Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Little Gods

This is topic Little Gods in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

I've always felt alone in life, and yet as if I were never out of someone's sight. I’m not sure if it came from an upbringing of being told that God is always watching, or if it was just part of my personality. I've always felt like I was being watched by unseen gods, from somewhere, just out of sight. Some people had imaginary friends, I had imaginary gods.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved the time I spent with them. And it was almost always more than one. I called them “the committee” because there were anywhere from one to five of them helping me with problems or just watching.

When I was about eight, I decided that I would start talking to these little gods. At first, it was just with my thoughts. But later, as I took longer walks in the woods and nearby pond,

Posted by thomaskcarpenter (Member # 9192) on :

This opening didn't grab me at all. The writing is fine but there is no hook to it. The idea of it sounds interesting, but you might think about coming at it in a different way, as much as I can tell from the first 13 lines.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

There's a lot of redundancy, basically telling us over and over again that these little gods are there. Maybe you should start with them actually doing something?

You can compress your start-up and get straight to the action:

quote:
I've always felt like I was being watched from somewhere, just out of sight. Some people had imaginary friends. I had imaginary gods.
When I was about eight, I decided that I would start talking to these little gods. At first, it was just with my thoughts. But later, as I took longer walks in the woods and nearby pond,

gets the point across and gets into the action a little quicker...

Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

Yes, thanks. I see your point.

Posted by SolomonSpecies (Member # 9254) on :

I like the concept, but initially wasn't 'strongly' hooked. There are many lines I like though such as "Some people had imaginary friends, I had imaginary gods." or "The Committee"

Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :

quote:
I've always felt alone in life, and yet as if I were never out of someone's sight. I’m not sure if it came from an upbringing of being told that God is always watching, or if it was just part of my personality. I've always felt like I was being watched by unseen gods, from somewhere, just out of sight. Some people had imaginary friends, I had imaginary gods.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved the time I spent with them. And it was almost always more than one. I called them “the committee” because there were anywhere from one to five of them helping me with problems or just watching.
When I was about eight, I decided that I would start talking to these little gods. At first, it was just with my thoughts. But later, as I took longer walks in the woods and nearby pond,

Hmmm, not sure of the time period, even though the comment about imaginary friends makes it seem modern. I would assume that this is a fantasy since it deals with gods instead of a SF or general fiction dealing with someone who hears voices.

You are being redundant but I think you know that by now.

I'm not sure if you actually have to have them do something but at the same time I think some type of indication of what is to come: he starts a cult, they tell him about the end of the world and how he can stop it, everyone thinks he's crazy, he starts helping or harming individuals, with their advice he makes a space ship or cures cancer, or they advice him-with arguments between members- how to deal with a girl he wants to marry, etc..

The writing itself seems to be okay and I am curious to see where this goes but it seems to be a little bit too calm or mellow. Not that you need fighting, natural disasters or dynamic prophecies.

Of course all of this could be just my tastes, showing off.

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

Perhaps starting abruptly with something like, My gods chatted with me again, yesterday. They told me...., would kick it off with a bit more pace. Then, some of the back story can be woven in as needed.

The rough age of the protag is vague. Elderly, adult or teen? You refer back to when the protag "about eight" which hints that enough time has passed to stretch the protag's memory, but maybe give a stronger hint.

Posted by pdblake (Member # 9218) on :

I find the first paragraph a little confusing to be honest. It seems to suggest that she feels that there is something there, senses something etc, but the second paragraph says she knows for a fact, even down to how many there are.

Overall it didn't really grab me. It's a good concept though, but perhaps done a little differently.

Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

This story started out as micro-fiction (less than 1000 words) about a young girl that just had fun with her imaginary little god friends. Nothing more.

Now that you've given me more to think about in terms of giving it more punch, I've decided to give it more bulk and make it into an actual short story format. Hopefully about 10,000 words or so.

You have all been incredibly supportive and helpful with your critiques and I thank you.

Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :

You can do with it what you will of course but a story doesn't have to be serious or heavy. Someone having fun could be a nice change depending if there is a SF of Fantasy element to the fun.