Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Of the Fittest, Scifi (5000 words)

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Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :

Looking for comments on the first thirteen. Does it hook?

Frankie Norbert didn't know why, but the quality of her day always seemed to revolve around the weight it said on the scale in the morning.
Like two weeks ago, she gained a pound and lost her job, and then three days later, she lost three pounds during the night and then won the lottery. Stuff like that.
She wasn't completely sure if her weight and the actual events were coordinated, but when she weighed herself the last morning, and found a six pound weight gain when she had only eighteen saltines and ginger ale the day before because she read about that diet on the "How to Look like a Celebrity while Eating your Favorite Things" website, well, let's just say she wasn't exactly looking forward to the day ahead.

[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited July 15, 2010).]

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

To be honest, it doesn't quite hook me. The tone is good but for my tastes it lives in just a little too much isolation - there's no real clue as to where it's going other than telling us baldly that "something bad will happen". And I really don't like the MC's name, but that's just a silly personal thing which would not bother me as an editor.

Just my opinion. Feel free to reject it.

Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :

'Norbert' and 'but' seems to break the sentence flow.

Example: Frankie didn't know why the quality of...

The first line made me feel: Another "girl obsessed with her weight" story.

The concept is intriguing, the arrangement and flow need work.

If it was me I would rewrite, but please remember it is only an opinion.

Posted by geronl (Member # 9156) on :

I sure hope this is going to be a funny story because that looks like the set up to a pretty good one. The name of the character kind of throws me off though.

Posted by JenniferHicks (Member # 8201) on :

This sounds like an interesting premise, and I think it can work for a story, but I don't feel engaged by the first 13. I don't feel like I'm there with Frankie while she's stepping onto the scale, her anxiety and hope in conflict as she watches the numbers fluctuate, and her real fear that something weird is something going on with her weight. Put me in her shoes, and I'll be more interested.

Just my opinion. Good luck.

Posted by jayazman (Member # 2818) on :

I'm kind of hooked. The idea sounds interesting, even if it turns out her weight and events are not connected.

The first sentence is awkward, I would try something like "Frankie Norbert didn't know why, but the quality of her day always seemed to revolve around her weight." I just feel it needs to be shorter.
"She wasn't completely sure if her weight and the actual events were coordinated," coordinated doesn't seem to be the right word, I would try connected, or something like that, " but when she weighed herself the last morning (yesterday?), and found a six pound weight gain and found she gained six pounds when she had only eighteen saltines and ginger ale the day before because she read about that diet on the "How to Look like a Celebrity while Eating your Favorite Things" website, well, let's just say she wasn't exactly looking forward to the day ahead." This sentence is way to long, it needs to be broken up, maybe into three sentences.

This also seems a little odd in the story construction. The narration sounds like it is taking place today, telling the story of when she weighed herself yesterday and wasn't looking forward to that day (yesterday) but all those events are known now, so it just comes across as odd. If the story went, she weighed herself this morning and gained six pounds so she wasn't looking forward to today, that just works better for me.

There is a lot of distance between the reader and the character. This is not necessarily a bad thing, especially if this is going to be a comedy. But if you want me to connect with the character, then it is a bad thing.

I am being fairly picky in the structuring and view point etc. because I think this could be a really good story. I would keep reading.

Posted by Utahute72 (Member # 9057) on :

For me it's tough to tell if there is enough there to interest me, but I kept getting pulled out by little things, like starting the second sentence with Like, seemed a little to odd there. Also when you say "the scale said" is it talking or did she read the dial, remember in SF it can talk. I also had a problem with the last morning, seemed odd, maybe if you were going for a colloquial phrase, but that probably is odd since it's what she's thinking, maybe just use yesterday.

Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :

Thanks everyone, I think it's time for a rework on this one.
~Sheena

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

If you're looking for readers you can send it to me.

Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :

Just a suggestion - consider first person, and immediately start with the last weeks of looking down at the scale with surprising outcomes for each day.

Posted by thomaskcarpenter (Member # 9192) on :

I liked the idea of it, but the execution didn't grab me. I think scene needs to be more immediate. Can still get the same information out.

Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :

Okay, this is my first comment here so hopefully everything works, and I don't say something in a way I'm not supposed to.

I see you have a bunch of comments already but I kinda liked your 13 lines. I believe this will be an interesting idea but there are a couple of problems as I see them.

I hate to say it like this but that first sentence has to be redone. The "it said on the scale" makes it very clumsy. Second thing that got my attention is the long sentences. I've studied Openings and usually they are short, to the point, type of sentences. I've seen the type of remark, you have in the last sentence, in a few stories but I think that needs to be a sentence by itself.

I said I think and as I see them on purpose, I've read a lot, including books and posts on writing, but my writing isn't doing much right now.