Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Illuminating Good and Evil (Fantasy-WIP)

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Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

This one is nearly ready for readers if there are any takers.

He had been the most brilliant conversationalist illuminati her dowry could afford. “Virtuous,” her three mothers promised in unison, a singing whisper interlaced with the wind softly dancing through the sunlit drapes. In with it swept the fragrance of jasmine blossoms. “We would have chosen him even if our estate were the richest in the City.” In her heart, Paolowina knew only truth could come from her Mothers’ voices.
Morning rays shone down upon their first meeting. There in her mothers’ garden she knelt on the damp warm lichen covered stones as he approached. Her fingers feverishly braided silk and filaments in order to discipline her anxiety from becoming lust or want. The wind shifted and with it, her mothers’ gentle song blew through the leaves of her father

Revision

Does this make it a little more smooth?

quote:
The suitor was the finest conversationalist her dowry could afford--an illuminati. “Virtuous,” her three mothers promised in unison, a singing whisper interlaced with the wind softly dancing through the sunlit drapes. In with it swept the fragrance of jasmine blossoms. “We would have chosen him even if our estate were the richest in the City.” In her heart, Paolowina knew only truth could come from her Mothers’ voices.
Morning rays shone down upon their first meeting. There in her mothers’ garden she knelt on the damp lichen-covered stones as he approached. Her fingers feverishly braided silk and filaments in order to discipline her anxiety from becoming lust or want. The wind shifted and with it, her mothers’ gentle song blew through the leaves of her father

[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited February 24, 2010).]

Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :

I stumbled and fell very early on here. The swapping of male and female pronouns made me unsure of whether I was following one or two characters or if it was a typo or if it was deliberate. For some reason it was not obvious that an omniscient narrator was introducing me to two characters; if it had started off with an assertive statement by the narrator about "them", I wouldn't have had this problem, I think. [Edited to add: The prologue in this example may illustrate what I'm trying to say better than I can say it]

The first sentence was also a little ungainly to my eye, perhaps because I read conversationalist as a noun, not an adjective, so then I hit illuminati and just go What?

Looks like it's going to be fun though.

[This message has been edited by BenM (edited February 24, 2010).]

Posted by JSchuler (Member # 8970) on :

I didn't have a problem with the pronouns, but I do have to work hard to understand what's happening. What's happening is interesting, but like BenM, I'm getting tripped up on "conversationalist illuminati." Like stumbling out of a gate, it's throwing my pacing for the rest of the thirteen lines.

quote:
“We would have chosen him even if our estate where the richest in the City.”

Typo emphasized.

Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

typo fixed.

conversationalist illuminati is almost like a title in this instance. I even considered capitalizing.

This is a far out fantasy piece. Unlike anything I have ever read or written. There are ways that "good" people discipline themselves from being idle minded which is the gateway of evil.
nearly all sexually mature characters are conversationalists until they wed in human form and become Flora. Conversations are intended not onl as a discipline to ward off evil, but a way in which souls connect. However during conversations The Evil underlord tries its hardest to corrupt the soul because it is for the sake of uniting souls by which the converse. So a secondary vocation is employed to ward off evil. The suitor here is an illuminati. Every waking hour his hand feverishly scribbles illuminations to occupy his mind. His illuminations become animated and take life. During sleep mothers or other employed wardens that have taken the second life must stand watch over unwed conversationalists to keep them safe from evil and preventing their dreams from becomming real. ((Strange Huh?))

I am very willing to suggestions on how to tackle this issue. I realize that it is a mouthful, but nothing else imediately came to mind.

Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

Thanks, BenM

I think that style of narration is too simple and is more suited to Novel-length material, novel prologues for that matter. I am a proponent for being thrown headfirst into the story with as little expostition as possible. None if at all possible.

So long as this is free of logic errors, I would like to just make sure that it is engaging, forward-moving, vivid, and comprehensible. I will be satisfied. Besides the pronoun issue did you see any other issues?

I was not going for an Omni narration so I definately want to make sure this issue is resolved. The POV character is "Her" Paolowina, but I see how this may be hard to pinpoint as her introduction is as the third character. That being said are there any instances that violate that POV?

Here is the breakdown as I intended logically speaking.

1- mention of a male suitor that has been chosen

2-mention of the three mothers' of the MC whom have chosen suitor for their daughter

3-Pov character introduced by name

Thanks again. Hope you come back around. Sometimes I post and forget to come back. I want to make sure of this one.

[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited February 24, 2010).]

Posted by JSchuler (Member # 8970) on :

I don't quite understand what you are saying, but I might be able to help nonetheless.

If nearly everyone in your world is a "conversationalist," then there is really no point in calling anyone a conversationalist. You'd label the exceptions, not the norm. So, that may help you tighten up the first sentence.

You also have to be careful with the term "Illuminati," as you're using it in a way that no one else will understand. In the real world, the people who illuminate manuscripts are simply called scribes, and Illuminati are either members of a world-wide conspiracy, or (historically) members of a secret society in Bavaria circa the late 1700s, or just a group of people who claim superior knowledge/wisdom.

Your usage of "illumination" is not conventional either, but it's in the ballpark of real-world illumination (which involves some kind of manuscript and gold/silver paint) so I don't think the term will be a problem.

Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :

Okay, I see what you're getting at now. I'm not sure how much you've changed, but on a second read I really don't have much issue with he/her. I have to run to catch a bus, so can't really offer much more on the conversationalist issue than what I've already said; my only thought is that maybe it can be introduced later, however I don't have enough info to go on to decide how this effects the opening, resonance with the ending and/or placing the pov firmly in the female MC's head. Sorry

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Phobos,

I'll concur with the others; what you're trying to do isn't quite clearly captured in the opening. I like the ideas you're trying to tackle, but at the same time, I still don't know what the primary conflict in your story is. Perhaps outlining the conflict will help sharpen the 1st 13?

For me, the lack of clarity is a reflected in some of the language...it flows pretty smoothly, but it is meaning less than it promises at the moment. I don't a big adjustment is needed, but it's not as clear as it could be.

Nick

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

This is definitely very interesting. I'm very curious about various things, especially the "leaves of her father."

You mention that you are going for minimal outright exposition, so I won't comment on that.

I agree that "conversationalist illuminati" reads a bit strangely. My suggestion would be either inverting the words (illuminati conversationalist) or having just "illuminati" right at the begining and bringing in conversationlist a little later.

I don't think theres any problem with the word "illuminati" itself. Most genre readers will know its origins, but to me its the sort of time liable to get taken and used in many ways.

Also...

quote:
the damp warm lichen covered stones

I'm not one to discourage description at all, but you might consider dropping either damp or warm. All of it together is a little long. Also, maybe lichen-covered?

Overall very nicely done. A bit dreamy. definitely interesting.

Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

Thanks Merlion, I made some revisions based on all the comments recieved so far.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Yeah I think thats pretty awesome within the framework of what your wanting to achieve.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

How long is it Phob? Go ahead and send it to me if you don't mind waiting a while, I'm moving a bit slow just now but it definitely interests me.

Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

It'll likely end up around 4k. I am editing it now, so I will send it when I am finished. I am in no rush. I'm in love so time doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Ahh yes, I remember that feeling :-)

Thats good then, I'm doing several things at once also as usual, but I mostly just want to see what happens :-)

Posted by Robert Brady (Member # 9024) on :

It works for me. It has a literary feel to it, something out of the future but with a medieval flavor. I was mildly hooked in wanting to know which side the suitor is on, good or evil. I would read the next page at least.

Good start, good luck, Bob.