Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Survival of the Fittest SF-WIP

This is topic Survival of the Fittest SF-WIP in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

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[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited April 02, 2010).]

Posted by axeminister (Member # 8991) on :

I definitely like the futuristic feel. Lenses in the eyes, headlines appearing on them...

A few quick items.

It felt odd to have headlines and protesters start up in the same sentence. One is inanimate, no? Just felt like an odd pairing.

Capitalize the word Evolution. Since Evo is cap'd, shouldn't the full use of the word be? I only bring that up because it took my third reading to make the connection.

Small stuff from me. Definitely sounds interesting enough to want to keep reading.

Axe

Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :

Here were my thoughts as I read:

Outside my window, I saw protestors lining up in front of the Offworld Embassy. - This felt like it could have been a more active beginning. Like instead of just "seeing them", the protesters could be doing something that we see through the character's eyes. Something like "In the street below my little office window in the Offworld Embassy, protesters yelled and paced and threw things. etc.

Way to start the morning. - You don't need this. If you do the first sentence right, we will know how he feels about the protesting.

I always got nervous when the protesters started up. Didn't take much to get Americans hot for Evo blood. Not that being a hound was even considered an evolution, but one can never have too much self preservation. - Really liked this. Wouldn't be a bad opening line...

It was always for the same reasons too, a sapien was either,stray comma? killed or bested by an Evo. - I think I get what you are saying here, but its awkward and I read it twice.

At the vanity I removed a new set of lenses from the incubator and inserted them into my eyes.-Vanity? Aren't those usually in bathrooms?

In the bottom right-side of my vision, updates and headlines appeared. The one most likely causing the protest outside caught my attention. State Prosecutor Found Dead In Home: Evidence Points Evo. Now I had something to be nervous about--the State Prosecutor was about to prosecute my clente, Gentry Evans.- This is fine

As it stands, I probably wouldn't read on. Mostly because of a few bland or confusing sentences that make my attention stray. You have a cool idea though, so don't blow it by ejecting me in the open!

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

quote:
Outside my window, I saw protestors lining up in front of the Offworld Embassy. Way to start the morning.

I’d actually cut the first two sentences, I think “I always get nervous when the protestors started up” is actually a good opening line.

quote:
It was always for the same reasons to, a sapien was either, killed or bested by an Evo.

Minor typo.

quote:
At the vanity I removed a new set of lenses from the incubator and inserted them into my eyes

.
Probably implied that they’re going into the eyes if they’re lenses (maybe call them contact lenses and you can cut the bolded section?)

quote:
Now I had something to be nervous about--the State Prosecutor was about to prosecute my clente, Gentry Evans

Minor typo…and why is “prosecute” in italics?
I have some reservations, but I’d read on.

Posted by MistWolf (Member # 9049) on :

I would suggest that the character had already read the article about the deader. It will be a better cause & effect tie in for the gathering mob.

"Outside my window, I saw protesters" is awkward. Is the character outside it's window? Is the character inside the Embassy? "From my window, I saw protesters..."

Somehow the phrase "but one can never have too much self preservation" feels awkward.

However, if this awkwardness is the character's voice, ignore the last two comments.

The opening would be more interesting if there was more action on the part of the protesters. Also the headlines should scream.

"Prosecutor Murdered! Police Suspect Evo Conspiracy!"

It would also have the added benefit of showing what was stirring up the sapiens

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Sorry, but the typos/spelling erros and grammar issues made it impossible for me to judge this objectively as a story.

I'll comment more if you post a cleaned up version, but if you don't care enough about your opening to proof-read it, I don't care enough to analyse it. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.

Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

Well Ttchernabyelo, I suffer from dyslexia and In the village where I am studying, I am about the only person that can write in English. That is part of the reason I post for feedback because I have difficulty spotting those issues sometimes, but I really don't care...whether you offer feedback or not that is. It is easy enough to determine those that are actually here to help each other with their weaknesses from those who are here to stroke their own egos by pointing them out.
Actually don't do me any favors in pointing them out.You are right. I was diligent enough to get a masters degree, I can invest enough energy in making sure my posts are legible.

Axe, Mistwolf, Allied five, and Nick-- Thank you for your feedback. Most of you already know I appreciate your time and opinions.

[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited April 02, 2010).]

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Well, know I know you have dyslexia and (presumably) English isn't your first language, I can make allowances. But I didn't know that, did I? All I had - all ANY reader EVER has - is what they can see in front of them. And I saw spelling/typographical and grammar errors.

Do you really think anyone uses this site to stroke their own ego? Seriously? How would that work, exactly?