How has so much time passed? It seemed like a child's ball--blue and muddy--left out over a cold winter's night and sheathed in hoar frost. But it was the Earth; blue oceans and streaks of brown land visible only around the equator, the rest was frozen. An ice age... Jankan felt her lower lip tremble; the truth was there to see. She blinked away the tears. There must be hope, after all, hadn't she survived millennia of sleep? It must be millennia--ice ages didn't happen over night. Perhaps Jack had lived through the years, too--somehow... "Apollo?" She addressed the ship, a brittle edge to her voice. Motes of blue light spun in the air as the ship's avatar formed; a
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 26, 2010).]
Posted by JenniferHicks (Member # 8201) on :
Nice. IMO, you've hit all the main qualifications of a good opening. I really like the ball imagry, and you've introduced a conflict and a main character who has a goal. I'd keep reading. All I have are nitpicks.
-- Cut "cold" (of course winter nights are cold). -- Cut "the" in front of Earth. -- Change "Jankan felt her lower lip tremble" to "Jankan's lower lip trembled." -- Cut "the" in front of "tears."
Posted by thomaskcarpenter (Member # 9192) on :
Good opening. I get a sense of your quality writing, I'm intrigued by the potential problems, and I'm already developing a sense of sympathy for the character.
And agree with Jennifer's nits.
I'll read more if you need it.
Posted by axeminister (Member # 8991) on :
Digg
Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :
Excellent start - definitely a reader.
I agree with what Jennifer said. Also:
quote:There must be hope, after all, hadn't she survived millennia of sleep? It must be millennia--ice ages didn't happen over night. Perhaps Jack had lived through the years, too--somehow...
"There must be hope" is a complete sentence. Furthermore, it is a statement. The next part is a question. It would be better to separate these. I would suggest using a period since you used a semicolon in the previous sentence. Also there shouldn't be a comma after "years" unless you are purposely making a pause. If that is the case you could use "years - too...somehow."
Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :
Oh, and one more thing - not sure about the United Kingdom, but here "overnight" is one word.
Posted by Osiris (Member # 9196) on :
-I loved line 2 in which you compare the child's blue ball to the planet Earth. For me, the "streaks of brown land" did not work, though. It evoked imagery of a dirty window. I might use something like "blue oceans and a belt of brown land...". This would succinctly give us the notion of the land being visible around the equator. You'd have to work in somehow the part about the rest being frozen.
-As mentioned above, we know Jankan would feel her lip tremble if it did so, so be more succinct with "Jankan's lower lip trembled."
- I found "too-somehow..." to be slightly jarring. Maybe "Jack had somehow lived through the years, too".
Overall good start, you have introduced conflict and mystery in your first lines, I would definitely read more to find out both what happened to the earth and why Jankan and Jack have been hibernating for so long.
Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :
Why are Jankan and Jack's names so similar? If there is a reason, awesome, but if not I would consider changing Jack to something else.
But I like it. Are you looking for readers? If so you can send it my way. ~Sheena
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Thanks for reading and commenting. I'll respond to some of the issues:
@JenniferHicks--felt her lower lip tremble versus lower lip trembled. I consciously decided on the first as I thought it was important not to confuse the POV. You may disagree (and may be right!).
@Philo--overnight...yes.
@Shimiqua--just placeholder names...I always seem to go for names beginning with J. No readers yet. I am struggling with a story for an anthology I was invited to submit to.
Thanks t everyone else who took the time to read and comment--all valuable stuff.
Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :
quote:...felt her lower lip tremble versus lower lip trembled. I consciously decided on the first as I thought it was important not to confuse the POV
Not to get into another POV discussion, but I can't imagine that POV should be so strict to not acknowledge an involuntary bodily response in writing. What about voluntary responses like "he tapped his finger" or other involuntary responses like "he doubled-over from the blow"?
Posted by Utahute72 (Member # 9057) on :
I really like the opening. I agree with the last two of Jennifer's nits, but I would disagree with the other two. Anyone who has spent a winter night out knows some are colder than others. "the" earth is commonly used in SciFi.
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
I have one complaint...
Aren't you supposed to be working on another story that has a deadline that is hours away instead? Quit stalling!
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
quote:Not to get into another POV discussion, but I can't imagine that POV should be so strict to not acknowledge an involuntary bodily response in writing. What about voluntary responses like "he tapped his finger" or other involuntary responses like "he doubled-over from the blow"?
I guess the point I am making is that everything before that sentence is either unattributed thought or description from an unknown POV. The first line where the POV gets 'anchored' is the line where I do that...
I'll consider what you've said. I usually edit out 'felts' as they aren't needed...
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Yes..Frank I am about 4k into it and working hard; I'll send it to you probably Friday. The above intro was actually a start of a story for the same antho, but a sci-fi story. I figured it would end up above the 7k limit.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 28, 2010).]