The river rolls my bones and cool waters touch my broken flesh. Sand scours my anemic wounds and small, silver fish consume me-- bite by bite. Sometimes I strike a rock as I tumble down rapids; bones crack and spear my glassy skin. Stagnant blood seeps out and turns the water black. For two days and a night I have drifted downstream. By the time I reach the open sea, I shall be threads of meat, shards of bones and bloody smears across a hundred rocks--but mostly, I know, I shall be in the bellies of a thousand fish. I hear a cry and then firm hands grasp me. A man gags as he hauls me to the stones of the riverbank. He retches a few times and fluids splatter noisily on the pebbles; the wind drives the bitter smell to my nose; I'd turn away, but I can't, so I watch the clouds
Posted by chalkdustfairy (Member # 9175) on :
Is this a human or some other creature? I didn't understand 'anemic' wound. Were you talking about a bloodless wound because I think (could be wrong) that anemic is a something different.
I like the writing, I just don't know if I buy the idea that 'it' could be conscious of everything that's happening to 'it' through two days and a night.
I liked the last part, though. I'd believe 'it' was conscious then.
Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :
Like the concept. The way this reads, I think you literally meant that some post-life intelligence was travelling down stream, still anchored to it's already dead body. I don't think it's still alive - should have drowned by now, even ignoring the body's condition. If this was your intent, you've succeeded.
[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited September 01, 2010).]
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
I like this. Great hook, nice description. I felt cold and wet just reading it. No real nits. I'm intrigued to say the least, wondering where you're going with this.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
It is as NoTimeToThink said. And it was human.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited September 01, 2010).]
Posted by bemused (Member # 8465) on :
Very eerie and gripping opening. It is quite the challenge you have set for yourself, telling a story from the perspective of a dead body (or at least it seems that way). Your MC is an entirely passive character (outside of thoughts so far), which in any other case would be a deal breaker, but given the context is perfect here. It certainly helps that you have maintained the passivity of the actions, the sense of a lack of ability to move, without slipping into constant passive voice. The body is doing things like striking rocks, hearing things and drifting, but it never comes across like the living dead.
I agree that “anemic wounds” doesn’t quite read right, though the MC is certainly anemic, in the sense of lacking vitality. It’s a good word that could be used elsewhere (despite its strong medical connection with anemia).
My one small quibble, and this could be rendered moot by the rest of the story, is the apparent self-separation of the body. What I mean by this is that the MC identifies the skin as “my skin” but the bones that puncture it are treated as an external or not part of the self. It did make me pause and question my assumption that I was reading the perspective of a dead body. Of course maybe it is something else, more like a spirit trapped in a dead body? As I said, the rest of the story would probably clear that up.
I wonder how well a passive/immobile MC works on a longer scale. How long is the story (or are you aiming to make it)? Based on the first 13 I would certainly read on. Are you looking for readers? Because I would be glad to take a look.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
I think this will be perhaps at most a few thousand words, but may be as short as 1500. I have written beyond this intro, but on a few hundred words. When it is done I'll email those interested and see if they still want to do a read through for me.
Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :
Very intriguing concept. I can envision a spirit on a quest to solve or avenge it's murder. Lots of space to run with this storyline. I'd love to read it.
PB
Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :
Hmmm, read this a week or so ago but obviously didn't say anything, not sure why.
Could be that there's not much I can say. Nice descriptions, I can see everything clearly, almost to clearly in a couple cases.
I wonder why he is stuck in his body but that probably comes after the 13 lines. His senses are working but he must not be feeling any pain and not because he's drunk.
That's about it. Maybe make sure that he is human or if not what he is at the beginning but other than than I got nothing.
Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
Wow, super opening. No quibbles. I'd be happy to read when it's done, if you need more readers.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Just writing it now.
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
I just read it, and if you want to read it before a magazine charges you full price for the privilege, I'd beg him to have it show it to you too. Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Thanks Frank, but don't build it up too much!
I'll send this to the few people that are still interested (say you want it on this thread). I am not looking for any line crits, just opinions if the story generally works as it is presented.
It's 1500 words, so pretty short and has been re-titled 'Preacher Man'.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited September 09, 2010).]
Posted by thomaskcarpenter (Member # 9192) on :
I'm curious. I'll give it a read if you'd like.
Posted by Osiris (Member # 9196) on :
I'd be happy to read if you like.
Posted by bemused (Member # 8465) on :
I'm still interested, send it my way if you can.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Sent to three, so far.
Posted by Twiggy (Member # 9209) on :
Very good. Sent my thoughts by email.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Yeah, thanks, got that.
Posted by Osiris (Member # 9196) on :
Just finished reading it as well. Beautifully told story, I enjoyed it. I've sent my feedback via email to you.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Thank you--a well-detailed crit.
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
I do have one problem. You spelled 'River' with an l in the title of this topic. That might get you a rejection.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
I didn't spot that! Whoops.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
So that wasn't on purpose, skadder?
Want me to change it?
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Thanks, but I wouldn't worry. I have changed the title to Preacher Man, anyway.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Thanks, but I wouldn't worry. I have changed the title to Preacher Man, anyway.
Edit: Yes, please. It may help me to find it if I search for the thread at some point in the future.
Posted by Osiris (Member # 9196) on :
I'll confess I did like the original title but I see why you changed it after reading the story.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Okay, skadder, but just for clarification's sake, am I correct in thinking that you want me to change the title of the topic to Preacher Man?
And with or without ellipses?
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Yes, Kathy, Preacher Man, but you can drop the ellipses. Thanks!
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited September 15, 2010).]
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Done! Sorry to take so long.
Kathleen
Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :
I think "Preacher Man" makes a more intriguing title.
Is the preacher man: the guy in the water, the guy who finds him-maybe tries to help him or doesn't know what he has, some other reference we don't know yet?
Hmmm...
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Thanks, Kathleen.
Sorry.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
