Hatrack River Writers Workshop: A Destroyer, a Protector-fantasy-5,200 words

This is topic A Destroyer, a Protector-fantasy-5,200 words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=004025

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

New project, my second ever attempt at first-person narrative. Tell me what you think. As always, also looking for readers for when its finished.

I’d raised my hands and just began to speak the words of a spell to sheer the thick fur off the animal before me, when an old man emerged from the house nearby.
“My sheep!” he screamed. “What in all the Gods have you done to my poor sheep!”
I looked around me. The bodies of many of these animals, these sheep it seems they were called, lay around me. I’d never seen them before. They were like the goats I was so familiar with, but their hair was very different. I’d wished to learn if they were as different on the inside, so I’d opened some of them up with spells.
They were even more like goats on the inside. So, I’d amused myself with more experiments. Fire, acid, lightning, I

Second version, achieved by basically starting about 400 words later

People smiled at me as I walked into the town, waving in greeting, making me welcome. I responded to a few, but as ever the Red Road danced before my mind in a myriad of strange and beautiful shapes, a ladder of flames, a lightning-serpent, a river of blood. It took much of my attention.
I stopped at a stall laden with fruits. Many of them were unfamiliar to me and I was famished, so I grabbed a large, round purple fruit and bit into it. The flesh and juice were bright red, sweet and tangy. I ate the entire fruit in moments and grabbed a small, waxy yellow one.
“That’ll be two bronze pieces for the ellem fruit,” a voice said from the other side of the stall. “And a copper for that nomel in your hand.”

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited July 16, 2010).]

Posted by Sixbells (Member # 8610) on :

Interesting concept, the first sentence is too long and needs to be trimmed, but I liked the idea, I would read on.

Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :

Very intriguing. I like the MC's sudden alien-ness when we find out what he's doing and why. But I'm also curious as to why he would think that the sheep would be that different from goats. When I saw a yak up close and personal for the first time I didn't question that it was probably similar to a cow or ox on the inside. So it makes me wonder who this MC is and why he seems so out of place.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

He's a character you've met before genevive, a good deal further on in his life than this is.

And you're right, to an extent...I'm sort of feeling my way through the motivations as I go. To some extent he is in fact curious, but to some extent he also just likes to blow up/dissect/destroy things in as many different ways as possible...

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

My take...

quote:
I’d raised my hands and just began to speak the words of a spell to sheer the thick fur off the animal before me, when an old man emerged from the house nearby.

Suggest you change just began to speak to 'spoke'. You could probably cut the before me as well. Other than that I like it. Type of fast start openings that I gravitate to.

quote:
“My sheep!” he screamed. “What in all the Gods have you done to my poor sheep!”

Funny. By all means keep this.

quote:
I looked around me.

cut 'me'.

quote:
The bodies of many of these animals, these sheep it seems they were called, lay around me. I’d never seen them before.

The second sentence may confuse some. It sounds as if he didn't notice their corpses until that moment. Perhaps...

I'd never seen anything like them before.

quote:
They were like the goats I was so familiar with, but their hair was very different.

Suggest you trim 'I was so familiar with'.

As far as the rest, you may want to write it as dialog. Make him explain his actions to the farmer. At least give it a try, you may find you like it better.

I like what you have here, Merlion. Not to bad for someone that doesn't like humor. Well done.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

I like most of your suggestions. Like I say, I've only done first person once before, and it was ages ago so its sort of new territory. I figure, everyone is so big on super close 3rd where its practically first person anyway, lets just do first and get it over with.

Its not really meant to be funny though. Of course, yeah, any mention of sheep tends to lighten the mood, but a few lines down, Zerieth basically draws and quarters the farmer...

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Sounds like your MC is a villian, which may make him unlikeable. Peppering your story with bits of humor (as you did in the opening) could negate the unlikeability factor.

Little passages that make the reader grin go a long way on getting a reader to keep reading.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

He isn't precisely a villain. He is, at this point in his life, a very...strange character. He isn't an evil person but this story is in fact the story of him changing his worldview goals and behaviour totally and completely. I don't really anticipate anything especially humorous happening from here on in, but you never know.

For most of the story however he will definitely be unlikeable and probably hard for most to relate to, but thats basically what this story is about. I know that will turn some people off, but some stories arent for everyone. I just hope I can pull it all of convincingly as his mindset is definitely a little odd.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

So he sounds clueless. Equipped with a power that he has, clueless can be dangerous. You can also use that same cluelessness to elict a chuckle or two. I don't mean the set up and punchline Ha-Ha, but more of the situational humor, just as you did.

Good luck!

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

I find it very odd that the MC is "very familiar" with goats, yet has never seen a sheep before and considers them sufficiently different to want to check their insides. There's clearly a lot for the reader to learn about the MC, as well as for the MC to learn about... well, everything that isn't a sheep or a magic spell.

I'm not a fan of magic that can apparently be tossed around so carelessly and easily but that's just personal. I find it always begs more questions than it possibly answers, and if there's no apparent cost/limit to magic powers then n particular it begs the question of what can threaten the MC and provide conflict in the story.

One spelling mistake - it should be shear, not sheer. And the opening sentence - it's not entirely clear but I think it should be "just begun" not "just began" (because it's "I'd raised" - pluperfect - rather than "I raised" - simple past/aorist, so the "I had" continues to the second verb implicitly). "I'd raised... and was just beginning" would also be valid.

Just my opinion. Feel free to reject it.

[This message has been edited by tchernabyelo (edited June 21, 2010).]

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

Getting caught up (almost) on my crits. I'll read it when it's finished.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

quote:
I find it very odd that the MC is "very familiar" with goats, yet has never seen a sheep before and considers them sufficiently different to want to check their insides.

Its mostly that he doesn't need much of an excuse to blow up/burn/electrocute/dismember/disintegrate things.

quote:
I'm not a fan of magic that can apparently be tossed around so carelessly and easily but that's just personal. I find it always begs more questions than it possibly answers, and if there's no apparent cost/limit to magic powers then n particular it begs the question of what can threaten the MC and provide conflict in the story.

Well...he hasnt really done much at this stage. And it does have costs and limits. But I'm somewhat the oposite. I'm not real big on magic as a big unnatural thing that is inherently dangerous and inemical. I see magic as very natural a potential all sentients possess. I do like some stories in the other vein, but I rarely write them.

In this particular world, the cost is usually much like that of any other exertion...fatigue and exhaustion. Really powerful spells do require more preperation, ritual etc. And the Roads limit what sort of effects a given mage can do...Zerieth being Red Road can blow stuff up real easy, but a lot of other things are difficult or impossible. Red is also about impulse and desire, hence the careless attitude.

quote:
One spelling mistake - it should be shear, not sheer. And the opening sentence - it's not entirely clear but I think it should be "just begun" not "just began" (because it's "I'd raised" - pluperfect - rather than "I raised" - simple past/aorist, so the "I had" continues to the second verb implicitly). "I'd raised... and was just beginning" would also be valid.

Yeah I wasn't sure about that. I do have a little trouble at times reconciling person and tense and stuff and first person is so unfamiliar.

I may end up scrapping this whole little bit with the sheep and moving it forward a bit. I was trying to be grabby in the begining, since my other idea was a little slower but I may have a better one. Should be interesting to see peoples reaction to this story as, at this point, Zerieth is rather an odd character...

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Added an alternate intro

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Which I think is a lot better at setting up the character and his state of mind.

One thing that is a nit but always really really irritates me - please name your coinage. I'm not aware of a single earth historical culture that didn't name coins, and calling them things like "copper" and "bronze" just smacks of the generic background of a role-playing game. You give your fruits names, and rightly so - why not coinage?

Just my opinion. Feel free to reject it.

Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :

I like the second. It flows.

quote:
a voice said from the other side of the stall.

Sounds like the person is invisible in front of them? If not, you might change or add direction.

examp: A voice resonated from below the other side of the stall.

or spice it: A voice resonated from beyond the stale, devoid of its maker.

Something like that. Just a thought,

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Finished at long last. Could I get WIP replaced with 5,200 words?

Any volunteers for a read?

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited July 27, 2010).]

Posted by thomaskcarpenter (Member # 9192) on :

I'll take a read on it. I just finished a 110k novel using first person, so it would be nice to see how others tackle the POV and also to pass on anything I might have learned.

Tom

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

I think I already volunteered up above.