Hatrack River Writers Workshop: IGHOP (2600 fantasy)

This is topic IGHOP (2600 fantasy) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=004009

Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :

2600 words fantasy. Looking for readers as well as comments on the first thirteen. It's a milieu story.

It was an IHOP, technically. Same kind of place as in any town. Tables, chairs, desk up front with semi-disinterested wait staff, and shelves near the doors stock full of bits of fluff hocked to the rubes. The differences were subtle, like, the color of the walls was a bit darker, the food cooked itself while the wait staff leaned against the glass wall and talked about The Bachelor, and high on the roof, between the large metal I and the letter H was a small hand painted G. This was no regular International House of Pancakes, this was an Inter-Galactic House of Pancakes.
A blond woman entered while talking on a cell phone. I would tell you what she said, but she put a sound snuffer on the call, so all I know was it was important. Man, she was beautiful.

Thanks!
~Sheena

Posted by TrishaH24 (Member # 8673) on :

I don't have anything useful to say. It's really good. Send this to me NOW! lol No, seriously, I'd love to read this!

Trisha

Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :

I love the voice. I would definitely read on.

Here are my nits.

quote:
It was an IHOP, technically. Same kind of place as in any town. Tables, chairs, desk up front with semi-disinterested wait staff, and shelves near the doors stock full of bits of fluff hocked to the rubes. (It might just be me cause I haven't been to IHOP, but I have no idea what the italicized part means) The differences were subtle, like, the color of the walls was a bit darker, the food cooked itself while the wait staff leaned against the glass wall and talked about The Bachelor, and high on the roof, between the large metal I and the letter H was a small hand painted G. This was no regular International House of Pancakes,(my grammar is far from perfect, but I think there should be a semi-colon here instead of a comma) this was an Inter-Galactic House of Pancakes.
A blond woman entered while talking on a cell phone. I would tell you what she said (I'm not a big fan of addressing the reader, but I'll keep reading to see if there is a good reason for this), but she put a sound snuffer on the call, so all I know was it was important. Man, she was beautiful.

Obvious I had to look really hard to find any complaints. I'm willing to read the whole thing if you are looking for readers.

Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :

I'll read it.

What are rubes? I have been to lots of IHOPs but I don't get what "bits of fluff hocked to the rubes" means. I like it though.

Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

I wouldn't worry too much about the "hocked to the rubes" bit other than I think it should be "to hock to the rubes." As it stands, the sentence shows that the crap has already been sold instead of showing that the junk is there to be sold. Of course, you could change "hock" to "sell" or "pawn off" but I'm not convinced you need to. As for rubes...good ol' Bugs knew his rubes. I think the word is perfect.

Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :

Thanks everybody. I love the word rubes. It's what circus people call their marks (which is what wrestlers call their fooled audience), and in this story I use rubes in a way similar to muggles.

I'll send it to Satate, Map, and Tricia today. Please watch out for present past tense shifts. That is my Achilles heel.

Babooher, do you want to read? Good catch on the to hock to the rubes. I like that better.

~Sheena

Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :

I'll give it a read. Send it on through.

Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

Sure, send it.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Send it to me too, I dont promise speed but it looks interesting.