First 13:
It all ended in a flash. The cold blade sliced through the body of the Wereling in one, clean strike. It hasn’t evolved much… Alara thought as she swung out to clean her blood-drenched sword. Thick blotches of red lay splattered across the snow-white ground, staining like crimson tears smearing a pale face. Alara sheathed her weapon, with a shrill metallic click, and cast a sharp glance toward the villagers. They had scurried into their homes just like the craven cowards they were. Slowly, they left their rickety cottages and came closer to make sure that the monster lay dead in a pool of its own blood. Their eyes grew large in awe when they saw that the Wereling has been sliced into two pieces and that Alara remained unscathed, and pretty like a midnight dream.
Just a couple of things that I felt could be changed, to run smoother if anything and stop questions from popping up in my mind.
It all ended in a flash. The cold blade sliced through the body of the Wereling in one, clean strike. It hasn’t evolved much… Alara thought as she swung out to clean her blood-drenched sword.("It hasn't evolved much" This takes me out of the moment, and I feel it is disconnected to anything going on. Doesnt really add anything) Thick blotches of red lay splattered across the snow-white ground, staining like crimson tears smearing a pale face. Alara sheathed her weapon, with a shrill metallic click, and cast a sharp glance toward the villagers. They had scurried into their homes just like the craven cowards they were. Slowly, they left their rickety cottages and came closer to make sure that the monster lay dead in a pool of its own blood.("..in a pool of its own blood" I think should be taken out. If anything I would think the villagers would just want to make sure the monster was dead, they probably could care less if it was in a pool of its own blood or a pool of jello, right?) Their eyes grew large in awe when they saw that the Wereling has been sliced into two pieces and that Alara remained unscathed, and pretty like a midnight dream.("...and pretty like a midnight dream" I got the idea that the villagers had seen Alara previously, before they ran into their houses, this ending makes it sound like they are seeing her for the first time.)
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those are the only things, and they are only nagging at me, not turning me off of the story. My perspective is more on the flow of the writing as everything else looks solid to me (a hook, interesting character, helpless villagers) and these are just area's that are breaking it for me.
I'd be happy to look over the first chapter if you like, I can't really promise to read more at this time.
[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited February 11, 2010).]
quote:
It all ended in a flash
quote:
The cold blade sliced through the body of the Wereling in one clean strike.
quote:.
Alara sheathed her weapon, with a shrill metallic click , and cast a sharp glance toward the villagers
Instead of “cast a sharp glance” how about directly describing the villagers coming out of their huts so we’re deeper in POV?
quote:
Their eyes grew large in awe when they saw that the Wereling has been sliced into two pieces and that Alara remained unscathed, and pretty like a midnight dream.
The “in awe” is probably implied if their eyes grow large. Removing “pieces” doesn’t really change the meaning of the sentence and the same with “that.”
I don’t think the simile “pretty like a midnight dream” is specific enough to justify its inclusion. Midnight dreams can be all kinds of things (pretty, terrifying, lustful, etc.), so it doesn’t actually give me a very good picture of what Alara looks like.
Regards,
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited February 12, 2010).]