Hatrack River Writers Workshop: A Cloud In Sight -- take 2

This is topic A Cloud In Sight -- take 2 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Thank you to everyone that posted a comment on the previous version. I have two more. They are quite different. the first is a reworking of the one that I posted yesterday. The second is set earlier in the story.
Comments are welcomed and appreciated.

Version 1

quote:
Riding in an airship is supposed to be a quiet and smooth experience. The maiden voyage of Tesla’s Legacy was the furthest thing from smooth and anything but quiet for Elizabeth.
Even with a thick wall and a sealed door, the hum of the power plant – that took up most of the gondola - rattled and vibrated the cockpit. An hour out from Tesla’s hangar at Edward’s airbase and Elizabeth could already feel a migraine creeping in.
“Beautiful day for a flight,” said Ben Hurley, Elizabeth’s pilot and last minute replacement. “Not a cloud in sight.”
“There hasn’t been a cloud in sight in months,” she shouted. “It’s one those odd side effects that come with a drought.”

Version 2

quote:
Sebastian and five hand picked members from Mother Earth’s Advocates stood around the old TV and watched Tesla’s Legacy rise off the tarmac. The revolutionary blimp was heading to the Pacific in the early morning light. Its silver skin with rings of copper made it look like a cheap Christmas ornament.
Terry pointed at a dish set on a crane under the gondola.
“Is that the fish fryer?”
Sebastian nodded. “That’s the high-intensity microwave beam. It’s gonna kick out a couple of gigajoules of power to evaporate the ocean for that whore’s anti-Earth cloud maker.”
A picture of Doctor Elizabeth Eidenshink flashed on the screen. Jennifer walked up to the TV and spat on her smiling face.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 15, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited March 16, 2010).]

Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :

The second drew me in more, posing more questions and suggesting a stronger speculative element, but the first seemed centered on a strong pov character.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

What I'm seeing as the root problem here - and I might be wrong - is that there is not a logical progression of ideas here. In the first example that is.

If you do have a logical progression, the reader will "feel" that even if he doesn't notice it consciously.

Your second version does have more of a logical progression but somehow it doesn't catch my interest.

[

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 16, 2010).]

Posted by billawaboy (Member # 8182) on :

Version 1:
Reads okay. the name Ben Hurley made me think of the TV Show LOST. I wondered why I needed to know that Ben was Elizabeth's pilot and last replacement - rather than just that he's the pilot. This might be due to me coming with fresh reader's eyes - I have no idea of how you see it as an incoming reader. To me it seemed like extra info not need at that point in the story. But it might be needed.

Version 2:
Reads really well. The only thing that confused me was the dish-crane under the gondola. I thought gondolas were boats on water - is the dish under water? I didn't realize until looking it up that it also meant a passenger area under an airship. So a warning that some of your readers may make a "huh?"-face when they read that. Otherwise version 2 is pretty good, it does seem to have more drama than version 1 at this point.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

The first version didn't work for me much better than the original. I'm still not clear on who Elizabeth is and in particular why she's aboard (the fact hat the pilot is her last-minute replacement makes me go "huh?" - why, if she's been replaced, is she still there?). And the last line about no clouds being an "odd side effect" of drought - whu? A couple of points: you set this in LA, which gets (usually) no rain - and often no cloud - for six solid months of the year (April-November). LA is basically desert, underneath the city. And surely everyone understand the connection between clouds and rain? If there's a drought, you would not expect clouds! So presumably she is being sarcastic. Maybe he is, too. But as an exchange, it just doesn't seem to help with the story.

Now the second opening gives a different perspective. It's much more informative, it invests us with characters (albeit apparently hateful ones) while giving us much more of an idea about what's going on (though through a bit of "as you know, Bob" dialogue). Though I'm still not sure that it makes much sense - evaporation from the ocean is happening all the time, right off the California coast, but it doesn't stop LA being desert; there are other effects that achieve that.

I am not convinced the launch of the blimp is the right place to start this story. I can see why you chose it - it is a "moment of change" in that the blimp is there to try and end the drought - but in fact the real "moments of change" are either the start of the drought; the invention of the device; or the switching on of the device. The blimp is actually an incidental between two of those moments.

Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :

The 2nd version was the hookier for me. Probably because it centers on people instead of a "ride on a blimp".

I also think that tchernabyelo is on to something. Is this your inciting incident? What is special about this particular environmental abuse that makes it THE story in your character's life?

I'd keep reading version 2 to find out.

Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

I thought the second version was just awkward. The ideas behind it aren't bad, but the sentences are a mouthful. I think you could reorganize so that it flows better.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Thanks everyone,

Going to rip these up and try again.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

I prefer version 2: more tension and conflict. It also let's us know why Elizabeth is in the airship.