The fire of the pyre wore unnatural tendencies on that night. Some of the stars seemed to be moving and there seemed to be more of them than usual. The shaman, Kane Killian, wore the skins of the dire wolves that had been slain for their meat the night before. His acolytes wore the red robes of the season’s consequences. The winds carried wild red embers off into the night, growing lighter and lighter until disappearing altogether. The Shaman’s eyes confessed the years of anguish and moral ambiguity he had witnessed.
They were atop a large hill which was in the center of the Melnane tribe’s village. On the hill was a small dwelling where the tribe’s head shaman dwelled. In the center of the hill was a large bonfire, beside which was a stone alter and a cross
I seperated both paragraphs for ease of reading. Looking for opinions on paragraph structure and whether or not you are hooked. Any other opinions are welcome as well.
Thanks in advance.
I reworked it a little and decided to post:
The pyre wore unnatural tendencies on that night. Some of the stars were moving and there were more of them than usual. The shaman, Kane Killian, wore the skins of the dire wolves that had been slain the night before. His acolytes wore the red robes of the season’s consequences. The winds carried wild red embers off into the night, growing lighter and lighter until disappearing altogether. The Shaman’s eyes confessed the years of anguish and moral ambiguity he had witnessed.
They were atop a large hill, upon which was a small dwelling off to the side where Kane lived. In the center of the gathering was the large bonfire, beside which was a stone alter and a cross where a person could be tied up. This was the center of the Melnane tribe’s village. To an outsider the setup
[This message has been edited by Tyranthraxus (edited September 10, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Tyranthraxus (edited September 10, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 10, 2010).]
There also seems to be quite a bit of repetitive word choice in these 13 lines.
In the second sentence, you say "seemed to be" twice. I think you should consider revising that sentence somehow. It's a little distracting when I read "seemed to be" twice.
"The shaman, Kane Killian, wore the skins of the dire wolves that had been slain for their meat the night before." - I think you can shorten this sentence. And maybe just say something about wolf skin, rather than that long description of "dire wolves".... Maybe "Kane Killian, The Shaman, wore wolf skin" you can include the part with "the meat the night before" if you really feel it to be necessary.
The second paragraph: it sounds a little repetitive. You say hill three times. Maybe find a way to say hill only once or twice, and maybe consider connecting those sentences somehow, so you don't have to say "hill" three times. That's just my opinion.
I sort of get hooked toward the end of the second paragraph. I like the whole cross thing you have going on. Here's a suggestion, though: maybe you can leave out quite a bit of this descrpition, and just say the thing about the cross on the hill and where Kane Killian is. If you mention the thing with the cross being on a hill and something about a bonfire... I think we can get a pretty good idea of where Kane is, as well as the cross.
I'm not saying to write it like that, the way I set it up poorly, but I'm sure you can think of something better, and come up with a stronger opening than this. I found this opening confusing in a few places toward the beginning, and I had already mentioned the parts where I got stuck and thought could be worded better.
Anyway, Good luck.
[This message has been edited by XD3V0NX (edited September 10, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by XD3V0NX (edited September 10, 2010).]
As for Pyre and fire: It looks like I created a small two-word thesaurus for myself.
The final thing I see is where it says "To an outsider". I know it's not much, but there should be a comma after "outsider"
Hope this helps.
Good luck.
You asked about paragraph structure and hookiness. Structure isn't a big issue in these lines. As for whether or not I'm hooked, the answer is No. The first two paragraphs (of the revised opening) are unclear. Objects don't usually wear tendencies, and there's no elaboration in the following sentence.
quote:Are there more stars or more moving stars than usual? How are they moving--by flickering, streaking straight across the sky, or circling the stationary stars? Or are they not stars at all, but the floating embers?
Some of the stars were moving and there were more of them than usual.
I also don't know what "season’s consequences" mean.
quote:
They were atop a large hill, upon which was a small dwelling off to the side where Kane lived. In the center of the gathering was the large bonfire, beside which was a stone alter and a cross where a person could be tied up. This was the center of the Melnane tribe’s village. To an outsider the setup
This paragraph worked for me. You could trade out "were", and "small dwelling" for more descriptive words: clustered/danced/stood and bungalow/cottage/hut/shack. However, the meanings are clear and probably relevant.
[This message has been edited by aspirit (edited September 11, 2010).]
quote:
They were atop a large hill, upon which was a small dwelling off to the side where Kane lived. In the center of the gathering was the large bonfire, beside which was a stone alter and a cross where a person could be tied up. This was the center of the Melnane tribe’s village. To an outsider the setup
This seems a bit archaic to me. I could see it written better, IMO, like this.
They were atop a large hill with a small hut off to the side where Kane lived. In the center of the gathering was a large bonfire with a stone alter and a cross where a person could be tied up.
Hope this helps.
PB
This will help me a great deal in the future.
[This message has been edited by Tyranthraxus (edited September 13, 2010).]