as you told us in the previous sentence that she was telling us about the cars, so saying she said sounds a little redundant) up and down the city streets and, with a
camera mounted on top, would take photographs of everything they pass by.
Panoptika, she called it(Did she call it this or was it called this by others). She'd just been transferred to the team that
maintains this odd project and she very excitedly went on and on about how the
thing works and what-all you could do with it(I am not excited about it, so perhaps you should mention something that seemed to excite the girl about it).

As you know, I'm not much of a computer person( Is this a letter or something--I know nothing about you otherwise) I got onto the email train
years after all of my friends and this whole internet-blog-social-networking
thing is

I think the prose itself is quite nice--good word choice, some nice constructions. I think you err on the long-side of sentences. I am not engaged by the seemingly ordinary setting, seemingly ordinary meeting of friends, seemingly ordinary technology and the lack of any mystery or conflict.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 02, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 02, 2010).]
 

Red

 

So it has potential, but there's no hint about this in the opening, or its intended purpose, which I guess to be artistic.

My first take on the paragraph following the first paragraph of the opening, was that you (the author) were back to explaining something to Hatrackers. In other words, it didn't seem connected to the opening at all.

I write down stuff on a pocket-sized notepad too! That notebook is my short-term memory. All the short-term memory that I possess, beyond about ten seconds, is in my shirt pocket.

 

I have a portable note system (I'm too geeky for pen and paper) but I'd draw the line at minuting a meeting with a friend.
 

Elements I would suggest changing:

- "It was a warm, rainy Tuesday night..." - a bit cliche (maybe start with something the MC just did that was either unusual or mundane).
- "...of our usual neighborhood bar,..." - I would have thought he was a reporter getting a big scoop, except for that statement. I don't think he is, but it could be used if you wanted to explain some of his behavior. If so you should establish it very early and get rid of the delayed computer skills.
- "...two or three beers to the wind, and I had my pad of paper out to write down everything she said--it's a habit I picked up in college..." - this part made this sound as if this is what he always does while drinking. If he were a reporter, he might try to get the interviewer to drink to spill the beans (so to speak). Also, he would probably pick the habit up as a street interviewer or something, not in college.

I doubt the reporter angle was something you were going for, especially in light of the last paragraph, but it could explain some of his behavior. However, with it, you will still likely have problems establishing the hook. I liked the voice and depth of this.