Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Time Hunter

This is topic Time Hunter in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

“Well, well. If it isn’t my old friend, Carlo Penzero.” Lucas Briar stepped into a burned out state room of a derelict hotel. He kicked at the end of a bare, mildewed mattress on the floor where the withering body of his quarry lay. Dull light fought its way in through the slits of a heat scorched window shade.

“You’re too late, Briar,” the old man growled coughing blood. “I’m already dead. Time beat you to it.” He took in a rattling breath. “Why would you want to arrest me now? What are you going to do, prosecute a dead body?”

“You do realize I can come back for you yesterday, now that I know where you’ll be?” He slipped off his sunglasses and hooked them on his tee shirt collar. The burnt wood floor crackled

***************************************

Second revision:

“Well, if it isn’t my ex-partner, Carlo Penzero.” Lucas Briar stepped into a burned out state room of an abandoned hotel. His sensor-specs scanned the perimeter of the building and identified the sole occupant on the Heads Up Display. It showed all temporal windows clear. No threats.

“You’re too late, Briar,” the older man rasped, bloody spittle dripping down his chin. “I’m already dead. Time beat you to it.” He took in a rattling breath. “Why would you want to arrest me now? What are you going to do, prosecute a dead body?”

Lucas smelled the stench of the death soaked mattress where Penzero lay. Daylight forced its way past the tear in the heat scorched window shade to illuminate his disintegrating body.

***************************************

Third Revision:

“Well, well, if it isn’t my old friend, Carlo Penzero. Hope you don’t mind if I let myself in.” Lucas Briar stepped into a burned out room of an abandoned hotel. His sensor-specs showed all temporal windows clear. No threats.

“You’re still good at covering your tracks, I’ll give you that. It took me two years, eight cities, and forty years of time jumps to catch up with you. Even if you die on me now, I can still come back for you yesterday.” He slipped off his

[This message has been edited by PB&Jenny (edited September 16, 2010).]

Posted by thomaskcarpenter (Member # 9192) on :

Great start. I like everything about this 13 lines. The voice, the conversation between the two and the subtle inclusion of time travel.

And even though you didn't tell us, I'm going to guess, by way of the scene markers and the character's word choices that they're in an old-time town.

Good job.

Posted by Ethereon (Member # 9133) on :

I also like the voice, dialogue, and the hook of a timetravelling bounty hunter. I think you've done a really nice job, so all I've got for you are a few nits to consider:

quote:
Lucas Briar entered an abandoned state room in an derelict hotel. He stopped at the end of a filthy mattress on the floor where the withering body of his quarry lay

It strikes me that some more specific/active verbs intead of "entered" and "stopped at the end" might make the opening paragraph a little more vivid. Ambled into an...? Sauntered into an? He kicked the end of a..? Just examples.

It might just be me, but dirty/filthy matress seems like a cliche. What does it look like? Water stained/blood stained/mildewed/bare matress? Not a big deal, just a thought.

Would the body be "withering" or just "withered"?

quote:
through the splits of a decaying window shade

splits in?

Does wood crackle? Maybe a different word would better describe the sound old wooden boards make.

[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited September 13, 2010).]

Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

Thomas, I wasn't intending on the old timey references. What parts made you think of that? It's supposed to be in a post modern time frame, about fifty years from now.

Wow, Ethereon, you must have been in the room with me as I was writing. I was debating whether I should use of, or, in, for the shades. I guess I chose - poorly.

I do like the idea of changing the 'entered' verb and the mattress description, too. Thanks for that nit.

How does it look now?

[This message has been edited by PB&Jenny (edited September 13, 2010).]

Posted by thomaskcarpenter (Member # 9192) on :

What made me think old-timey? The barren descriptions, bounty hunting, missing teeth, mildewed mattress, the way they spoke, etc. Dunno, it just struck me as a description out of Deadwood. Not a bad thing, mind you.

Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :

Not too bad.

but there's something that doesn't sit well with me and I'm not sure what. It sounds kinda mean but that's probably okay.

The mattress scene does sound cliche-ish. It's almost like that whole description breaks up the flow.

It has what it takes to be a grabber, the action is clear. Over all it has what it should but at the same time something isn't right.

Could be just my personal tastes or that I'm in a partially bad mood.

I apologize for not being able to say something definite

Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

Hey, we all have those kinds of days, LD. No biggie.

Thanks, Thomas for that observation. Made me think of another idea for a story.

Sorry Kathleen for the length. Thanks for fixing that.

Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

Hmm... what if I make the mattress an old chair or couch. Would that bring it out of cliche for you, LD?

Posted by bemused (Member # 8465) on :

Like Thomas, I also got an old-time feel. I suppose it is because when I see a bounty hunter my mind immediately goes back to my days of watching Brisco County Jr on Saturday Mornings. Then again, Penzero and Briar have a rather western flavor to them as far as names go. The sunglasses should have been a giveaway that it was not a story in the past though it could be a western influenced future.

Otherwise, I like the flow of the opening and I like the hook of time traveling bounty hunter, the I'll come back for you yesterday twist. I am a sucker for time-travel though, so I may not be the most impartial judge.

One small quibble, I didn't like how the two names butted up against each other in the first line: "Carlo Penzero. Lucas Briar." The names bleed together in such close proximity and it was a stumbling block for me. But once I recovered from the stubbed toe I would read on.

Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

Wow, how could I have missed that? Thanks.

I've since changed a few things to show that it's definitely in the future and definitely not a western.

Posted by Osiris (Member # 9196) on :

I agree its a great start. There definitely is a old west flavor to this because of the names chosen, the heat, and the derelict hotel, which gives a sense of an old west ghost town.

The line about coming back yesterday really hooked me.

Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :

quote:

PB&Jenny

Hmm... what if I make the mattress an old chair or couch. Would that bring it out of cliche for you, LD?

I think it would sound better.

And it could be that Bemuses' quibble was part of the reason I felt that way about it.

I'm petty sure the pacing was off. But it also sounds like you may be fixing that.

Posted by bemused (Member # 8465) on :

It certainly doesn’t read as a western after the revision. However, you have lost some of the punch of the original opening. I am assuming that the come-back-yesterday part is still in the story but just outside of the first 13 (which is fine), but originally that time travel bit was a bit of a surprise reveal. In the new opening it is telegraphed by the description of Briar checking the “temporal windows” which implies the time travel but with more subtly. The second sentence is quite heavy on the techno jargon, “sensor-specs,” “Heads Up Display” and the more technical word choices like “perimeter” and “identified” It is a tad hectic.

I liked the switch from withered ot disintegrating. In this version, that is the main hook in the first 13, it adds greater weight to Penzero’s line “Time beat you to it” it makes me think that it may be some side effect of time travel gone wrong.

While I appreciate knowing that Penzero is Briar’s ex-partner, would Briar really address him as that? I like the “old friend” of the original; it had a more sarcastic tone to it. Like a hunter cornering trapped prey and mocking it. I also liked the “well, well” versus “well” but now I am getting ridiculously nit-picky.

I still think the double full names at the beginning are a stumbling point. What if you broke it up by doing something like this?

“Well, well. If it isn’t my old friend, Carlo Penzero. You’re a hard man to find.” Lucas Briar stepped into a burned out state room…”

I realize “You’re a hard man to find” is a tad cliché, but I think throwing in an extra bit of dialogue to break up the names will help the flow.

Posted by Twiggy (Member # 9209) on :

I loved the first version and agree that the second lost a little punch.

"It showed all temporal windows clear. No threats."
This line wasn't half as powerful in showing the time travel element as the one about coming back yesterday.

Great work. I would definitely read on with both versions.

Posted by thomaskcarpenter (Member # 9192) on :

I liked the first one better as well. IMHO, you over-thought the second version trying to listen to us. Trust your instincts and your skill. We all seemed to like the first one, so just go with it.

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

I also thought the first try was more crisp and flowed more easily. The temporal window thing in the second, slowed everything up and the important line was coming back yesterday in the first try.

I agree about the two names together. You need to stick a beat in their or reposition the names. It's like reading a stutter for me.

Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

Hurray for first instincts!

Thanks everyone. I'm so glad you liked the first version as much as I do. I think I can work in the old west slant a little bit. it should work just fine with the rest of the story.

Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :

I think I agree that the first one is better overall even though the second one wasn't bad. Even though it almost felt like you were trying to jam too much info into it.

The first one just needed a little polishing not a remake.