Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Telepaths-sf-about 10k words

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Posted by alittleofeverything (Member # 8024) on :

Hello Hatrackers! It's been a while. Life got a hold of me and I haven't been writing as much as I'd like to. Here's the opening of a story I'm working on for my senior project for college. You may have seen an earlier version I posted on here. It's changed a lot since then! I'd like comments on the first page and readers for the whole thing. Thanks!
---
“Amanda!”

She was being shaken. She slowly opened her eyes, then shut them against the sunlight streaming through the bedroom window. Pulling a cover over her head, she mumbled “Where am I?”

“Amanda! Get up! You got to get out of here!”

She peeked out from under the cover at her friend. Her kinky black hair was flying every which way as she tried to shake Amanda awake. Fear and desperation showed in her deep brown eyes.

“Mercedes, what's going on?”

“My stupid mother called your parents! They'll be here any minute!”

Amanda swore as she leapt out of bed. Another home lost to her telepathy.

As she dashed out through the kitchen, she was stopped by the

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 10, 2010).]

Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :

This seems a bit more than 13 lines.

quote:
“Amanda!”(1)
She was being shaken. She slowly opened her eyes,(2) then shut them against the sunlight streaming through the bedroom window. Pulling a cover over her head, she mumbled “Where am I?”
“Amanda! Get up! You got to get out of here!”(3)
She peeked out from under the cover at her friend. Her kinky(4) black hair was flying every which way as she tried to shake Amanda awake. Fear and desperation(5) showed in her deep brown eyes.
“Mercedes, what's going on?”
“My stupid mother called your parents!(6) They'll be here any minute!”
Amanda swore as she leapt out of bed. Another home lost to her telepathy.(7)

1) I'm often looking for a memorable opening line; this unattributed dialogue raises a question (who's speaking?) which makes me stop and scratch my head a bit too early.

2) I'm very wary of waking-up openings. Other discussions might explain why.

3) I didn't mind the grammar of this dialogue, as it could be that that's the way Mercedes talks. However, I felt this conflict was artificial, or forced. I didn't care about it, rather, I felt detached from it. Perhaps that's because Amanda doesn't appear to care, and if she doesn't, why should I? And unfortunately if I don't, I stop reading.

4) Kinky, at least where I come from, can have a double meaning which you may not be intending.

5) The other character has the tension, not the pov character. I really think we should be seeing Amanda react much more lively. The opening feels kind of ... sleepy? If that's the intention, perhaps it's aimed at a different audience, someone more interested in such a languid approach?

6) This might mean something to Amanda, but I don't understand its relevance so I can't get attached to whatever tension is being implied.

7) The telepathy does sound like a potential hook, but because I can't see any possible link between everything that's gone before and this sentence, it seems to come out of nowhere and I'm nonplussed.

Posted by redapollo9 (Member # 9012) on :

Hi there

I agree that the beginning seemed a little sleepy. For me, it wasn't too much of a turn off, though. I appreciated the imagery. I felt like I could feel her waking up.

Also, the action became faster within a few lines as she 'leapt out of bed,' so I wouldn't say that the introducing lines set the stage for the rest of the first 13. In fact, I kind of enjoyed the contrast between the sleepy-ness of the first few lines and the frantic-ness of the rest of the intro. Nevertheless, it might be worth thinking about just starting the story immediately with her leaping out of bed and going from there.

Also, I was hooked by the fact that her parents seemed to be chasing her and that it had to do with her telepathy. I would keep reading.

finally,

quote:
Pulling a cover over her head, she mumbled “Where am I?”

This line just got caught in my throat on the way down. Can't really say why.

[This message has been edited by redapollo9 (edited March 10, 2010).]

Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :

It seems that rather than waking up you can start a few moments later. Consider starting with Amanda huriedly getting dressed, or putting on her shoes. Then her thoughts can fill us in while she's doing that and her friend can still insert some, 'hurry up' lines.

Ex:

Amanda pulled on her jeans and buttoned them as quickly as she could. She watched the monitor that showed the front walk of the apartment building. Her parents were talking to the security guard. Damn her telepathy for giving her away again. She grabbed her socks, stuffed them into her shoes and prepared to evacuate the premises barefoot.
"Hurry," Mercedes said, "they're at the corner." Worry creased her face. "I am going to be in so much trouble."
blah blah, more stuff in her thoughts as to what brought her to this point, etc.

This was just a quickie to show how a later start might work and give you an opportunity to get more info and context into the opening. I hope you don't mind. It's just an idea.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Hard to disagree with what's already been said - both a dialogue and waking-up opening are problematical in terms of immersing the reader. They are temptingly easy to write becase superficially waking up is a moment of change, and a natural "beginning" - but not necessarily the right beginning of the story. What is the actual moment of change here? Why is this story beginning at this point? You hint that her telepathy has somehow triggered an event - but you also indicate that the same event has happened before, so is this necessarily the triggering event for your story? Not knowing where it' going from here, I can't be sure, but it is something I feel you should think about.

Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

At least the waking up and dialogue is coupled with some action and tension. I still support what others have said, but it isn't the worst I've seen.

Also right now it looks like mature parenting caused the loss of her home, not parenting. I'm just being a fuddy duddy about this.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

1) Slow start to your story. You could remove the first 2 paragraphs and lose nothing. The waking up is dragging the action, and what tension you are trying to build with Mercedes' panic is undone by Amanda:

quote:
She peeked (not sure this is the right word for someone being shaken awake - don't know if I could peek) out from under the cover at her friend. Her kinky black hair (description slowing action)was flying every which way as she tried to shake Amanda awake. Fear and desperation showed in her deep brown eyes.(again, description slowing action)

2) We don't get to the speculative part (telepathy) until the end, and I'm clueless to what it has to do with anything that's happening. And it feels like I'm going to wind up hearing about it in a flashback or some "now I'll catch you up" exposition. Maybe this isn't where the story should start?
3) Actually, I think this is a realistic portrayal of what it might feel like to be awakened in a rush, but realistic doesn't mean interesting. Try to emphasize what's important to the story.

Posted by billawaboy (Member # 8182) on :

I think this really works - with a couple of very specific things that might need work. The wake-up scene doesn't bother me - i didn't even notice until it was pointed out.

1) the 2nd line of third paragraph uses pronouns to refer to two different girls in the 1st line and it confused me a bit. not sure if everyone feels that way - might be just me. Try: "Mercedes' kinky black hair flew every which way as she shook Amanda awake." Note: passive voice "was flying" changed to "flew"

2) assuming this is a children's/YA novel - having a kid refer to her mother as stupid might balk some readers. But I also bring this to attn partly because it feels unrealistic, it might be true of some spolied brat or an abused or neglected kid. To me it sounded that Mercedes has bigger issues with her Mom than just being angry calling someone's parents - which might be the case...

3)There might be something to dropping the first two paragraphs - but IMO it doesnt add or subtract by being removed.

The line about the telepathy is the whole hook (unless you want to get really creative with what two girls in the same room without their parents knowledge are worried about.) Yes, I know Amanda is most likely a runaway kid being ostracized for her telepathy and a friend helps her out. All that immediately begs the question: did they already know of her telepathy or did she do something wired while she was asleep like talk into mercedes mom's mind? Also what real reason is telepathy a negative thing in this society? you'd think they'd be treated as gifted by the Gods. or their services bought to figure out the perfect present, or how high to bid, or subliminal messaging... I hope it's not just inexplicable xenophobia.

Interesting idea: if Amanda is telepathic - then she must have already sensed Mercedes' fears in her sleep. Maybe try a story opening with a vivid dream where she sees Mercedes arguing with her mom - then she wakes up and realizes the jig is up well before Mercedes even gets to the room to warn her and takes a few of Mercedes things before she leaves thru the batroom window. But that paints Amanda as a desperate character ready to do shady things to survive. I'm not sure though if it's a cliche opening for the subgenre of telepathy stories...

Anyway, Hope that helps.

Posted by alittleofeverything (Member # 8024) on :

Thanks for all your comments. How is this? Is it wishful thinking to hope anyone will be willing to critique this beast?
---
Amanda knew she had to go. She immediately leapt out of bed and began stuffing her few belongings into a bag.

Mercedes burst into the room, slamming the door against the wall. "Amanda! Get... Oh, you're up already."

Amanda threw the bag over one shoulder. "You were talking with your mom downstairs. It was about me."

"How did you hear that? Oh yeah. Telepathy."

"I better move on before my parents get here," said Amanda as she walked toward the door.

As she strode through the kitchen, she was stopped by the sight of Mercedes' mother at the table, crying.

"I'm so sorry baby! I thought your folks would be worried about you. Mercy told me everything. How your parents treated you,

[This message has been edited by alittleofeverything (edited March 15, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 15, 2010).]

Posted by billawaboy (Member # 8182) on :

Hmm. You're in that happy position of having to really figure out how you want to open you're story and bring your reader into it. It may be that you really like the first version - don't change it cause of me or anyone else...Or change it. Whatever you want.

I was just offering ideas as food for thought. You should go with what pleases you. For me the first revision still reads well (much better than the second version), but it's not an endorsement for either. You'll have to decide - just ask yourself how you want your readers to come into your story. How do you see it in your mind?

Unfortunately, I won't have free time until April 28th or 29th - for now I'm reduced to lurking on the boards between lectures and study breaks, offering what I can. I'm no expert critiquer, just a newbie trying to figure out the craft by analyzing other writers' works.

Hopefully I've helped out some as a prospective reader/potential editor for your first 13.

anyways - Happy writings!

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

I didn't take a close look at version 1 but did mull over v2.

quote:
Amanda knew she had to go. She immediately leapt out of bed and began stuffing her few belongings into a bag.

I know, 'starting with a the MC waking up is cliche'. This one could be cut however. Just slice immediately leapt out of bed and out. It changes nothing.

quote:
"How did you hear that? Oh yeah. Telepathy."

This sounds a bit 'As you know, Bob'ish. Cut half the sentence and show Mercedes reaction.

Mercedes flushed and bit her lip. "Oh yeah, your telepathy."

quote:
"I better move on before my parents get here," said Amanda as she walked toward the door.

cut as she walked toward the door

This reads a bit clumsy to me. I think I know why.
Most writers would tackle this scene one of two ways.
1) Let the dialog carry the scene
2) Work on the setting. Show what is going on, where the MC is, the body language of the other characters, etc...
You have an awkward marriage betweem the two. For example, this line...

quote:
Mercedes burst into the room, slamming the door against the wall. "Amanda! Get... Oh, you're up already."

Not bad but not enough. The door slamming against the wall does show Mercedes angst but this would help if we can see more of your world.

Mercedes burst into the room. The door slammed into the wall and stuck, the doorknob apparently now imbedded into the drywall. "Amanda! Get..." Mercedes red face was full of anger and fear. A brief flash of confusion surplanted it when she saw Amanda full dressed. "Oh, you're up already."

Not a grand example but hopefully you can see what I am talkign about.

Hope this helps!