Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Splintered Mind

This is topic Splintered Mind in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

I stand upon the stony shore and watch the waves; their white tips whipped to a fine spray by the same northern wind that tears at my sodden clothes. I wipe a lock of hair from eyes.
Sometimes I dream I skim inches above the waves and, with my tongue, I taste their foam. It is full of memories; of vast shadows that twist and sing beneath the waves as they hunt. In my dream, the weight of remembrance consumes me--pulls at me--and I plunge beneath the waves like a spear to join them.
Though I dream these things, it doesn't make them less true, or less real. Already, I feel the sting as bloody feathers rupture though my skin and unfurl in the biting wind. Already, the rocks at my feet swell large as boulders and...I feel light...as a bird. The splash of a wave washes away the blood--with

Revised:

I stand upon the stony shore and watch the waves; their white tips whipped to a fine spray by the northern wind that tears at my sodden clothes. I wipe a lock of hair from my eyes.
Sometimes I dream I skim inches above the waves and, with my tongue, I taste their foam. The salt stirs memories of vast shadows that twist and sing beneath the waves as they hunt. In my dream, the weight of remembrance consumes me--pulls at me--and I plunge, spear-like, into the waves to join the chase.
Though I dream these things, it doesn't make them less true, or less real. Already, I feel the sting as bloody feathers rupture though my skin and unfurl in the biting wind. Already, the stones at my feet swell into boulders as I watch and I feel...light...as a bird. The splash from a wave rinses the blood

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited August 23, 2010).]

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

Quite evocative.

"It is full of memories; of vast shadows..."

I struggled a bit, finally deciding that 'it' really does refer to the foam. Nit: the semicolon should probably be a comma.

"... that twist and sing beneath the waves as they hunt."

Similarly, I struggled to decide what 'they' refers to; didn't come up with a candidate.

Nit: I skim inches above the waves['] tips

I'd read on. Good luck with it.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

It is a little diaphanous--perhaps too much.

Posted by Twiggy (Member # 9209) on :

Hi Skadder
I found the dream element of this one detracted from the hook, making the events seem less important.

The last couple of sentences were probably really happening, but the events were so fantastic they felt like part of the dream. Maybe this is just me not getting it.

I like where you're taking me with this but please can you make the journey easier.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Make the journey easier? I'll consider it!

Posted by Twiggy (Member # 9209) on :

I'm chuckling now

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Revised above. [although likely not enough for Twiggy)

Posted by Ethereon (Member # 9133) on :

Thanks for the vocabulary builder skadder (I had to look up "diaphanous") "Delicately hazy" does seem appropriate to a dream sequence. I think your revised 13 maintains this, but the small changes make it read much more clearly.
I am intrigued by the implied crossover between experiences in the dream and experiences in reality. The fact that I'm not entirely sure whether the MC's transformation into a bird is real or dream (or both)is a hook for me.

[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited August 23, 2010).]

Posted by axeminister (Member # 8991) on :

Skadder,
I enjoy your writing, as usual.

There were several echoes. You are very intentional with your writing so you may mean every word in place, but if not, I thought I'd mention it.
The word -waves- was used quite a bit, and the word -already- stuck out.
I know it's an ocean bit, and there are waves, it was just something I noticed.

Axe

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Yeah. Despite knowing about the echoes I couldn't find a satisfactory replacement for waves.

Already was meant to echo. I liked it, but it is a matter of opinion as to whether it works as I intended.

Not all echos are bad. When I post a piece on Hatrack I never mention all the things I think may be wrong with it. It would prejudice people to consider something they may otherwise read past.

For this intro I was concerned it may be too purple and I was concerned about the wave echos. Some of the phrasing felt clumsy, too.

Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :

I don't know. I think the "already" works kind of like a heart beat, and the repetition makes it sound just a little louder each time, building tension.

For me it works in a poetic way, and I'd keep reading.

Posted by bemused (Member # 8465) on :

As Corky said, it is very poetic. This seems like it could almost have been put up for the alliteration challenge. I agree that the minor adjustments make the revised version read smoother and the blending of dream and reality (possibly?) is achieved well. I would keep reading to see what comes of this.

Best line: "The salt stirs memories of vast shadows that twist and sing beneath the waves as they hunt"

Posted by thomaskcarpenter (Member # 9192) on :

First person stories are always challenging. It's hard reduce the POV filter you get stuck in. You do a pretty good job with the 13 lines but there are a few areas you could eliminate the filter.

1) "Already, I feel the sting as bloody feathers rupture though my skin and unfurl in the biting wind."

IMHO, change to:

"The sting of bloody feathers rupture through my skin and unfurl in the biting wind."

2) "I wipe a lock of hair from my eyes."

IMHO, change to:

"The wind pushes a lock of hair from my eyes."

The hard part about first POV is deciding when the "I" word is necessary. I think your opening line "I stand upon the stony..." is important because it places the narrator in the scene. After that you have to decide if its necessary to have the action happen through the narrator or just to describe it.

Posted by Twiggy (Member # 9209) on :

Thanks
This is clearer now, even for me.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Thanks.

Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :

S,

I have a lot of respect for your work, and about 99% of the time I won't comment just because I feel its great enough to stand alone, but I will say something this time, and this comes from a person trained to read Shakespeare - It's very interesting prose, but it took me several times going back over it to understand it, and I'm not sure that's a good thing, because though I enjoy Shakespeare and the challenge of understanding the many interpretation you can get out of one paragraph, it's great to speak, but very hard to enjoy reading. It feels very poetic, as if it has multiple interpretations so each individual line could be spoken as separate entities, so they never really tie together like normal prose, but I'm just letting you know, and I think this is the first time having read other 13's of yours that if the rest of the story continues at this depth for each sentence it would be very hard to absorb. You are a great writer, It did hook me, but also lost me.

Just my 2cents,

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

It's good to disagree.

I haven't written anything beyond what you see...it was really just a quick bit of fun. I know where it will go, but I am just experimenting with it at the moment.

A little poetic prose does hook--unusual word usage and constructions--however I agree...you would need to level out 0n an easier-to-read path fairly quickly or the reader would tire.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited August 25, 2010).]

Posted by Apemantus (Member # 9204) on :

I'm impressed. The moment I read this line, the engine of the story turned on for me: "Sometimes I dream I skim inches above the waves and, with my tongue, I taste their foam." I would have definitely read on.