Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Mermaid's Brush--fantasy

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Posted by valeriejka (Member # 9084) on :

Sophia reached her arms above her head in a languorous stretch and yawned. “It’s time for a break,” she said. “Let’s see what Aunt Gertrude has sent us this time.”
Elliana looked up from the loaf she was wrapping. “You mean, let’s see what she has sent me,” she reminded her younger sister. “The package is not addressed to you.” She brushed a stray lock back from her face. “It must be something for my birthday. Anyway, we still have work to do.”
Sophia made a face, then shrugged. “The baking’s done. Mother’s not here. We can spare a few moments to see what she sent us—sorry, you,” she amended hastily.
The package in question was sitting on a shelf in the back room of the bakery, where Elliana had placed it next to the extra

[This message has been edited by valeriejka (edited April 29, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 02, 2010).]

Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :

I like the opening and the characters seem interesting.

I'm not sure on the POV here though. Who is your main POV character is it Sophia or Elliana. Whoever it is I think this opening could be strengthened by adding in a little internal thinking. How does the main POV feel or think about what is going on? I want a little feel of their attitude. The last line starts to go into some internal dialog but I had thought I was in Sophia's POV and then it's Elliana. Are you using third omnipotent or third close?

For me the biggest element missing is any conflict. I'm assuming there must something really interesting in Aunt Gerturde's package. You could either beef up a little suspense by letting us know Aunt Gertrude sends unusual gifts, or you could just skip to when they open it. Right now I think this opening works better for a novel than a short story.

Good luck with this it sounds like it could be pretty neat.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

THe sentence structure and voice are generally smooth, though the dialogue feels a litte bit precise between sisters and has a touch of "as you know, Bob" to it.

My main concern is that the story isn't really moving. Yes, they have received a package, and presumably the story is triggered by the contents... in which case, why not start with the moment they actually open it, rather than a conversation prior to that point? I accept you are establishing (to an extent) character and setting - but you can do this while doing other things as well.

Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :

I agree with the opinions above. I'd go a little further and pick out a couple of examples

Sophia reached her arms above her head in a languorous stretch and yawned
This isn't a solid first sentence for me. It didn't strike my interest - more the opposite, suggesting that (should I be stepping into the shoes of the character) I should be falling asleep.
Considering that the narrative is hinting at some tension (what's in the parcel?) perhaps we need an opening that says exactly that, with a little nervous tension to boot.

I agree with the POV question - when I got to Elliana finished wrapping the loaf, and turned her eyes to the solitary parcel I wondered if we'd meant to switch to Elliana, or whether I'd mistakenly assumed a POV of Sophia, or whether we wanted to head-hop on purpose, in which case I missed having a strong narrator's voice to guide me.

Lastly, I didn't understand why the following reference needed to be made:
where Elliana had placed it next to the extra muffins. The muffins were gone, sold to fishermen to take to sea,
since it draws me out of the "now" of the story (wait, okay, so she was doing something before, it was making muffins, etc etc), and lacking an immediate reason for caring (or not) about the muffins, my attention was drawn away from the story and to them.

Overall nice though, I'd have kept reading a little longer, waiting for something to happen.

Posted by valeriejka (Member # 9084) on :

Thanks for all your input!

How is this version?

Elliana looked up from the loaf she was wrapping as her sister reached her arms above her head in a languorous stretch and yawned. “It’s time for a break,” Sophia said. “Let’s see what Aunt Gertrude has sent us this time.”
“You mean, let’s see what she has sent me,” Elliana said pointedly. Sophia was always trying to borrow her things. “The package is not addressed to you.” She brushed a stray lock back from her face. “It must be something for my birthday. Anyway, we still have work to do.”
Sophia made a face, then shrugged. “The baking’s done. Mother’s not here. We can spare a few moments to see what she sent us—sorry, sent you,” she amended hastily.
Truth to tell, Elliana was just as eager as Sophia to see what

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 02, 2010).]

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Valeriejka,

While the writing is tighter (and this is something you did well in the first place) and you've clarified the POV, it's still lacking conflict, a real problem or an inciting incident in the 1st 13. There's a very minor conflict (Sophie wanting to open the package versus Elliana), but it's easily resolved. Getting to the true starting point of the story seems easy in this case; we start at the opening of the package and fill in backstory as we go. Is there a reason you've delayed this?

Nick

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

I like your writing, you just need to "quicken" it a bit, to get to the action. You can either start with the opening of the package, as NickT suggested, or have Elliana more distracted about wanting to open the package, so she's driven by her own interest in it (which you expressed later in the 1st 13). Does her sister realy have to be the one to push for the opening?

Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :

I'd have to agree with Nick and NoTime. While the POV is a little tighter, everything else is basically the same.

Also you don't need the first sentence in the second paragraph, "Truth to tell, Elliana was just as eager as Sophia to see what their flighty Great-Aunt Gertrude had sent her." The added information about flighty Great-Aunt Gertrude is good but we already know Elliana is really eager, in fact she seems more eager than Sophia. We get her eagerness in the very beginning.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

I'm not sure lines like "She brushed a stray lock away from her face" add anything - it slows down the dialogue and I'm not sure it's a significant enough gesture to illuminate character or mood. You're writing cinematically and that doesn't always work.

I also have a question - when is this set? I'm getting a bit of a clash between muffins, which I broadly think of as a modern concept (they did exist prior to their 70s resurgence, but were a "consume immediately" item as without preservatives they would go stale very very quickly), and the "townspeople and fisher-folk", terms that make this feel as if it's set in the past (or a fantasy-past cognate).

Posted by valeriejka (Member # 9084) on :

Thanks very much for all your input. You've given me a lot to think about!

Posted by TrishaH24 (Member # 8673) on :

I think the style you are writing in makes this work. You are consistant and write in a specific voice. I could be wrong here, but I am getting fantasy from this. Or at least set a century or two before present day. I think it's they way you write that gives it that feel. Words like "languorous" and phrases like "Truth to tell" and the idea that Elliana is wrapping a loaf (of bread, I presume). They all feel either "olden days" or like something out of a fantasy. (The name Elliana is another thing that made me think fantasy.)

I like it. I think if you change too much, you'll be throwing off your writerly voice.

Posted by valeriejka (Member # 9084) on :

Well, I've finished "The Mermaid's Brush". Is anybody willing to read it?

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi,

How long is it? There's a big difference is critting 1,000 versus 10,000 words obviously.

Nick

Posted by valeriejka (Member # 9084) on :

It's just under 4,000 words.

Here is the new and improved intro:

Elliana looked up from the loaf she was wrapping as the bakery door swung shut behind her mother.
“She’s gone!” Sophia exclaimed. “Let’s see what Aunt Gertrude has sent us.”
“You mean, let’s see what she has sent me,” Elliana said pointedly as she reached for the package hidden on a back shelf. Sophia was always trying to borrow her things. “The package is not addressed to you. It must be something for my birthday.”
Sophia made a face, then shrugged. “Mother will probably just take it away from you anyhow.”
The package had been brought by the peddler that morning. The goddess’ luck had been with her, for Mother had been busy in the back room.

[This message has been edited by valeriejka (edited May 06, 2010).]

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi,

I'll have a shot, though I'm not quick.

Nick

[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited May 06, 2010).]

Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :

I like the new intro. It moves along at a better pace and the tension went up a notch too.

Posted by sjsampson (Member # 8075) on :

quote:
Elliana looked up from the loaf she was wrapping as the bakery door swung shut behind her mother.
“She’s gone!” Sophia exclaimed. “Let’s see what Aunt Gertrude has sent us.”

This had me thinking the mother had entered and Aunt Gertrude had left on my first read. It's because Elliana looks up when the door shuts that I believe someone has entered. "She's gone!" should have indicated to me that the mother left, but the first time through I thought Sophia was the mother entering, and thus Aunt Gertrude had left.

Obviously, I figured it out. Other than the beginning confusion, I liked it. Go ahead and send, but I won't be able to get it back to you right away. I am going out of town this weekend.