Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Red Flower-Fantasy-4,800 words

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Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Just started a story aimed smack at the "Twisted Fairytales Volume 2" anthology. I've decided to do a rendition of Jorinda and Joringel, set in the world of "The Open Hand." Thoughts on the begining...bearing in mind that its plot and style are based on a fairy tale...are appreciated along with any offers to read it once completed.

Heres a link to the original fairy tale. I'm reasonbly sure its in public domain but if I need to do anything else with this let me know: http://www.surlalunefairytales.com/authors/grimms/69jorinde.html

Joringel put his hands behind his head, leaned back against a large tree and breathed the warm night air. He sighed contentedly as he listened to Jorinda’s sweet voice, enriched by the afterglow of their lovemaking. His love’s singing drove away all cares and sorrows. Here in this moment he wasn’t worried about finding a Road to walk to guide his magic and make him a true mage.
Jorinda ended her song and smiled at him, gathering up her clothes. “We should get back to the village, my love.”
He kissed her forehead. “Of course.” They dressed quickly and began to walk, hand in hand.
But as each moment passed, Joringel felt they were going deeper into the forest, rather than moving out of it. Jorinda

Version 2

Joringel put his hands behind his head, leaned back against a large tree and breathed the warm night air. He sighed contentedly as he listened to Jorinda’s sweet voice, enriched by the afterglow of their lovemaking. His love’s singing drove away all cares and sorrows. Here in this moment he wasn’t worried about finding a Road to walk to guide his magic and make him a true mage.
Jorinda ended her song and laid her head against his shoulder, drawing him close. “What are you thinking about, my love?”
He smiled and kissed her forehead. “How beautiful your voice is, dear one.”
Jorinda laughed a sweet sound like water. “No thoughts at

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited February 12, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited February 17, 2010).]

Posted by Devnal (Member # 6724) on :

I enjoyed it.
--

"Here in this moment he wasn’t worried about finding a Road to walk to guide his magic and make him a true mage. "

This was a bit of a tongue twister for me. I don't know what this "Road" is either so it kind of just confuses me. I had to reread to see if I missed something. It might be easier for the reader if this is either expanded on, or (which I think would be better) leave it out for now - until you get to a point where it can be better explained.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

ME, I like the concept fine, but that first paragraph feels like you're trying to cram too much into it. It might just be the rhythm. It feels like stopping and starting, like it just can't get moving. Perhaps it could be tightened?

quote:
Joringel sat back against a large tree and breathed the warm night air. Jorinda’s sweet voice drove away all his cares and sorrows. After their love-making, he wasn’t worried about finding a Road to walk to guide his magic.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

I'm not familiar with the original.

The opening doesn't feel right to me. It's a little matter of fact, and it somehow simultaneously feels rushed and yet slow, which is really odd and I'm not quite sure why. I think it may be that, despite the description of them as post-coital lovers, I don't get any real emotion from them (she's singing, but we don't know what: she "smiles" at him but only says "We should get back", to which he agrees and they get dressed... there's no connection between them).

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

quote:
and it somehow simultaneously feels rushed and yet slow, which is really odd and I'm not quite sure why.

I know why. Its because I was trying to cram the begining I want (which is relatively slow) into the first 13 along with a "hook" (mainly, the bit about getting lost in the forest and to a lesser extent the bit about Joringel's problems.)

Also, the anthology in question requires a minimum of 2,500 words and I've been thinking that since I plan to do a relatively straightforward retelling of the original in terms of basic plot, I'm going to need to flesh out a bit anyway. These things all being the case, I think I'm going to do what I'd really wanted to do anyway...have them explore/discuss or at least have Joringel think a bit more about his problems before they get up, try to leave and the "action" starts.

Thanks guys. I have to say tho I'm a bit shocked you've not heard the original, tchern.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

I've never read the complete original Grimm's Fairy Tales, and it's not one I've come across in any other form.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Added a different version. Possibly less hooky but I think less crammed.

Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :

I like version 2 better, and I'd read on.

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

Send it on when you have it finished.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

I was wondering when you'd show up :-)

Question: How many of you have read/seen/heard of Jorinda and Joringel?

Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :

I've heard the name, but I haven't ever read it.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

I have the tale in the book of Grimm's Fairytales I got from my Grandma. They also used to show an animated short version on the Nickolodeon fairy tale program that aired back when they used to show good stuff.

How do you like my opening, Sheena?

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

I have never heard of Jorinda & Joringel (at least I don't remember it...)

You're right - version 2 is less crammed. The relationship between the 2 lovers also feels more personal.

One silly nit:

quote:
He sighed contentedly as he listened to Jorinda’s sweet voice, enriched by the afterglow of their lovemaking.

What was enriched - Jorinda's voice, or Joringel's mood? It's not clear to me.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

I added a link to the tale itself for anyone who is interested.

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

I looked it up after you started this post. I hadn't heard of it before or else I didn't remember it if I had.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

I've always been fond of it. When I saw the Twisted Fairytales anthology it sprang to mind. I've especially always been fascinated by the Red Flower in the story. Thats when it hit me to do a version set in my world of colored Roads of magic.

Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :

I definitely like the second one better. It feels like we're going to get to know the characters and that works for me. If you make me care about the characters then I will keep reading so it's as good as a traditional 'hook'.

I also read the original because I have never seen it before. It seems like a good story to twist. I can't wait to see what you do with it.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Finished at last. Could I get the title of this changed to "The Red Flower-Fantasy-4,800 words" please?

Any other volunteers?

Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

I'd take a look at it.

Sent it back with comments. I hope I was helpful.

[This message has been edited by babooher (edited March 22, 2010).]

Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :

I'll read. I like the second version better.
~Sheena