Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Parasite (1100 words)

This is topic Parasite (1100 words) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Swiga Zentraedi (Member # 8990) on :

It was eight a.m. but the swarm of insectoids in the sky sieved the sunlight making it feel more like a cold sunset. I advised the armed forces not to attack because the flying human-like insects had been aware about earth for centuries and if they were hostile, they would have attacked a long time ago.
I was wrong.
By noon, the sky cleared, but only because the creatures were raining onto the earth below devouring every human in sight. I went straight at them as I did with any other threat, but my meteor punches weren’t enough to crack their glossy black exoskeletons. And even though their serrated claws couldn’t tear through my flesh, they were too many and I kept blacking out for short periods from the force of their torrential blows.
The only other time my life was in that much danger was when

Posted by geronl (Member # 9156) on :

That sure gets to the action quickly and I'm not sure the set up is there. Are you in love with the word 'sieved'? Wouldn't 'tinted' or 'darkened the skies' be easier on the reader?

Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :

I'm just going to touch on the first sentence.

It was eight a.m. (break)

The swarm...

"Sieved" breaks the flow of the sentence for me, I feel I would have to explain 'sieved' to the reader by following it with something like 'filtered', but if I had to use it -

example: The swarm of insectoids sieved the sky, filtering sunlight, the temperature plunged. It would be another cold sunset.

Something like that, just an opinion.

Posted by jayazman (Member # 2818) on :

I would get rid of the word 'sieved' as it means to filter through a wire mesh. I just don't see the insects filtering the sunlight through a wire mesh.

The premise is pretty good, but the execution doesn't grab me. This is told in first person, yet I don't get any kind of a feel for the character. The distance in the narration detracts from the telling. This seems like a very distant, high overview of what is happening, third person might work better.

I do like that the story starts with action.

I feel there are inconsistencies in the story. How can this person know that the insects have known about Earth for centuries but not know the insects are hostile? How does this person know about the insects at all? My advice is to rewrite the first sentence, then skip to the third paragraph and rewrite it to give a more personal feeling with the main character.

If you're going to talk about meteor punches, I would like to see what that is a little more. I can't picture it with the limited about of information given here.

The story sounds interesting, don't give up on it.

Posted by Utahute72 (Member # 9057) on :

I think there is a good premise in there, but the style is a little too jerky to get a feel. OSC talks about expository flow and that is what needs work here, arranging the flow in a progression that will draw the reader in. Here you have chunks of ideas, but they need to be strung together with a literary framework that will make them seem like part of a story you're telling. You might want to go back and tell it as if you had a listener and you're trying to relate the experience to them.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

I'm clearly in a minority here as I thought "sieved" was a nice use of language, implying to me a very clear image of just how many of these creatures there were - so many that they appeared to form a very fine mesh.

I'm assuming the MC is some kind of superhero from the "meteor punches". Nevertheless there's a big question with regard to the brisk "I advised the armed forces not to attack..." and then the apparently lack of any real emotion about the fact that the MC turns out to be very very wrong, presumably with fatal consequences for millions.

I think you need to relax a little and let us feel things a touch more - at the moment despite being a first person narrative it's very brisk, distant, more reportage than narration.

Just my opinion. Feel free to reject it.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

I'm with Tcher - I thought "sieved" was very appropriate. It's menacing, implies a grating, cutting sound, and fits nicely with attacks from serrated claws. Keep it.

I am troubled by the protag - at this point I don't have a clue of who or what he is. That needs some faster development, or your reader is going to make soething up in their head, and then be thrown off when you finally let them know who/what he is.

Also, the last line makes it look like you're about to go into a flashback. This may just be an accident of the cut-off, but it feels a bit incongrous with all the action going on at the time.

Posted by Swiga Zentraedi (Member # 8990) on :

Thanks for your replies.

geronl: I'm not sure the setup is there.

Zentraedi: By setup, do you mean that you want to know more about the main character before you see his actions?

walexander: "Sieved" breaks the flow of the sentence for me, I feel I would have to explain 'sieved' to the reader by following it with something like 'filtered',

Zentraedi: If I were to say sieved and follow it with filtered isn't that repeating the same thing? Isn't sieve a synonym for filter?

jayazman: I would get rid of the word 'sieved' as it means to filter through a wire mesh. I just don't see the insects filtering the sunlight through a wire mesh.

Zentraedi: Please refer to sentence one of tchernabyelo's reply.

jayazman: I feel there are inconsistencies in the story. How can this person know that the insects have known about Earth for centuries but not know the insects are hostile? How does this person know about the insects at all?

Zentraedi: The inconsitency is part of the plot. The insects are not supposed to be hostile and the reason is revealed later in the story. And he knows about them because he's an alien who's familiar with and it is all revealed as the story progresses.

jayazman: If you're going to talk about meteor punches, I would like to see what that is a little more. I can't picture it with the limited about of information given here.

Zentraedi: I thought that the words 'meteor' + 'punch' would trigger an image and not need much explanation and if I spent time explaining it, it might detract from the main point of the story. Plus, we are only given thirteen lines to introduce the story and if I used them on that explanation, you might have missed the point.

jayazman: The story sounds interesting, don't give up on it.

Zentraedi: Thank you very much!

Utahute72: I think there is a good premise in there...You might want to go back and tell it as if you had a listener and you're trying to relate the experience to them.

Zentraedi: Yes, will do.

tchernabyelo: I'm clearly in a minority here as I thought "sieved" was a nice use of language, implying to me a very clear image of just how many of these creatures there were - so many that they appeared to form a very fine mesh.

Zentraedi: Thank you!

tchernabyelo: Nevertheless there's a big question with regard to the brisk "I advised the armed forces not to attack..." and then the apparently lack of any real emotion about the fact that the MC turns out to be very very wrong, presumably with fatal consequences for millions.

Zentraedi: A big question indeed. Now I see it, Thanks!

tchernabyelo: I think you need to relax a little and let us feel things a touch more - at the moment despite being a first person narrative it's very brisk, distant, more reportage than narration.

Zentraedi: I wanted to get the reader right into the action and have them gasping for air by the third paragraph. Turns out I'm not very good at that. (Come to think of it, I'm terrible.)

NoTimeToThink: I am troubled by the protag - at this point I don't have a clue of who or what he is. That needs some faster development, or your reader is going to make soething up in their head, and then be thrown off when you finally let them know who/what he is.

Zentraedi: If I spent most of my first 13 explaining who he is, where would I get the space to explain the other stuff vital to the plot? I thought I would explain who the protag is through his actions but I sort of understand where you're coming from.

NoTimeToThink: Also, the last line makes it look like you're about to go into a flashback. This may just be an accident of the cut-off, but it feels a bit incongrous with all the action going on at the time.

Zentraedi: As he's fighting and as he's getting his ass kicked, he remembers a similar situation. I don't go into details, but I mention the situation and that situation is also crucial to the plot. How else would I have tackled it?

Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :

quote:
Zentraedi: If I were to say sieved and follow it with filtered isn't that repeating the same thing? Isn't sieve a synonym for filter?)

Yes it is. What I was elluding to was a difference in feel.

Example - if I stated: I have a mind like a sieve.
It has one feel.

In compared to: I have a mind like a sieve. It filters everything.
This has a different feel because 'filters' clarifies 'sieve'.

Both have there place to drive a story forward.

'Sieved' is a great word, but it's clarity is important. If it's not supported, then it's arrangement in the sentence becomes essential. It's one of those words that the mind natural stops on, and thereby, can break the flow of the sentence. The opening line is very important. You don't want the reader stopping going 'hum, sieved.' It has to flow over them like water, and drive them deeper into the story. So I'm just cautioning about it's arrangement.

It's just a two cent thought. Easily played with, then discarded.

I like anything that has to do with humans getting there but kicked. Interested to see what you do with it.

[This message has been edited by walexander (edited July 16, 2010).]

Posted by Swiga Zentraedi (Member # 8990) on :

Thanks for clarifying walexander. Now I see the error of my ways, sensei.